The Dirt (2019)

Daniel Webber: Vince Neil

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Quotes 

• Nikki Sixx : How many chicks have you fucked so far?

  Vince Neil : Three.

  Nikki Sixx : No, not today. On the tour.

  Vince Neil : Oh, man. I lost count after that gang bang in Salt Lake City.

  [laughs] 

  Nikki Sixx : That was fun.

  Vince Neil : What about you, old man?

  Mick Mars : Did you ever stop to think that the slobs who fuck you guys probably fuck every other band who comes through town?

  [pause, then Nikki, Tommy, and Vince laugh hysterically] 

  Vince Neil : Yeah. Yes, they do.

  Tommy Lee : Dude, we're like pussy brothers with the whole scene.

  [continued laughing] 

  Mick Mars : I happen to have respect for myself and the females of our species, unlike you animals.

• Vince Neil : When Tommy sits behind his drums, Nikki picks up his bass, and Mars plugs in his guitar, something happens, man.

  Nikki Sixx : It's like a weird kind of electrical humidity. You don't just hear it, you feel it.

  Tommy Lee : All I can say is we fucking made it, dude.

  Mick Mars : I don't know how we're not dead or in jail. We shit on a lot of people and did things that we regret every day. But somehow, we're still here, in it together.

  Tommy Lee : That's fate.

  Vince Neil : That's family.

  Nikki Sixx : And that's Mötley Fuckin' Crüe.

• [Ozzy Osbourne arrives at the pool, wearing only a bath robe] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : Let's have some fucking fun, huh?

  Nikki Sixx : Morning, Oz.

  [Ozzy approaches an elderly couple] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : Oh, you guys need some drinks, eh? Well, drinks are on me.

  [Ozzy moons the elderly woman with a dollar bill stuck between his buttocks] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : Take it. Go on! Come on! It's like a piggy bank in there. All right, I'll just leave it there for you.

  [the elderly couple leaves in disgust while Ozzy approaches Mötley Crüe] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : Drinks are on me! Drinks are on me!

  Tommy Lee : Morning, Oz.

  Ozzy Osbourne : Hey.

  Nikki Sixx : I'll take a refill.

  [Ozzy flashes the band] 

  Tommy Lee : Gross!

  [Ozzy climbs the lifeguard chair] 

  Nikki Sixx : I gotta hand it to you, Oz. All these years, and you're still keeping up with us kids.

  Ozzy Osbourne : Keeping up with them? I've fucking lapped you, mate! Now come here and have a talk with your Uncle Oz. Come on. Come on.

  [the band approaches Ozzy] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : Now, this is your first real tour, right? I want you to be careful. Have fun, but know when to say when. 'Cause a life full of booze, drugs, and unprotected sex is only gonna fuck you up, man. I mean, you take it too far, and you'll go fucking mad!

  [Ozzy jumps off the lifeguard chair] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : And give me a straw. I fancy a bump.

  Nikki Sixx : Oh, man.

  Tommy Lee : All right, we're all out of blow, dude.

  Vince Neil : Man, we're out.

  Ozzy Osbourne : I said I want a bump.

  [looking at Tommy] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : Straw, please.

  [Tommy gives Ozzy his whiskey straw] 

  Tommy Lee : Okay.

  [Ozzy smiles, then gets down and snorts a line of ants with the straw] 

  Nikki Sixx : Oh, fuck.

  [Ozzy gets up] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : You think you're ready for that, man? Do ya? Huh? Do you think you're ready for that?

  [Ozzy starts urinating on the pool floor] 

  Tommy Lee : [waving at the other guests]  Sorry.

  Ozzy Osbourne : Everybody else has a drink.

  [Ozzy gets down to lick his urine, scaring off the other guests] 

  Tommy Lee : You're a god, dude.

  Nikki Sixx : Crazy fucker. Watch this.

  [Nikki urinates on the pool floor, but before he gets down, Ozzy shoves him away and licks Nikki's urine off] 

  Tommy Lee : I can't unsee that!

• [Vince runs to the stage] 

  Nikki Sixx : Vinnie, come on, man. Let's go!

  [Vince meets up with Nikki] 

  Nikki Sixx : Jesus Fucking Christ. You do realize we just signed a record deal with his company and that fucking his girlfriend could seriously fuck that up?

  Vince Neil : Only if he finds out, man.

  [they look down toward Tom Zutaut, who looks at the viewers] 

  Tom Zutaut : I found out many years later, and it hurt really bad. Bottom line is, don't ever leave your girlfriend alone with Mötley Crüe. Ever! Because they'll fuck her!

• Nikki Sixx : So here's my theory, okay? If we want to knock people on their asses, then we've gotta give them a show. The punks, they're doing the minimalist thing, so let's take it in the exact opposite direction. I'm talking, I'm talking a stadium show in the clubs, man. Like, costumes and lights and...

  Tommy Lee : Pyro. Flames and shit!

  [Tommy sprays a lighter] 

  Nikki Sixx : Exactly.

  Tommy Lee : Explosions.

  Nikki Sixx : Exactly! Look, it's a fucking war out there, and the only way we win is by showing these kids something they've never seen before.

  Vince Neil : So what do we call this thing?

  Nikki Sixx : Where is it? Here.

  [Nikki pulls out his notebook with lyrics and Satanic drawings] 

  Nikki Sixx : You know, it's all about being, like, fucking larger than life.

  [Nikki shows them a sheet of paper with a pentagram and the word "XMASS"] 

  Vince Neil : XMASS?

  Nikki Sixx : Yeah.

  Mick Mars : On a scale of one to ten, that gets a 1.9.

  [Tommy chuckles] 

  Nikki Sixx : It's a play on Christmas, you know. You can use all the Christ imagery and shit. It'll piss people off and make people think, you know. It... It's got shock value.

  Mick Mars : Yeah. I'm shocked by how much it blows.

  [Tommy and Vince laugh] 

  Nikki Sixx : All right then, assholes. You give it a shot, but fucking make it big!

  [Tommy gets an idea] 

  Nikki Sixx : Here. Use my pen, Tommy.

  [Tommy starts scribbling on the notebook while chuckling] 

  Nikki Sixx : What have you got, Tommy?

  [Tommy shows a drawing of a penis and the words "The Fourskins". Vince and Nikki laugh] 

  Nikki Sixx : The Fourskins? Really, Tommy?

  Tommy Lee : Yeah. 'Cause we're gonna fuck the audience in the face every night, dude.

  Nikki Sixx : Yeah, but can you see that shit on the marquee above the Forum?

  Tommy Lee : Okay, you're right. I'm out.

  Nikki Sixx : Come on, Mick. You've gotta do better than that.

  [Mick shows them the words "Motley Crew"] 

  Mick Mars : I've been waiting a long time for this day.

  Nikki Sixx : All right.

  [Nikki grabs the notebook and does some scribbling on Mick's suggestion. He then shows his version of the name to the band] 

  Tommy Lee : [laughing]  That's sick, dude!

  Nikki Sixx : Right?

  Vince Neil : Yeah.

• [at Vince's party, Nikki snorts some cocaine when he notices Vince talking to a female guest] 

  Nikki Sixx : Mick.

  [points at the conversation] 

  Nikki Sixx : [mimicking a female voice]  Hey, are you in the band?

  Mick Mars : [imitating Vince]  What do you fucking think?

  [they both laugh] 

  Mick Mars : [a pregnant Sharise arrives in the conversation between Vince and the female guest] 

  Vince Neil : Hey, babe, this is Grace.

  Tom Zutaut : [imitating Vince]  Have you met my wife Sharise? Do you wanna have a threesome?

  [Nikki stares at Zutaut] 

  Nikki Sixx : Tom, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? She's fucking pregnant, man. That's fucked up.

  [guilty look on Zutaut's face before Nikki slaps his shoulder] 

  Nikki Sixx : Nah, I'm just fucking with you. I'm just fucking with you, man. But don't be a fucking dick, okay? Look at her, she's fucking pregnant.

  Mick Mars : [lies down]  Don't be a fucking dick, Zutaut.

  Tom Zutaut : All right, I'm sorry.

• Vince Neil : All right, stop stalling. Who would you rather fuck: Cyndi Lauper or Boy George?

  Razzle : How about neither?

  Vince Neil : Nah, man. You've gotta pick one, all right. You've got a gun to your head. Fuck one or die. Which one is it gonna be?

  Razzle : No, you know what? I'm having trouble accepting this premise. Under what circumstances would I find myself in such a situation?

  Vince Neil : It's a mystery, you Cockney fuck.

  Razzle : It's a mystery.

  Vince Neil : You know, some random fucker's trapped the three of you in a room, and he's demanding you fuck one of them.

  Razzle : Well, what does this mysterious person benefit from my sexual humiliation?

  Vince Neil : I don't know, man, but you're definitely gonna die if you don't fucking pick.

  [pause] 

  Razzle : In that case, I think I'd have to go with the Lauper. At least she's got the proper plumbing. Hey, no, but Georgie Boy, he's probably more experienced in the handling of penis.

  [Vince laughs before he realizes he's gone the opposite lane of the road] 

  Vince Neil : What the fuck?

  [Vince's car collides with another car] 

• [Vince wakes up after his car collides with another car. Razzle's head is on his lap] 

  Vince Neil : Jesus.

  Razzle : Hey. That was a fucking close one, man.

  [Razzle laughs] 

  Vince Neil : But... where are we?

  Razzle : It's Christmas.

  [Razzle looks up] 

  Razzle : Look at all the lights.

  Vince Neil : What the fuck are you talking about, man?

  [Vince starts seeing red lights flashing outside his car] 

  Vince Neil : Oh yeah. Look at the lights, man. What do you want for Christmas, Raz?

  [Vince realizes that Razzle is dead] 

  Vince Neil : Wake up, man. Raz, wake up. Hey.

  [a police officer approaches the car] 

  Vince Neil : Wake up, man. My buddy fell asleep. Hey! Wake up, man. Oh my God. Help! Razzle! Come on, man. Wake up!

• [as Vince prepares for his audition, Nikki hands him a sheet of lyrics] 

  Nikki Sixx : And we got you some lyrics. This is, uh, "Live Wire".

  Vince Neil : Yeah, I like this one.

  [Vince notices the concerned look on Lovey's face] 

  Vince Neil : What's up, babe?

  Lovey : I'm just trying to make sure these guys are good enough to play with you.

  [the band starts practicing "Live Wire" with Vince when Lovey suddenly gets up and interrupts them] 

  Lovey : This isn't right! This isn't right! This isn't right!

  Nikki Sixx : All right. Stop.

  [the band stops playing] 

  Nikki Sixx : Sorry, what?

  Lovey : This music's way too heavy, baby.

  Nikki Sixx : Thank you.

  Mick Mars : Why don't we just, uh, tune it all down a whole step so that he can...

  Tommy Lee : Let's play it faster too.

  Nikki Sixx : If you, uh, really stretch out the chorus...

  Vince Neil : Uh-huh.

  Nikki Sixx : ...and punch the top, man.

  Vince Neil : Okay.

  Nikki Sixx : Hit this note, right here.

  [Nikki points at Lovey] 

  Nikki Sixx : And muzzle that.

  Lovey : [gets up]  Hey, fuck you, asshole! He doesn't tell me what to do, so go fuck yourself, motherfucker!

  [Mick interrupts Lovey by playing the song, followed by the rest of the band. Vince's vocals get the whole band in sync, impressing Lovey all of a sudden] 

  Lovey : Holy shit.

• [the crowd heckles Mötley Crüe as they play their first song] 

  Drunk Dude : Who's the chick singer?

  Vince Neil : Fuck you, asshole!

  [Drunk Dude flips Vince and spits on his leather pants. Vince lunges at him, but gets punched in the face by the Drunk Dude. Nikki then hits the Drunk Dude with his bass] 

  Nikki Sixx : [narration]  Are you fucking kidding me? Our first show and it's gonna go like this?

  [Nikki jumps at another drunk crowd member] 

  Tommy Lee : Dude, hey!

  [Tommy jumps at another drunk crowd member] 

  Tommy Lee : [narration]  Hell yeah, it's gonna go down like this, dude. Let's kick some fucking ass!

  [as Nikki and Tommy brawl with the drunk crowd members, Mick kicks another crowd member before playing his guitar. Vince breaks a beer bottle on the Drunk Dude's head before the bouncers intervene and kick the drunk crowd members out of the club] 

  First Fan : Fuck yeah! Mötley Crüe! Whooooo!

  [the crowd applauds the band before they return on stage] 

• [Tom Zutaut approaches the band's table and hands his business card] 

  Tom Zutaut : Hey guys. I'm Tom Zutaut. I work for Elektra Records.

  Nikki Sixx : Nice to meet you, bro.

  Tommy Lee : Hey, man.

  Tom Zutaut : I'd love, uh, the opportunity to talk to you if you have a second.

  Tommy Lee : Wanna sit down?

  Tom Zutaut : [noticing Tommy holding his cigarette with his lower lip and chin]  That's really cool.

  Tommy Lee : Sit. Do it.

  Tom Zutaut : Thank you.

  Tommy Lee : Scoot over.

  Vince Neil : Yes, absolutely.

  [Zutaut sits next to Vince] 

  Tom Zutaut : Listen, uh, I've been seeing what you guys have been doing in L.A., and I think, with my help, I think I could really, you know, do something for you...

  [Zutaut suddenly feels his pants being unzipped and gets up. A blond woman appears from under the table as the band laughs at him while he zips his pants up] 

  Tom Zutaut : What is... Oh my God!

  Restaurant Groupie : No? Not for you?

  Tom Zutaut : No, thanks.

  Restaurant Groupie : You sure?

  Tom Zutaut : No, thank you.

  Restaurant Groupie : Okay.

  [Groupie disappears under the table before Zutaut sits down] 

  Tom Zutaut : Anyway, uh, let's get back to, uh, you know, what I was talking about. So, uh, what do you guys say? Do you want a record deal?

  Nikki Sixx : Uh...

  [Nikki grabs Tommy's head and bangs it on the table several times] 

  Tom Zutaut : Is that a yes?

  Vince Neil : I don't know if we can trust a dude who turns down a free blowjob.

  Tommy Lee : Yeah.

  Nikki Sixx : Yeah.

• [Vince visits Skylar at the hospital, where she has been diagnosed with cancer] 

  Skylar : I don't like it here, Daddy. Make it go away.

  Vince Neil : I know, sweetheart.

  [holds Skylar's hand] 

  Vince Neil : You're just gonna be here just a little while longer, okay?

  Skylar : But why?

  [pause] 

  Vince Neil : Well, you see, sweetheart, you have something growing in your tummy.

  Skylar : Like when Mommy had me growing in her tummy?

  Vince Neil : No, honey. It's more like... It's more like a flower. You have a flower growing in your tummy, but it's a type of flower that's not supposed to be in there. And so the doctors, they're gonna make you sleep just a little bit while they do an operation.

  Skylar : After the doctor takes the flower out, then I can go home?

  Vince Neil : [nods]  Yeah. Yeah. Then you can go home.

• [Vince is drinking at a bar after losing Skylar] 

  Bartender : Hey, Vince.

  [Vince turns around and sees Nikki, Tommy, and Mick] 

  Tommy Lee : Hey, man.

  Nikki Sixx : Just wanna talk, Vinnie. That's it.

  [pause] 

  Nikki Sixx : Come on, Vinnie.

  Mick Mars : Let's talk.

  [they move to a table] 

  Nikki Sixx : I was scared. After what happened with Razzle, I was scared that I was losing the only thing that ever mattered to me.

  Vince Neil : Yeah, your band.

  Nikki Sixx : No. No. This.

  [points around everyone] 

  Nikki Sixx : This. Look, we went to war together. Shit changes, people change, but I don't fucking care if Mötley Crüe never plays another note. All I want is my fucking brother back. Because this is the only family that I've ever known.

  [pause] 

  Nikki Sixx : Fuck.

  Tommy Lee : We love you, Vin. Okay, fuck, I love you.

  Nikki Sixx : And I am sorry about Skylar, man.

  [Vince breaks down in tears] 

  Nikki Sixx : Fuck.

  Vince Neil : It's against the laws, man. It's against the fucking rules of the universe.

  [Mick tries to comfort Vince] 

  Mick Mars : Hey.

  Nikki Sixx : Hey. We got you, brother. We got you, brother. We got you.

• [Razzle approaches Mötley Crüe's table] 

  Razzle : Mötley Crüe! You all all right?

  [pause] 

  Razzle : Razzle. Hanoi Rocks.

  Tommy Lee : What's up, man?

  [Tommy shakes Razzle's hand] 

  Razzle : We're touring the States for the first time, mate.

  Nikki Sixx : All right. Sit down, join us.

  [Razzle sits beside Vince. He suddenly feels his pants unzip and jumps off the seat] 

  Razzle : Fucking hell!

  [Mötley Crüe laughs as a groupie emerges from under the table. She pulls Razzle back to his seat] 

  Razzle : I fucking love America!

  [Nikki and Tommy howl in approval] 

  Vince Neil : I love this guy, man.

  Tommy Lee : Yeah, boy!

• [Tommy plays part of 'Home Sweet Home' on piano when Vince arrives at the studio] 

  Vince Neil : