Pirates of Treasure Island (2006) User Reviews

A lesson in poor acting

[fattybear · 2/10 · 2 July 2006]

Right from the first line you know that you are in for a bad experience.

The acting in this movie is truly awful and it beggars belief how the people responsible for this disaster could allow such bad delivery of lines.

There's a surprise just before the opening credits that should give you an idea of whether or not you are going to enjoy this film. I won't spoil it for you, except to say that I laughed out loud where I should have been shocked, thrilled or perhaps scared.

The overall movie felt home made and the kids left the room to play after 20 minutes of the most tedious 'action' Avoid this movie if at all possible - it's dull, poorly acted and you don't even want to KNOW about the 'swashbuckling sword fights'!!

Makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Oscar material!

[larc_rnc · 1/10 · 29 June 2006]

This is probably the most amateurish commercial film I've ever seen. With the possible exception of Lance Henricksen as Long John Silver, acting isn't even passable. Costumes look more as if they were made with high school production rental in mind, although they are generally immaculately clean — even those worn by "pirates" of the lowest rank. Colonial wigs look as if they might have been included with Halloween costumes at Wal-Mart.

Avoid this one at all costs. It hasn't any saving grace except for a few good camera shots. The story lacks even the basic imagination of the Robert Louis Stevenson book. If you want to see a worthwhile and fun version, get the 1950 film with the great Robert Newton.

I'm still wondering who ever told these Asylum people they are movie makers.

Several notches below amateur. Not even "fun" bad. Just a dreadful show.

[albaitis · 1/10 · 14 July 2006]

Ten lines minimum, eh. I'm not sure I can get ten lines worth of commentary on this one. The only thing that even makes sense as to how funding can be obtained for such a debacle is that it was intended to be a money losing project to bilk investors. (a la "The Producers" storyline) If that is indeed the intent (and it's probably painfully obvious to those in the know) then I have a suspicion that they may have succeeded. There oughta be a law.

Of course, "Lance Henriksen", on the box sucked me in but in the future I won't be so easily duped. In the "buyer (renter) beware" category, the simple fact that the The Asylum logo was on the box should have should have served as an, "I told ya so."

New rule: The Asylum = A nearly criminal waste of resources and time to create, view, and as I reflect, to even comment upon.

Never again.

Now knowing, less harsh reviews...

[angelafoltz · 5/10 · 20 July 2006]

Now that I know that the production was meant to be "tongue-in-cheek" I can enjoy the movie for what it was. If anyone is claiming they didn't laugh their asses off while watching this movie, then they have a major case of with taking themselves way too seriously. Having seen almost every version of Treasure Island Available, including Muppet Treasure Island, I can say that this doesn't stand up to it, and yes, I too was howling in rage as some points; but that was only when I wasn't howling in laughter. If you can take a joke, and see a movie for what it is--- poking fun at a genre and being intentionally silly (and between you and me, sometimes it is harder than it looks to be deliberately BAD, especially as BAD as this movie appears at times) this movie was fun. Watch it with a crowd, with buckets of popcorn to throw at the screen, and every time someone says something remotely pirate like, shout, "Arrrrrrrrr matey!" at the top of your lungs, I'm sure you'll have a modicum of fun. (No rum required, however it may make the evening FAR *FAR* more enjoyable.)

I can't begin to describe its badness (and not the good bad either)

[hoops123 · 1/10 · 2 July 2006]

If you're into really, really, really bad films...this one's for you. It's so bad it's funny.

Low Budget - Check; Bad Direction - Check; Bad Production - Check; Ridiculous Art Direction – Check; Bad Acting - Check; Bizarre Plot Twist – Check; Costuming & Props – What the hell?

"Pirates of Treasure Island" is quite possibly the worst film I have ever seen. An average high school film student could make a better film on a $1500 budget.

After watching the opening segment as the opening credits began to role, I had to rewind the DVD to make sure of what I had just seen. I seriously could not believe my eyes; I thought, "No way…I just didn't see a giant insect attack Long John Silver." The only positive thing I can write about this "film" is that it was "only" an hour and 15 minutes.

