- Nancy Botwin: [about Megan being pregnant] How did this happen?
- Silas Botwin: You don't wanna hear it.
- Nancy Botwin: Oh, but I really do.
- Silas Botwin: If I had to bet on it, I'd say it was three weeks ago in my room. Doggy style. When I pulled out the condom was gone. Megan has really strong muscles, must've sucked the thing right off.
- Nancy Botwin: Ah-ahh. Stop, stop, stop.
- Silas Botwin: You asked. You want to be the cool Mom.
- Nancy Botwin: No. No, I don't. There are a million things in this world I want to be. 'Cool Mom,' nowhere on that list.
- Silas Botwin: [Megan shows her the pregnancy test; positive] Well, I hope Grandma's on that list.
- [Celia and Nancy are having a disagreement about Nancy's half-hearted work on Celia's campaign for City Council]
- Celia Hodes: ...If you can't make time for the pressing problems of greater Agrestic...
- Nancy Botwin: That's exactly it - I can't make time. I've got problems at home.
- [starts for the door]
- Celia Hodes: [with a concerned look on her face, Celia follows] Really? Do you wanna' talk about it?
- Nancy Botwin: I don't wanna' talk about it. i just wanna' go home.
- Celia Hodes: Ya' know, I tell you about my husband's unemployment, my daughter being the face of America's trans fat...so...tell me what's going on with you? Please? Nancy...
- Nancy Botwin: [not wanting to hurt her feelings] ...Celia...
- Celia Hodes: Aren't we friends?
- Nancy Botwin: I just wanna' go!
- Celia Hodes: [disappointed] You can't even say it. You don't want to be my friend!
- Nancy Botwin: [gestures toward Celia] Everything is not about you, Celia!
- [Nancy turns to leave. As she walks away, Celia reaches out, grabs Nancy's hair from behind and gives it a hard tug before letting go]
- Nancy Botwin: [turns around totally shocked, yells] What the fuck are you doing??
- Celia Hodes: [grabbing Nancy's hair again with a desparate look on her face] Be my friend!
- [the two begin to twirl in a circle, Celia pulling Nancy's hair while Nancy grabs Celia's arm trying to make her let go]
- Nancy Botwin: Oww!! Let go of my fucking hair...
- Celia Hodes: Be my friend!!!
- Nancy Botwin: [nearly frantic] Let go of my fucking hairrrr!
- Celia Hodes: [just as frantic] Be my Goddamned motherfucking friendddd!!!!!
- Nancy Botwin: Owwww!!!
- [when Celia finally lets go, Nancy quickly gets to the front door]
- Nancy Botwin: Your insane!
- Celia Hodes: [lowering her voice as she repeats] Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!
- [the two women glare at each other in mutual shock for a moment, then Nancy walks out]
- Pam: [in the cheeriest voice imaginable] You two are just like sisters!