Stephen Colbert: Self - Host

Quotes 

• [In "The Word" section:] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : ...but I did just read about one tax I can get behind. It was proposed by Iowa Republican Senator Charles Grassley, and it's aimed at pimps. The proposal calls for, quote, "a ten year prison sense for each prostitute a pimp has that hasn't filed a W-2 tax form." Damn, it's gettin' hard out there for a pimp! As well it should be. It's about time Congress put on its rings and slapped those byotches down. But, if you ask me, this plan does not go far enough to regulate aberrant sexual behavior. Which brings us to tonight's Word: Monkey Butter. I don't know what that means, but it sounds filthy and it should be stopped.

  [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Or Turned Into a Website] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : For years, the government has taxed just about anything that feels good. Cigarettes, alcohol, gambling. But they missed the biggest sin and largest potential revenue source of all: Doin' It. We all know

  [pauses for applause] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : ... We all know there's way too much sex going on in America.

  [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Once a Year for Birthday Plenty] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : Too much sex not as God intended. I'm talkin' premarital sex, gay sex, sex with the lights on - it's disgusting! And it's destroying our society's moral fabric. It is time to slap a "sin tax" on sex. Here's how it works: Every time you... you know... Uncle Sam gets a piece of the action. The size of this tax would be inversely proportional to both the level of sexual deviance and your level of commitment to your partner. For example, a married couple, in the missionary position, for the express purpose of creating children - that costs nothing.

  [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Get what you pay for] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : Now, an unmarried but dating couple doing something freaky - I dunno, lady on top - that, that'll cost you about a hundred bucks.

  [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Cheaper Than Dinner and a Movie] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : Now, two drunk strangers hanging from a fluoresecent light in the bathroom of a Hardee's, that'll cost you a thousand dollars. What, what better way to encourage marriage? Now, you might ask, how will the government even know when I'm having sex? Well, thanks to advances in nanotechnology, they can monitor behavior by injecting a microchip directly into your... you know... dirty area, and it'll recognize when it's near another implanted chip. Think of it as an Easy Pass at the Sexual Tollbooth.

  [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Great Marvin Gaye Song] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : Every time

  [pauses for applause] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : ... Every time your "gate" goes "up," the toll is automatically subtracted from your checking account. What could be easier?

  [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Driving Solo] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : [Responding to the graphic:]  No, we'll figure out how to charge that, too. With my tax plan, we can restore America's moral character, while we're making America's budget deficit shrink.

  [a graphic annotates his statement with the phrase: Size Matters] 

  Stephen Colbert - Host : So, Congress, charge us every time we "get it on"... and that's The Word.