- Jed Clampett: Granny, the other end of this rope is tied around that hawg's neck.
- Daisy Moses: Ooh, it's worse than I thought. He's tryin' to hang hisself.
- Jed Clampett: Hang hisself?
- Daisy Moses: Yeah, amongst hawgs, that's called "sooeycide".
- Jane Hathaway: [reading the sign painted on the hippo] Save your pennies in a pig or save them in a cup, but bring them to the Commerce Bank or I will eat you up!
- Milburn Drysdale: Kids love rhymes.
- Milburn Drysdale: One week, we could have painted nursery rhymes like: Pussycat pussycat, where have you went? To the Commerce Bank for 5%.
- Daisy Moses: That animal is standin' on a pair of 200-pound hams.
- Jed Clampett: That bacon would fill a smokehouse.
- Jethro Bodine: Look at the size of them pigs knuckles!
- Milburn Drysdale: I've got some brilliant stuff here. Listen to this: Peter Peter pumpkin eater/ Had a wife but couldn't keep her/Got a loan from Uncle Milby/Now they always happy will be.
- Elly May Clampett: Well I still say this ain't no big hawg.
- Daisy Moses: What are you talkin' about, child? Why that rascal is good for 300 yards of chitlins alone.
- Jed Clampett: And would ya look at them jowls
- Daisy Moses: Take a tub of turnip greens just to season 'em.
- Milburn Drysdale: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet/ Figuring her interest rate/Along came a spider and sat down beside her/ And said "Hey, this Commerce Bank is great!"
- Elly May Clampett: Granny, I think this critter come from Africa.
- Daisy Moses: That must be some place in Virginia.
- Jed Clampett: Granny has just got a powerful hankerin' for that big fat hawg of yours.
- Milburn Drysdale: Well I'm sorry, but she's in Boston for a week.
- Daisy Moses: I see somebody stuck you with a sick hawg.
- Milburn Drysdale: Sick hog?
- Daisy Moses: Oh, he's in bad shape. His bristles have all fell out and his tail has come unkinked. Oh, I grant ya he looks big and fat, but that's cuz he's a wind sucker, all bloat. Take my word for it, Mr. Drysdale, that hawg is dyin of the epizootic!
- Milburn Drysdale: Granny, you must mean the hippopotamus.
- Daisy Moses: I mean the epizootic!
- Jed Clampett: [sees Granny tugging on a rope] Whatcha doin?
- Daisy Moses: Tryin' to get my rope outta the Drysdale's yard. It musta snagged on somethin' like a root or a stump.
- Jed Clampett: Or hawg.
- Elly May Clampett: There ain't gonna be no sausages, cuz this here is a hippopotamus.
- Jethro Bodine: It might be a hippopotamus now, but it's comin' outta that sausage grinder a hawg.
- Jed Clampett: [reading poem on the side of the baby elephant] You can give my trunk a yank if you bring your folks to the Commerce Bank.
- Daisy Moses: That hawg's hind leg is gonna send me to my grave a famous woman. For years, they'll be talkin' about the Daisy Moses Memorial Ham.
- Daisy Moses: Aaaa! Elly May's drownin' my hawg! Quick, Jethro, jump in and pull him out! Give him mouth-to-mouth ressitation!
- Jethro Bodine: [the hippo opens its jaws and growls] I ain't gettin' close to them jowls till they's on a plate.