The Bucket List (2007)

Edward Cole : Three things to remember when you get older: never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.

Thomas : I'll keep that in mind as I approach decrepitude.

[Carter hands Edward an article about Kopi Luwak, Edward's favorite coffee]

Carter Chambers : Read it.

Edward Cole : [reading] Kopi Luwak is the world's most expensive coffee. Though for some, it falls under the category of "too good to be true." In the Sumatran village, where the beans are grown, lives a breed of wild tree cat. These cats eat the beans, digest them and then... defecate.

[pauses]

Edward Cole : The villagers then collect and process the stools. It is the combination of the beans and the gastric juices of the tree cat that give Kopi Luwac...

[Carter starts laughing]

Edward Cole : ...its unique flavor... and aroma. You're shitting me!

Carter Chambers : [laughing] No, cats beat me to it!

[Carter and Edward both laugh hysterically]

Edward Cole : What does a snail have to do to reincarnate? Leave the perfect trail of slime?

[from trailer]

Edward Cole : We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.

Edward Cole : [Nauseous] Somewhere, some lucky guy's having a heart attack.

Edward Cole : The simplest thing is... I loved him. And I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together. Which is amazing... When you think that only three months ago, we were complete strangers! I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me but... the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life... And he knew it before I did.

Edward Cole : I envy people who have faith, I just can't get my head around it.

Carter Chambers : Maybe because your head's in the way.

Edward Cole : Do you hate me?

Carter Chambers : Not yet.

Edward Cole : Good afternoon. My name is Edward Cole. I don't know what most people say at these occasions because in all honesty, I've tried to avoid them. The simplest thing is I loved him and I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together, which is amazing when you think that only three months ago we were complete strangers. I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me, but the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life, and he knew it before I did. I'm deeply proud that this man found it worth his while to know me. In the end, I think it's safe to say that we brought some joy to one another's lives, so one day, when I go to some final resting place, if I happen to wake up next to a certain wall with a gate, I hope that Carter's there to vouch for me and show me the ropes on the other side.

Edward Cole : Have I fired you lately?

Thomas : Not since the Oprah incident.

Edward Cole : The sequel was like that. She never backed me up on anything.

Carter Chambers : The sequel?

Edward Cole : The second Mrs Edward Cole.

[Carter rolls his eyes]

Edward Cole : Hell, that woman hated me.

Kyle the parachutist : Maybe because you called her the sequel.

Edward Cole : I want my own room.

Thomas : You run hospitals, not health spas. Two beds to a room, no exceptions.

Edward Cole : [to himself, about his relative wellness while looking in a mirror at his wan face and bald head adorned with a railroad track of baseball-like stitches from his brain surgery] My God. Somewhere, some lucky guy's having a heart attack.

Edward Cole : As someone of an expert in diseases, I believe more people die from visitors than diseases.

Thomas : I'm proud of you.

Edward Cole : Nobody cares what you think.

Carter Chambers : Forty-five years goes by pretty fast.

Edward Cole : Like smoke through a keyhole.

Edward Cole : [about Carter] The last months of his life were the best months of mine.

Edward Cole : You want some too? I'll have Thomas fix you a plate.

Carter Chambers : No thanks.

Edward Cole : You sure? Best in L.A.

[later, throwing up]

Carter Chambers : It ain't the best in L.A. no more.

Edward Cole : [to the nurse] Don't give me morphine while I'm sleepin'! It's a waste!

Edward Cole : [Angrily to Carter] Just because I told you my story - that does not invite you to be part of it!

Edward Cole : [to his doctor] I love the smell of chemo in the morning.

Edward Cole : [about his daughter and her husband] First time he hit her, she came to me. I wanted to bash his brains in. She wouldn't let me. Said she loved him, said it wasn't his fault, he'd had a few drinks... she was the one who picked the fight. Next time it happened, she didn't come to me. The ex told me. Nice to hear her voice again.

Carter Chambers : What did you do?

Edward Cole : What any father would do. I took care of it. I called a guy who called a guy who handles these kinds of things. I don't know what he said, don't know what he did... All I know is he didn't kill him. And my daughter never heard from him again.

Carter Chambers : How did she react?

Edward Cole : Called me names you wouldn't believe, and worse... said I was dead to her.

Edward Cole : [to Carter, of expectations without a bucket list] What do you think happens now? I go back and sit around listening to people talking about mezzanine financing and subordinated debt pretending that I care about dead money. You go home to some ceremonial procession into death with everyone standing around watching you die while you try to comfort them.

Carter Chambers : What are you so afraid of?

Edward Cole : Just because I told you my story does not invite you to be a part of it!

Carter Chambers : Oh, like the lady in the bar?

Edward Cole : That's different.

Carter Chambers : Tell me how it's different.

Edward Cole : I build a billion dollar business up from *nothing*! Presidents have asked my advice, I have dined with royalty, and I'm supposed to make out like what? This trip was supposed to mean something to me? Like it was gonna change *me*? How did you see it playing out Carter, I knock on the door, she answers, she's surprised and angry, but I tell her how much I love her and miss her, and oh, by the way, I'm gonna be dead soon so I'm reaching out to you because I don't wanna die alone?

Carter Chambers : Everyone's afraid to die alone.

Edward Cole : I'm not everyone! This was supposed to be fun. That's all it ever was.

Edward Cole : [Carter's obsessing over a car] You gonna drive it or buy it a dress?

Carter Chambers : Just getting to know each other.

Edward Cole : Kiss the most beautiful girl in the world.

Carter Chambers : How are you going to do that?

Edward Cole : Volume!

Skydiving instructor : Okay, let's deploy!

Edward Cole : [singing] I've got a feeling I'm falling!

Skydiving instructor : We're in the red zone, pull the cord!

Edward Cole : [singing] I've got a feeling I'm falling in love...

Skydiving instructor : *Pull the damn cord!*

Edward Cole : [pause] I was in love once...

Dr. Hollins : How are you doing?

Edward Cole : Dumb question.

Edward Cole : How are they treating you?

Carter Chambers : The pea soup still sucks.

Edward Cole : I'll have a word with the owner.

Edward Cole : You're shitting me.

Carter Chambers : No, the cats beat me to it!

Carter Chambers : You know, the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death. When their souls got to the entrance to heaven, the gods asked them two questions. Their answers determined whether they were admitted or not.

Edward Cole : Okay, I'll bite. What were they?

Carter Chambers : Have you found joy in your life?

Edward Cole : Huhah...

Carter Chambers : Answer the question.

Edward Cole : Me?

Carter Chambers : Yeah, you.

Edward Cole : Answer the question? "Have I found joy in my life?"

Carter Chambers : Yes.

Edward Cole : Yes!

Carter Chambers : Has your life brought joy to others?

Edward Cole : Ah, this type of question, I don't know. I don't think about how other people gauge. Ask them.

Carter Chambers : I'm asking you.