- Josh Nichols: Well, did you get the phone?
- Drake Parker: Yeah.
- Josh Nichols: Yes!
- Drake Parker: But I dropped it.
- Josh Nichols: Oh, man! You were so scared you couldn't hold onto the cell phone?
- Drake Parker: You wet your pants.
- Josh Nichols: This is true.
- Josh Nichols: Why is it so much fun to watch cheerleaders fight?
- Drake Parker: Don't question it. Just love it.
- Drake Parker: So, why do they call it New Jersey if they've even had a plain, old Jersey?
- Josh Nichols: I don't know. I wasn't at the meeting.
- [later on]
- Drake Parker: So, was there an Old Hampshire?
- Josh Nichols: [in Mrs. Hayfer's house] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, no snooping.
- Drake Parker: I'm not snooping. I'm rifling through her drawers to see what lies within.
- Mrs. Hayfer: You know, another interesting piece of trivia about Mark Twain is that before he was an author he worked for a company that manufactured chewing gum, so I guess you could call him a choo-choo Twain.
- [no response]
- Mrs. Hayfer: Why don't you people ever laugh at my jokes?
- Mrs. Hayfer: You know what this means, Drake.
- Drake Parker: An F?
- Mrs. Hayfer: Ah, that is one question you always get right.
- Animal Control: What, you've never seen a man whittling on a toilet?
- Drake Parker: Actually, no.
- Josh Nichols: No, we haven't.