The current generation of no-budget video horror mavens can't seem to get the most basic things right, like lighting. THE RIVER is another made-for-radio horror opus, sure to delight fans of eye strain (judging from the recent rebirth of crappy 3-D, that means a pretty wide net).
Video is mercilessly padded, with those slo-slo end credits eating up lots of running time. It's 68 minutes including the crudely drawn opening credits (with director Terrence Williams voicing over most of the back-story), plus five minutes of pointless end credit crawl, which merely lists the cast members over & over, doubling on all the technical duties, plus five more minutes of pointless behind-the-scenes application of crude makeup and corny SPFX.
It's a toss-up which technical department is most deficient. I would have automatically picked on Williams' dim-lit interior videography, plus terrible blue-screen work in the final reel, as the two leads stand in front of a blurry exterior backdrop, as phony as a three-dollar bill. But Williams' sound recording trumps this, as the mousey Mary Sanchez as Anne Marie mumbles her unintelligible dialog throughout the middle of the film, giving star Will Morales as anti-hero Miguel an unintended one-man-show -we can actually hear him!
Voice-over sets up legend of La Llorona, the Crying Woman (also played with bad makeup job by untalented Mary Sanchez, as well as other actresses at times), who killed her kid and supposedly keeps preying on kids near the river. Miguel is driving along with a kidnapped girl tied up in bondage on his back seat when he crashes the car, to avoid hitting a young boy in the road.
Video spirals downward from here, in a hodge-podge of random footage, as Williams is clearly in need of a storyboard. He's already made several followups to this junker, so there's no stopping him, as long as he has two nickels to rub together for a production budget.
Miguel was hired to bring back big fat Estevan's runaway daughter Luciana, who has now escaped again after the car crash. He gets lodging at an inn (it looks like rooms for shooting 1970s porno movies, no atmosphere or set decoration whatsoever) and has dumb nightmares. Estevan commits suicide by hanging, but not before bequeathing his journal to Miguel.
That's handy, because Miguel delivers tons of voice-over late in the film filling in the many dumb plot elements Williams fails to enact on-screen. There's a nonsensical conspiracy involving foul-mouthed priest and Estevan's miscast blonde widow Denise Gossett (a non-Latina interloper in the troupe) which Miguel finally sorts out, too late.
With some cheapo gore effects and idiotic action, film's "Stay away from the river" premise is about all the viewer can cling to. Williams follows this advice too, as the horrible climax supposedly staged at the river is in front of the cheapest blue screens money can rent -two stars in closeup, their heads all outlined in green/blue spill with blurry palm trees projected in the background. It's a fitting conclusion to an hour of crap.
Even the expected titillating sex scene is built up to but entirely omitted, a pity for the fans since Williams' latest effort is a porn spoof HORNO about zombie sodomites. Sure can't wait to suffer through that baby!
Video is mercilessly padded, with those slo-slo end credits eating up lots of running time. It's 68 minutes including the crudely drawn opening credits (with director Terrence Williams voicing over most of the back-story), plus five minutes of pointless end credit crawl, which merely lists the cast members over & over, doubling on all the technical duties, plus five more minutes of pointless behind-the-scenes application of crude makeup and corny SPFX.
It's a toss-up which technical department is most deficient. I would have automatically picked on Williams' dim-lit interior videography, plus terrible blue-screen work in the final reel, as the two leads stand in front of a blurry exterior backdrop, as phony as a three-dollar bill. But Williams' sound recording trumps this, as the mousey Mary Sanchez as Anne Marie mumbles her unintelligible dialog throughout the middle of the film, giving star Will Morales as anti-hero Miguel an unintended one-man-show -we can actually hear him!
Voice-over sets up legend of La Llorona, the Crying Woman (also played with bad makeup job by untalented Mary Sanchez, as well as other actresses at times), who killed her kid and supposedly keeps preying on kids near the river. Miguel is driving along with a kidnapped girl tied up in bondage on his back seat when he crashes the car, to avoid hitting a young boy in the road.
Video spirals downward from here, in a hodge-podge of random footage, as Williams is clearly in need of a storyboard. He's already made several followups to this junker, so there's no stopping him, as long as he has two nickels to rub together for a production budget.
Miguel was hired to bring back big fat Estevan's runaway daughter Luciana, who has now escaped again after the car crash. He gets lodging at an inn (it looks like rooms for shooting 1970s porno movies, no atmosphere or set decoration whatsoever) and has dumb nightmares. Estevan commits suicide by hanging, but not before bequeathing his journal to Miguel.
That's handy, because Miguel delivers tons of voice-over late in the film filling in the many dumb plot elements Williams fails to enact on-screen. There's a nonsensical conspiracy involving foul-mouthed priest and Estevan's miscast blonde widow Denise Gossett (a non-Latina interloper in the troupe) which Miguel finally sorts out, too late.
With some cheapo gore effects and idiotic action, film's "Stay away from the river" premise is about all the viewer can cling to. Williams follows this advice too, as the horrible climax supposedly staged at the river is in front of the cheapest blue screens money can rent -two stars in closeup, their heads all outlined in green/blue spill with blurry palm trees projected in the background. It's a fitting conclusion to an hour of crap.
Even the expected titillating sex scene is built up to but entirely omitted, a pity for the fans since Williams' latest effort is a porn spoof HORNO about zombie sodomites. Sure can't wait to suffer through that baby!
