- Grace: You know, if I'm going to be staying here for any length of time, I'm going to need all the help I can get.
- Susan Harper: What do you mean, length of time? Ben's only away from his training course for a week.
- Grace: Oh, he's learning to use a knife and fork? It's wonderful!
- Grace: The point is until he gets back, I'm here for you, darling.
- Susan Harper: Here for me as in running up the phone bill, insulting the neighbours and draining the drinks cabinet?
- Grace: I hardly use the phone!
- Susan Harper: Mothers usually go back to work full time when their kids start school. I didn't feel like I could leave you lot alone until last month.
- Janey Harper: Are you suggesting that raising us was difficult?
- Susan Harper: No, I'm suggesting it almost sucked the life out of me.
- Grace: There are ways to get that life back, Susan!
- Susan Harper: Yes, mother, but I want to remember mine!
- Roger Bailey: Can I talk to you? You know, man to man? One Welsh love machine to another?
- Alfie Butts: There's another?
- Roger Bailey: I keep trying to ask Abi if she'll marry me, but I just can't seem to find the right words to do it!
- Alfie Butts: No, seriously! Who's the other Welsh love machine?
- Roger Bailey: All I'm saying, Abi, is there's a fixed scale of charges. You can't just charge people what you like.
- Abi Harper: But you're worth it, Roger!
- Roger Bailey: Thank you, Abi. But there's no such number as a gazillion.
- Abi Harper: You're such a talented dentist.
- Roger Bailey: Am I, Abi? Am I really?
- Abi Harper: If dentists were painters, Roger, you'd be Beethoven!
- Roger Bailey: Ah, that Abi! She's the best thing that's ever happened to me!
- Michael Harper: She's the only thing that's ever happened to you, Roger!
- Roger Bailey: I was thinking of trying to propose to her over a nice candlelit dinner.
- Michael Harper: Or you could smear her body with honey, take her out into the desert and wait for the ants to eat her alive!
- Roger Bailey: That doesn't sound very Abi-ish, but, er, let me give it some thought.
- Alfie Butts: Hey, have you thought of the perfect way to propose to Abi?
- Roger Bailey: Not yet. Have you got any ideas?
- Alfie Butts: Well, you could do what my uncle Dewi did. You see, erm, he was in a freak baling machine accident and he fell in love with his nurse. Now, when he was well enough, he proposed to her with 1,000 red roses, ten boxes of chocolates and he got the local male voice choir to sing her favourite song.
- Roger Bailey: Oh, that's so romantic! Did he go down on one knee?
- Alfie Butts: He only had one knee!
- Susan Harper: [Trying on a dress] So, what do you think? I'm aiming for demurely attractive.
- Grace: You've missed!
- Janey Harper: Mum, this is not a problem. If this guy James is interested, you'll know. Yeah, men send subtle signals.
- Susan Harper: Like what?
- Janey Harper: Well, like, if he tries to feed you anything, don't let him - he's just trying to gain your trust. If he locks eyes with you for more than three seconds, he wants you.
- Grace: And if he puts his hand on your breast, that's a biggie, too! At least it was in my day!
- James: So I said to him: "Don't bother hanging the picture."
- Susan Harper: [laughs] Oh, that's very good! Very good!
- James: No, that wasn't the end of the story.
- Susan Harper: Sorry. D... do finish.
- James: "Get down to hospital quickly! You may have nicked an artery!"
- Susan Harper: [laughs] Oh, that's hysterical!
- James: It wasn't actually a funny story. It just happened to a friend of mine.
- Grace: I... I didn't expect you f... for another hour!
- Susan Harper: Been having a nice time, mother?
- Grace: Don't be such a party pooper! You didn't give us a chance to clear up!
- Susan Harper: Us?
- Lionel: You going to be much longer, Gracie? I'm not sure how long these pills last!
- Susan Harper: Oh, mum!
- James: OH, DAD!
- James: Have you any idea of the upset you have caused your daughter and me?
- Grace: Don't care!
- Susan Harper: Perhaps I'll make you care - no more gin for a month!
- Grace: Well, that's not fair!
- Lionel: Is this going to take much longer? My pill's starting to wear off!
- Roger Bailey: [to a patient] Do you know what? For the first time in my life, I've found peace in my heart! You know, when you find that special someone and everything just falls into place!
- Abi Harper: [Storms into Roger's office] Here's Mr Dawson's file! Fill it in yourself, you toerag!
- Roger Bailey: Is everything alright, my sweet?
- Abi Harper: You can answer the phones yourself as well! I'm off! You snake! You viper at my breast!
- Roger Bailey: [to his patient] I'm going to propose to her tonight!
- Susan Harper: Simone, can I have a minute?
- Simone: Ah, yes, Susan. I wanted a word with you too.
- Susan Harper: Yes, well, before you fire me and before I completely lose my dignity, I quit! I did my best, but it's not my fault James wouldn't any of your stupid art! You should never have made me go out with him in the first place! But then, that's just typical, isn't it, of the grossly incompetent way you run this gallery? And I shall be glad to see the back of it! God, this feels good! And as for you, you cold, grasping witch, is there any depth to which you will not sink to make a sale? I doubt it very much! Anyway, you can stick your gallery, you can stick your clients and you can stick your lousy job up your Jackson Pollock!
- Simone: James came in 20 minutes ago and spent £180,000.
- Susan Harper: [pause] You didn't let me finish!
- Grace: You know, Susan, as a person gets older, they tart to get very set in their ways and it becomes harder for them to admit that they're wrong and apologise.
- Susan Harper: [pause] Well, go on.
- Grace: I was waiting for you!
- Grace: You should start thinking of me as a person and stop thinking about me as a parent!
- Susan Harper: I haven't thought about you as a parent since I was 9!
- Grace: I was rather hoping you would interrupt me and my big speech and ask me to stay.
- Susan Harper: Oh, alright! But only because I'm genetically programmed to care about you!
- Alfie Butts: [On the phone] Harper residence. Oh, hello Lucy!
- [to Michael]
- Alfie Butts: It's Lucy.
- Michael Harper: Hah! Tell her I'm not interested!
- Alfie Butts: [On the phone] What's that? Cinema on Saturday night.
- [to Michael]
- Alfie Butts: She wants to go cinema on Saturday night.
- Michael Harper: Forget it! Tell her I've got a date!
- Alfie Butts: [On the phone] 8 o'clock, by the box office. Oh, yeah, I'm sure that'll be fine. OK, bye!
- Michael Harper: Alfie, what are you doing? I told you I don't want to see her again.
- Alfie Butts: She wasn't asking you! She was asking me!
- Michael Harper: What?
- Alfie Butts: Well, what can I say? Women seem to find my sexually ambiguous persona irresistible!
- Roger Bailey: Abi... I just want to... I wish... I just th...
- Abi Harper: Shhh! I know what you're trying to say, Roger.
- Roger Bailey: You do?
- Abi Harper: And the answer's yes.
- Roger Bailey: Abi!
- Abi Harper: [pause] I will be your full-time receptionist!
- Roger Bailey: Oh! Er... I was going to ask you to marry me!
- Abi Harper: [Faints]
- Susan Harper: So what do we think? Was that a yes?