Metalocalypse (TV Series)

Dethkomedy (2006)

James Hetfield: Lorkey

Quotes 

• Nathan Explosion : [backstage before the big comedy show]  All right, everyone do a crappy job. Remember to hate yourselves.

  Toki Wartooth , William Murderface : Oh, yeah!

  Pickles the Drummer : Well, I *really* hate myself.

  Toki Wartooth : Pickle! You back! We think you leave for good!

  Pickles the Drummer : Bombing onstage really screwed me up. I can't even play my douchebag drums no more 'cause of stupid comedy.

  Lorkey the Sailor : Ah, you know there's only one way to fix that. You gotta get back up there.

  Pickles the Drummer : But I can't do...

  Lorkey the Sailor : But what?

  Pickles the Drummer : [fearfully]  The audience!

  Lorkey the Sailor : Aye... the audience. Now gather 'round, all y'all. I've been talkin' a lot about hatred. But there's something bigger out there. Something you should hate even more than anything. And that's the audience!

  [Pickles smiles] 

• Nathan Explosion : [from offstage]  And now, please welcome to the stage... PICKLLLLLLLLESSSS!

  Pickles the Drummer : [seemingly scared witless]  So... anysways... I just got back from vacation. And, uh... I went to the beach... for vacation. And you know what I got at the beach?

  [he reaches into his back pocket] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Sand!

  [he throws a handful of sand into the eyes of the heckler who booed him offstage at the small comedy club] 

  Heckler : Aaaahhh! My eyes! I can't see!

  [the audience roars with laughter] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Okay. All right, so I donated blood the other day. Not mine.

  [the audience laughs again] 

  Pickles the Drummer : You guys wanna see me donate some blood to *you*? Huh? Do ya? Okay!

  [he reaches under the stage curtain, pulls out a fire hose, and blasts the audience with a stream of blood] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Woo-hoo! Wa-hoo-hoo!

  Heckler : Ahhh!

  [the heckler gets blasted out of his seat] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Yeah! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woo, yeah!

  Lorkey the Sailor : [Lorkey is watching from backstage]  Eh, can't teach 'em no more.

  [he pulls out a pistol and shoots himself in the head] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Woo, yeah!

  [he brings out a hunting rifle and starts shooting wildly over the heads of the audience] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Yeah!

  [he stops and aims the rifle at the front row] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Uh-oh! I thought this was the NRA!

  [the audience laughs and applauds] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Any of you dildoes wanna fight? Huh?

  [he sees the old woman who heckled him at the small comedy club] 

  Pickles the Drummer : What about you, grandma? Huh?

  [she looks terrified] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Aw... I'm just messin' with ya!

• Lorkey the Sailor : 'Tain't no difference, if ye ask me.

  Toki Wartooth : But that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...

  Lorkey the Sailor : Comedy is about expressing your hate! The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sittin' at them tables'll think you are!

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : But I bomb, and I hates everyt'ing.

  Lorkey the Sailor : Aye! But do ye hate yourself?

  Toki Wartooth : Hate... myself?

  Lorkey the Sailor : Ah, yes, 'specially now, eh? Bombing onstage, and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails went running away! 'Twill take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.

  Toki Wartooth : [suddenly realizing Lorkey's point]  I hate myself!

  Lorkey the Sailor : Yeah, now yer gettin' it! And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world! And once you embrace your hate, you will murder them! And you will kill. YOU WILL KILL!