We were able to enjoy it due only to other viewer postings

[jwalsh67 · 4/10 · 31 December 2007]

I am eternally grateful to the people who wrote scathing reviews of The Pirates of Treasure Island--it allowed my son and I to actually enjoy it and not want our $4.99 back. I rented it thinking it was another version of the Stevenson classic (also, Pirates of the Caribbean was not available). Had I simply turned it on, I probably would have sent the remote through the screen. The acting is absolutely atrocious--it is almost as if the "actors" are TRYING to come across as being annoyingly amateur. Like others, however, I did enjoy Lance Hendriksen as Long John Silver, although his infamous handicap is conspicuously missing. The sci-fi inclusions are cute, as long as you know they are there. The plot follows the Treasure Island storyline ultra-loosely to a point where the title would have been better off being "The Pirates of Let's-Make-People-Think-it's-Like-'The Pirates of the Caribbean'-and-'Treasure Island'". Honestly, I don't think I have ever watched a movie that received such a low IMDb rating (1.7!!), but after reading people's comments I was able to reduce my expectations to near-nothing and have a good time. Thanks again!

Low budget film with nothing really done the right way

[snautzzzy · 1/10 · 25 June 2006]

I decided to watch this movie on a Sunday night because I had nothing to do and to be honest I expected a lot more.

The plot of the movie is the standard one for a movie that has pirates and a treasure in it- the treasure is hidden, the pirates fight among each other, beautiful women etc. There is nothing really surprising about the action in this movie- very boring. There are a couple of funny things that deserve to be mentioned here: 1. The acting is very bad- not surprising considering the low budget 2. The costumes are bad 3. The actors try to speak with British accent and they really fail in achieving it Avoid watching this movie

painful

[DogZillA1 · 1/10 · 7 July 2006]

all i can say is i fully expected the tavern wench/lady pirate to start removing all her clothes at every turn, as i have seen this caliber of acting before... in another genre. +++SPOILER+++ this is NOT a porn movie! tho it would make more sense if it was. i was about to wager that Asylum Home Entertainment was a company trying to break in to mainstream producing, when i noticed comments elsewhere that it appears their M.O. is to 'piggy-back' blockbuster movies by releasing 'C' movies with similar titles. this certainly would explain this release. i know better now. watch this expecting a 0... and u will be pleasantly surprised with a 1 by the way... why hasn't the producer or the grips' mother written in the lead review yet? usually they get it in fairly fast.

Oh, the humanity!!

[Gianopulos · 3/10 · 27 August 2006]

Granted, this movie is so monumentally bad, that there isn't a negative review out there that is negative enough to be able to actually capture how horribly bad this movie really is. However, I'm going to make an observation and say that there must have been two conflicting parties involved in the making of this movie and they never really communicated at all during the entire film-making process. Either that or the editor hated both parties and decided to try and end everyone's careers all at once.

If you are in such a dire need to see a pirate movie because Pirates of the Caribbean is no longer doing it for you, and you find yourself desperate enough to rent probably the worst pirate movie ever made, by all means, rent this movie, but do yourself a favor and watch the version with the commentary with the director (who plays a small part in the movie and actually does a decent job at it) and some other guy. I think it was one of the PA's. I'm not quite sure. I just know the guy had like five small parts in the movie.

First of all, having no dialogue only makes the movie better. Trust me. The two guys talking on the commentary track are hilarious! This seriously could've been another episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The weird thing is that the movie you are seeing with the commentary is almost a completely different movie. It actually looks better then the actual movie! When I say 'better,' that term is relative. Whoever decided to cast the blond girl as the part of the pirate who had killed 17 men and was supposed to look like a boy, must have been doing some serious hallucinogens at the time because this girl was so bad, she was the epitome of the word 'suck.' She was honestly the worst thing about the whole movie. Even worse then the Tom Cruise wannabe costar who was also horribly bad. If they had cast the brunette with the curly hair and the French accent (who actually had some decent acting chops and was much more interesting to look at) to play the blond girl's part, the movie would have definitely been a little more salvageable.

I think it's obvious that this movie was intended to be a spoof on the pirate genre, only somewhere down the line, someone decided to make it a serious film, which was a really bad idea. The cinematography was excellent for the most part. The editing was horrible. The acting was also horrible, with exceptions of a few small performances. The story could have worked for a spoof movie, but definitely not as an action-drama. Finally, if you're looking to find a good performance out of Lance Henricksen, don't think for a second you're going to get one here. I seriously feel bad for the guy. You can almost see in his eyes how depressed he must have been after doing films such as Dog Day Afternoon and Aliens to subject himself to this kind of ungodly poop.

One of the worst films I've ever seen (part of)

[paul-3144 · 1/10 · 20 April 2007]

This DVD is on the TV now. Hired it for my kids.

