- Jack Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
- Bart Simpson: [thinks of the perfect prank call] I'm, um, Ahmed Adoudi.
- Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does somebody know Ahmed Adoudi?
- Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adoudi: wealthy Saudi financier, disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
- Jack Bauer: Really?
- Chloe O'Brian: No, Jack! It's a joke name! You're being set up.
- Jack Bauer: Damn it!
- [he shoots with his gun and Bart laughs hard]
- [last lines]
- [Jack Bauer comes in by dropping in from an air vent]
- Jack Bauer: [in megaphone] Good work, Lisa!
- Bart Simpson: What about me?
- Jack Bauer: [points gun at Bart] Bart Simpson, twelve minutes ago, you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in!
- [a bunch of units move into the gym and they all point guns at Bart, but Bauer puts his away]
- Jack Bauer: I pulled ever single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call.
- [big explosion happens in the distance, and the crowd gasps]
- Jack Bauer: It's okay. That was Shelbyville.
- [everyone sighs with relief]
- Jack Bauer: The following takes place between 2:34 PM and 3:04 PM. Or maybe it's AM. Whichever one is the morning one; it's not that one.
- [Homer gets out of Moe's tavern and walks to the dumpster he left Milhouse in]
- Homer Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, what do you wanna do?
- Milhouse Van Houten: Well, the school's having a bake sale.
- Homer Simpson: Old Betsy will get us there.
- [Homer picks up the stink bomb and notices the amount of time before it blows]
- Homer Simpson: Oh, a Thermos! With seven cups of coffee still left in it. Oh, wait, six.
- [Bart notices Ralph in the glass case and calls someone on his phone]
- Bart Simpson: I got a man down. Well, not a man. A very special boy.
- Principal Skinner: [Bart makes a Principal Skinner head out of poupon and ketchup] Simpson! I'll teach you to make a poupon me!
- [students in the cafeteria laugh]
- Principal Skinner: Enhance.
- [the image is enhanced, revealing "Seymour sucks" carved on a desk]
- Principal Skinner: Dehance! Dehance!
- Mr. Burns: Simpson, take your putrid filth far away from here, you soulless land whale.
- Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Business trip!
- Homer Simpson: [after the Bullies stuff him and Milhouse into the Dumpster and lock it] I'm still alive! You call that playing to win?
- Bart Simpson: Lisa, are you on a secure line?
- Lisa Simpson: I am. You're on a blue tooth cell wire, the most vulnerable device known to man.
- Bart Simpson: But it looks so cool!
- Bart Simpson: Jimbo has a stink bomb in his house, but I need to intercept it fast. Send me some schematics.
- Lisa Simpson: Jimbo made a couble of drawings of his house in the second grade, but I can't vouch for their accuracy. The teacher gave them a frowny face.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, if I don't make it, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
- Lisa Simpson: I've read your letter.
- Principal Skinner: We've all read it.