- Capt. Kirk: Okay, this whole thing has gone far enough!
- Arex: Sir?
- Capt. Kirk: I've just picked up my clean uniforms from the service chute, and when I put this one on, I discovered this!
- [turns around revealing the words "KIRK IS A JERK" on the back of his uniform; the main computer laughs]
- Capt. Kirk: When you all finish laughing, I'd appreciate an explanation.
- Mr. Spock: Captain, I never laugh.
- Capt. Kirk: Reduce speed to sub-warp cruise. We'll lay by here for repairs.
- Uhura: After that ride, I could use some repairs.
- Dr. McCoy: Lieutenant Uhura, I have to hand it to you. This is just what the doctor would have ordered.
- Capt. Kirk: We've got serious trouble with the main computer. We have reason to believe it's kidnapped three of our crew.
- Scott: [on viewscreen] Kidnapped? Blue blazes!
- Dr. McCoy: When I get my hands on the clown who's behind all this, I'll put him in sickbay for a week!
- Main Computer: Temper, temper.
- Capt. Kirk: Bones, the worst thing you can do to a practical joker is to play a practical joke on them.