- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Listen, to get these peasants to move, I'd dance the Watusi with a keg of nitroglycerin.
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Have you guessed what it is I've been trying to tell you?
- Jed Clampett: No Ma'am.
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Can't you tell just by looking at me?
- Jed Clampett: 'Fraid not.
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Then I must tell you. This burden is more than I can carry alone. It weighs too heavily on me. I can hide it no longer. I'm infatuated.
- Jed Clampett: Well shucks Ma'am. If that's all that's been botherin' you, ferget it. You're just pleasingly plump.
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Jed, I've been trying to tell you something in a subtle manner and I'm getting nowhere with it. Very well, I'll show you how I feel.
- [Mrs. Drysdale sits on Jed's lap]
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Now do you know what I've been talking about.
- Jed Clampett: I do for a fact. Your plumb shuttin' off the blood to my leg.
- Jethro Bodine: That was Mrs. Drysdale. She says that she's gonna throw Granny's soap kettle into the ce-ment pond. Let's go watch the fun, Elly.
- Elly May Clampett: Pa come quick! Granny's sinkin' fast!
- Jed Clampett: What?
- Elly May Clampett: She's took to bed with double pneumonie and pond water poisonin'!
- Jed Clampett: Why she never even got good and wet afore I got her outa that pond.
- Elly May Clampett: Well come on Pa, she's about to breathe her last!
- Jed Clampett: Granny's just tryin' to get back at me fer spoilin' her scrap with Mrs. Drysdale.
- Jed Clampett: [Granny gets riled up upon hearing that Mrs. Drysdale is downstairs] Lay back down, you're dyin'.
- Daisy Moses: I'm dyin' to belt her one.
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I'd feel much better if you could put your arm around me.
- Jed Clampett: Mrs. Drysdale, I could put my arm around you and have half of it left over. You've got to stop worryin' 'bout bein' fat.
- Daisy Moses: [Jethro and Elly May try to restrain Granny] Ain't you got no respect? Can't you see I got one foot in my grave?
- Jethro Bodine: No, but I can sure feel the other one in my stomach.
- Elly May Clampett: We dasn't let go, Granny. You'll go down and whomp Mrs. Drysdale.
- Daisy Moses: [Faking serious illness] I'm goin' to join the angels.
- Jethro Bodine: [Referring to California baseball teams] Well, they's doin' better than the Dodgers!