- Dr. Perry Cox: OK, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work. Is there anything else I can do for you?
- Jordan Sullivan: I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Something-sen; I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a Polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails; oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena, from down the hall, I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear; and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner.
- Dr. Perry Cox: But when will I have time to kill myself?
- Jordan Sullivan: That's not my problem!...
- Chad Miller: You remember Kristin Fisher?
- J.D.: Of course, she turned me down for homecoming and prom even though I didn't ask her to either one
- Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told my new gardener; no way, Jose. His name is actually Jose, that's why I hired him
- Heather: [recorded on tape, to Isabella] What's the matter? You're so fussy... Why are you so fussy?
- Ted Buckland: I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching...
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: Could you make her eat a banana?
- J.D.: It's not interactive, Todd.
- Heather: [recorded on tape] There it is! There it is, let me...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [entering] Hey baby! What are you guys watching?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [pausing the tape] Football.
- everyone: Yeah, football... yeah... good game...
- [Carla turns around to the TV; Turk stops the tape]
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Football? Isn't the season over?
- J.D.: [narrating] And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomenon: the seamless, collaborative guy-lie
- Keith: The American season is over. We were watching Mexican football.
- Dr. Doug Murphy: They started late this year.
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: Because of the churro vendors.
- Ted Buckland: They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
- J.D.: When the dispute turned violent, they called in Rodrigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Bandidos, to step in.
- Dr. Kelso: Thanks to Señor Vasquez's experience dealing with the fruit-pickers' unions, he was able to broker a last-minute deal, and the season was salvaged.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: And that's why we're watching football in the spring.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Whatever...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Janitor, thank you so much for helping me sneak Boomer in again today.
- Janitor: No problem. I once snuck a mongoose in this thing to kill all the snakes.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [panicked] Why were there snakes in here?
- Janitor: I snuck 'em in to kill all the mice.