Watched the trailer first. I lie. I started to watch the film, found the first 5 minutes totally incomprehensible then decided to watch the trailer. Released "summer 2006" said the trailer. That set alarm bells ringing since it's only April 2007 now.

I reckon this one went straight to DVD.

The sound level at the beginning of the film was overly loud. I figured out why after a while. It's because the sound engineer had screwed up and you couldn't hear any of the pathetic dialogue, so they'd just upped the volume in general to try to get round it.

It is terrible; like an amateur movie. The accents and pronunciation are lousy (worst British accents I have ever heard) and the acting is simply appalling.

I couldn't believe this film was made in 2006 - it seems much older because the general quality of the film is so poor. Honestly, save yourself the bother and don't bother hiring this film for your children, buying the DVD as a gift or watching it on TV. I think this is one of those films that went straight to DVD.

Yup, the worst movie I have ever seen. We are about to turn it off.

Movie rocked

[krandor-1 · 8/10 · 30 July 2006]

My whole family enjoyed this movie. My daughter is a fan of any pirate movie, We liked the dialog and the action a bit predictable but what movie isn't any more. This movie had some good scenes on the island and the sets were remarkable. We enjoyed the interaction between Lance and Tom they had a chemistry that is remarkable. The only reason we rented this movie was because Tom Nagel is in it. With the budget they made this movie with, We found it quite enjoyable. This will be our next purchase at the DVD counter. I watched the butcher after this one and it was good my kids loved it especially when the girl got cut in half through the sun-roof.

I don't get why this has been rated so poorly.

[willman85 · 6/10 · 1 November 2017]

I don't get why this has been rated so poorly. It's not bad, in fact I think it's relatively good. Obviously it's cheap, but cheap doesn't necessarily equal bad. The story moves along at a nice pace. The subject matter of pirates is something always sensational and thrilling for all the family. It's got adventure. It's got period costumes. It's got treasure maps, choppy waters, betrayal, swordplay and Lance Henriksen. One thing it isn't, is dull.

Wow..and I thought "Cutthroat Island" was bad!

[Blondmyk · 1/10 · 6 July 2006]

I'm not going to summarize, as it's not worth my time.

There actually were some talented actors in this film, so I can't believe that it turned out this bad! The costuming was terrible--fake hair, mustache's and beards abound...I'm surprised that they didn't use elastic strings to keep them on rather than the standard spirit gum! I've never seen such bad costuming, ever! The sets were cheesy and obvious. The dialog was marginal at best. Good Lord! Did someone need a tax write off or something?

I even tried to call it campy fun, but the label just doesn't fit. I think I want the two hours of my life I spent watching it back...who do I have to talk to for that?

Don't waste your money...not even to rent the DVD.

Guestar loved THESE pirates !

[guestar57 · 5/10 · 6 November 2006]

PIRATES OF TREASURE ISLAND Starring: Lance Henricksen, Tom Nagel and Rebekah Kochan. Long John Silver has some treasure, Not his, and he has to hide it and get it at a later date. That's the plot, Now executed by Lance Henricksen and Theasylum regulars. The cast stood out with great accents and commitment. Tom Nagel had the thankless role as the hero. Rebekah Kochan looked the best I've seen her, She can fight too-Sometimes just with her blouse .Lance Henricksen seems an odd choice for LJS(What a tasty franchise),But he was great and so into Villain-mode. Okay, final score,The ship looked great, Island scenes rocked and The occasional creature was welcome.

Stupidest movie I've ever seen.

[nenadsf · 1/10 · 1 July 2006]

This is one of the stupidest movies I have ever seen, its not funny, plot is dumb, comparing to a pirates of the caribbean for example its really nothing. Well, I didn't like the music either, its annoying. Maybe I can say the story or the idea of the movie is not so bad by itself, but the realization is awful. The fights in the movie are done pretty naive, but there is one definitely good thing: it lasts 1 hour and 15 mins, so that is good, one cannot get bored so much, but that is too short for a movie, because the story is cut to a bunch of scenes which go one after another without cohesion, well thats my personal opinion. And it is not very violent after all, no way its a horror, far from that. Special effects are also done bad. I expected from a 2006 movie to have at least acceptable special effects if nothing else. All in all, it could definitely be a good movie for a 5 year old kid. But compared to other kids movies like spiderman, its not even close to them judging by the overall impression.

AKA "Pimp Ship"

[daviesjon-1 · 4/10 · 25 March 2008]

It's hard not to like Pirates of Treasure Island.

