- Dr. Girlfriend: Come on, Monarch, how old was she?
- The Monarch: Will you look at me? I'm in a fucking evil butterfly costume! What age group do you think is going to be attracted to me?
- Phantom Limb: Oh, - - ing great. I think I killed him. Oh, christ, now he's bleeding from the eyes. I'm gonna need some seltzer here... This carpet is Persian - irreplaceable, what with there not being a Persia anymore... That seltzer isn't going to get itself!
- Phantom Limb: [on the radio] Blackout Target Victor Echo November Seven Niner is in Daddy's lap. Repeat, in Daddy's lap. Call off Blackout team. Daddy is going to put the boys to bed, himself... Yes, I'm going to kill them. It's a very simple metaphor.
- Dr. Venture: Why are you naked?
- Brock Samson: To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.
- Master Billy Quizboy: [about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"] Oh yeah, it's a musical. You never get to see anything!
- [the boys are preparing for a night out:]
- Dean Venture: Hank, are you even close to finis...
- [sees Hank is dressed as Batman]
- Dean Venture: Dad!
- Dr. Venture: [enters] Dean, you smell like a whore.
- [Dean points at Hank]
- Dr. Venture: What's the...? Oh, not agai... Brock!
- Hank Venture: What? You said to put on your best outfit.
- Dr. Venture: *Outfit*, Hank. Not costume!
- Brock Samson: [enters] What the f...?
- Dean Venture: Well, I guess you can't come. Right? Hank can't come?
- Dr. Venture: Nice try, Dean.
- Dr. Byron Orpheus: When young women reach estrous the um... lingam yearns for the stamen-like skills of the yoni.
- Henchman 21: Who's your date?
- The Monarch: I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only "pwn", I was "teh sex"... whatever that means.
- Dr. Venture: Lab shmab, I'm finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the... non-scientific kind.
- Brock Samson: What'd you find? Are you okay?
- Dr. Venture: Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas."
- Brock Samson: Yeah, Doc, you're uh, gonna be disappointed there...
- Dr. Venture: Don't ruin it for me. I have popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun!
- The Monarch: [about the Phantom Limb] When he was in college, he was a scrawny little wuss. In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me, he had his 12-year-old roommate create a machine that speeds up the muscle building process. The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light. There were two side effects. One: He could mess up a guy just by touching him. And two: He became a humorless dick!
- Henchman 21: [about the Phantom Limb] He used to be a good guy, actually. When he and Billy - that, you know, weird midget who won a bunch of money on Card Sharks - invented a time machine, he became a villain; and the way I heard the story is that the time machine was, like, broken or something, so Phantom Limb's arms and legs and Billy's hand were sent forty years into the future.
- Hank Venture: [about the Phantom Limb] I think he used to be a famous magician. And one time, while performing for the Queen of England, he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear. They are now on the Moon with a bunch of rabbits and doves and... and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.
- Dr. Venture: [about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"] Brock, I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods. I mean, they can't sing for EVER.