- Carla: [J.D. tells Carla, Elliot, and Turk that Kim is pregnant] I'm sorry J.D. but you knew this could happen when you had sex.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I have to tell you guys something but you have to promise not to laugh. Ok?
- [Carla, Elliot, and Turk agree]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Ok, on the night of said conception, ah, Kim and I nude-ed up, and um, the dirty talk began and I got a little over excited.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Oooh, She like a the dirty talk!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going. But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: He does.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anywho, there was some unexpected friendly-fire, and uh, even though I never got a chance to enter the, the village, ah, there was an air strike on one of the outlying regions.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk yells excitedly and Carla pulls his ear to stop him] Thank you.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, I talked to the gals in O.B.G and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: What your trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [after a brief pause] I didn't have a condom.
- [Muffled giggles from Turk, Carla, and Elliot]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And ah, we decided not to have sex because, here's the kicker, I didn't want to get her pregnant.
- [Carla, Elliot, and Turk break out in hysterical laughing]
- Turk: Yo, Elliot... what's your ringtone?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: "Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: I'm carrying underwood right now. See, that's funny because it's true.
- [holds up his hand for a five, but Elliot looks disgusted]
- Dr. Todd Quinlan: Please?
- Carla: You know, maybe Jordan's right, maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues.
- Dr. Cox: Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to, by-law, remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don't see the downside.
- Janitor: Hey, since we're small talking, lemme ask you a question? Do you have regrets about the way you lived your life? Because I think I do.
- Dr. Kelso: You've never been to Paris and cleaned a French toilet, huh?
- Janitor: Good one. No, that's not it. Come on, be straight with me. Do you think I'm wasting my life.
- Dr. Kelso: Let's cut to the chase, freak show. If you're a forty-four-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, chances are you've made a lot of wrong turns along the way. Good talk.
- Jordan Sullivan: [handing him a fork] Welcome home, Perry. Here's the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack, and I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big, I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day! I can't.
- Dr. Cox: You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn't ya?
- Baby Jack: No, I didn't.
- Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy is lying to me.
- Jordan Sullivan: Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattle-tail!
- Dr. Kim Briggs: Oh, come on. No laugh from a guy who, when he orders a coffee, says "Thanks a latte!"
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Well, that's different, Kim, that's hilarious. This is life-changing.
- Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie, have you seen any of the interns around?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah. They did so well at rounds, I'm just letting them watch a show
- [Cox turns his head and sees all the interns watching television]
- Dr. Cox: Oh... hi, interns.
- All the Interns: [rising their hands, still watching TV] Hi...
- Dr. Cox: Look... you pretty obviously have short-circuited because the odds of you ever actually having a baby are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub!
- Intern: Ssst! I can't hear the TV.
- Dr. Cox: Oke... ah... oh...
- [Cox becomes suddenly mad and throws the TV out the window]
- Janitor: Hey, Mojambo, this here's our new flagpole. Why don't you show Old Glory a little respect and snap off a salute?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [J.D. looks at the top of the pole] There's no flag up there.
- Janitor: We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on back-order. What do you want me to do in the meantime, run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof, catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eye-patch, go to work with a caulk gun, seal her up, make her water-tight. I could take her out to sea.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Are you insane?
- Janitor: No, I'm a pirate.
- Carla: J.D. needs us right now, okay? So, this is what we're gonna do. Dr. Cox, you're backing off. Elliot, you go talk to him.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Can't wait to talk to J.D. Maybe we can chat about how everyone in this frickin' hospital, other than me, is having a baby. I mean, seriously.
- [Points to Carla]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Having a baby,
- [points to Turk]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: having a baby,
- [points to Dr. Cox]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: having a SECOND baby.
- [addressing a nurse at the next table]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everyone knows!
- Mr. O'Neil: I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do. Start a family, see the world...
- Janitor: Punch a whale.
- Mr. O'Neil: No, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] As I acted like a flag, I sensed that the janitor learned nothing from this experience.
- Dr. Kim Briggs: [J.D. is hiding from Kim] You seen J.D.?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. shakes his head "No"] I have not.
- Dr. Kim Briggs: Any idea where he is?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. makes a gesture jabbing at his palm, puffing a few breaths, and wiggling his fingers] Teaching CPR to underprivileged youth at Lincoln Middle School on 18th Street.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] I can't believe he got that! We are so ready for that charades tournament on Saturday!
- Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox enters in sweaty casual wear] Gather round, doomed new interns who just paged me! Quick question: What does this outfit tell you?
- Dr. Kelso: You... are entering a Joe Piscopo look-alike contest?
- Dr. Cox: It means that I was just working out -- which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life that qualifies as "Me Time." Other activities recently crossed off of that list include my morning dump and all showers. You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports. However, I'm here, and I'm totally psyched to hear whatever the super-de-duper reason is that you paged me.
- Intern: [a male intern with a chart is shoved forward] Mr. White's chart said to remove his eight stitches, but we counted nine. Should we leave one?
- Dr. Cox: [tranquil fury] That's it. Every single one of you is gonna run laps around the hallways until I say stop.