You know you're onto a winner when the same location (in this case, the treasure island of the title) is described on separate occasions as being, 'hidden in the bowels of Satan' AND 'the devil's playground'. Not only does it create a kind of glib, cartoon element to the proceedings, but really makes you wonder what ol' Beelzelbub's getting up to these days.

Other verbal highlights include 'Beware the one egg' (or something), 'All the powder in the world' (NOT in reference to cocaine), and pretty much every deathbed speech of the last ten minutes, as if being shot is now some open licence to soliloquise.

The plot is the standard affair from the perspective of a bored, insipid landlord apparently keen to throw of the shackles of the easy-going beverage industry (complete with large-breasted obliging barmaid) to don a bandana and shout 'argh' at the rain, in a predominantly-ship-based 'adventure' that often serves as a mere backdrop for grown men to compete in a 'most audacious headwear' competition, talk in embarrassing accents and - again - shout 'argh' at the rain. Fortunately, the large-breasted obliging barmaid tags along to produce one of several dramatic 'You're a woman?!' revelations which, by the climax, sees our young hero leading a quartet of inappropriately attired floozies in a battle against the male oppressors - sorry, I mean Pirates - in what can at best be described as an abstract, watery pimp-off.

Allegiences in this film may initially seem hazy, but allow me to elucidate: if a character has tits, they side with the protagonist. If they have a wig, they get shot. If they have a muddy face, then they're evil and must be stabbed by the people with tits. Easy.

I'll close with some drinking game suggestions. 1 finger when you're unconvinced by a CGI insect, 2 fingers when someone inexplicably gets shot, and 3 when the camera deliberately repositions for the best angle of our leading lady's bosoms. If no-one yet knows she's a lady, down it.

The Bugs Boss, the Bugs!!

[RobinCook70 · 1/10 · 28 June 2006]

How could this movie even have gotten released? I rented it on DVD today and did heavy leaning on the fast forward to get thru the bad acting, bad costumes and simply a rotten story that didn't connect. I was actually hoping the big bugs of the island would gobble everyone up to make this a half hour show or less to at least end the filming crews' misery. This one can't and shouldn't even be placed on the shelf for rental or sale let alone claim to be a pirate movie, unless that was the intent behind it to pirate/steal money from the public. Definitely avoid this movie, but if ya like bugs you get to see a few and they're the best part of the movie.

Good for kid 6-10

[danishbro · 4/10 · 25 July 2006]

Hard to write 1000 words for this B movie. The plot skips around a lot, and doesn't make much sense. Example, Ling Jhon Silver just killed his Captain in the jungle, Long Jhon becomes captain and the crew cheers, they hear a noise overhead and start running, then out of nowhere Long Jhon is on a mountain or something fighting some huge ant or something. And then the sets were so terrible, the cable of the ship looked like a church. The boat changed in every shot, it went from a galleon to a junk to a boom. The Boat they were on was like sparkling clean as was EVERY SINGLE pirates outfit, even the man who had been trapped on treasure island for ten years, must have found a laundry mat right? And the pirates teeth, oh wow they must have some great dentist on bored the 17th century pirate ship. The props where ugly and misplaced. A lot of stuff looks like it was ripped off pirates of the Caribbeans. The guy who played Long Jhon Silver though did a great job, but the others actor where garbage, there's this guy who french accent alone is enough to make this movie a comedy. For little kids its a good movie, but to be trueful just buy pirates of the Caribbeans and then you can watch the movie with them without throwing up. Sort of like the barney of pirate movies, only Barney has a plot line that makes sense

Treasure Island, Pirates of

[jrh5356 · 3/10 · 27 June 2006]

"Treasure Island, Pirates of" is how it should read. It's just another remake of RLS' classic novel with extreme artistic liberty taken in order to add a female "pirate" to the crew and really make it inane. Jim Hawkins is a bit older than the book had described and will probably not even attract the adolescent crowd. But what prompted this reviewer to post may become a future blooper trivia question. It was when Long John Silver (Lance) tells one of his crew that he would "put a bullet" in his head, and there is no way that a pirate would refer to a pistol ball as a bullet. I know, small detail but it makes this a B movie at best, and won't surprise this reviewer at all if it goes straight to DVD at release. It's a made for television movie if you don't care about accuracy. I feel it might just be an attempt to use the other BIG pirate movie popularity along with the title wording twist to leech some of the box office earnings. It was the worst movie of the year so far in MHO*.

*my humble opinion.

Only God knows...maybe!!!

[konnijs · 1/10 · 26 June 2006]

To begin I cant really say I am the best person to judge a movie from all directions and then I mean by acting, script, directing and so forth, but I can say when I see a bad movie and this is 1 of them. There are some actors in this movie I have often seen in other movies and do adore, and regret not seeing them in good movies for some time now - so I keep on waiting and hoping that maybe some day those actors will. But I am sure I would have liked the movie when I was a kid so maybe there is still hope for this movie for some age group but for those that are older then 14 or around that age and know the movie culture at some level will see those many flaws is this flick. I did not see all the movie but those few minutes of it that I saw was worth nothing more then telling me I should not see it all.

I apologies for my English for there can be flaws in my spelling or that I put the words wrongly together :)

PS: "The Asylum" produced this movie as well as "The Da Vinci Treasure" and I know that movie was as well bad so for "The Asylum" I am hoping that they are starting from the bottom and moving up or they have no hope of making a movie that all viewers like.

The best $14.86 I ever spent!!

[iluvPOTI · 10/10 · 28 May 2007]

The best $14.86 I have ever spent. I am now the proud owner of one of the finest movies ever produced. If you are looking for the experience of a lifetime definitely check this flick out. Great special effects, amazing plot, script and so much more! And the music... I have been listening to the soundtrack ever since I watched the movie for the first time six months ago. (I have seen it 52 times since) In addition, the action scenes were the most fluid and well crafted I have ever seen. This movie is a "must see," you will be disappointed if you miss this one. In a nut shell, this movie was an Amish boys 17-year-old dream.

It's A Spoof

[KinoKritiker · 7/10 · 18 September 2006]

It's a reasonably good low budget spoof, but it's not Blazing Saddles or Young Frankenstein. Don't expect a major studio production, and you may even enjoy the film. I had hoped that the bug on the island was somehow a recondite allusion to Edgar Allan Poe's The Gold Bug (which strongly influenced Stevenson's writing of Treasure Island), but, alas, that was probably too much to hope for. The humor is sometimes subtle (when it's not intentionally and blatantly absurd), and you will need also to listen carefully to catch most of it. Sometimes the humor is a little disappointing; with all of the luscious décolletage, the best line they could come up with was the "udder pain" one. So the humor isn't always National Lampoon, but it's still not a bad spoof.

Poke your eye with a plastic fork instead

[alliwantis · 1/10 · 29 July 2006]

This movie has nothing to do with Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. Poorly put together with a terrible cast, and awful dialog. The actors can't even deliver a line with french accent.

Lance has come a long way from being "brilliant" in Aliens. The people behind this load of poop had to be kidding. Too bad there are no funny lines in it.

This is a plastic-bag with the label "Instant pirates, just add crap" This movie just hurts. Nothing more to say but to add this quote...

"Patience my dear, we're going to an island. I'm sure there be plenty of bitches for all of us"

why???

[alexander_kaan · 1/10 · 18 September 2006]

this is a film which almost looks like its made for ruining any future pirate films. why... because it looks like its a high school play gone bad. this movie should not be displayed to anyone below the age of 120. if u do try and bite thru the thick layer of rubbish acting and bad scenery and clothing you will surely be surprised to find it irresistible to try and peel the way to obvious fake mustache of the screen which i believe is worn by the main character. i am a fan of movie's even if the budget is low, but this movie is not only low budget but ill-spent too i couldn't bear to watch thru the whole thing. it makes me think that people are still searching for that dare to be unemployed situation because if anyone ever try's to sell this they will surely end up in the unemployed section of the world because of traumatic reasons.

How did Lance Henriksen let himself into this mess?

[lynxspyder · 1/10 · 18 February 2007]

Okay, considering his recent appearances in such classics as Pumpkin: Blood Feud, I suppose it's not surprising that Henriksen would also fall into one of the positively worst movies ever made. When I ordered this on On Demand, I had hoped to see an at least somewhat faithful retelling of Treasure Island. When I saw that it was a complete trashing of it, I should have turned off the television. But no, I suffered through the whole thing. What's worse, CPS may be called to the house because my kids watched it with me.

This movie actually would have been entertaining had the filmmakers turned it into soft core porn. They had all the right ingredients with the women pirates aboard the ship who all miraculously became expert swordsmen--er--sword wielders at the end of the train wreck.

And what's with the bugs? If they wanted to turn this into Treasure Mysterious Island, fine; they should've launched whole hog into it. Instead, the bugs are just there.

Horrible, awful, terrible. Bad enough possibly to be a good drinking movie with friends.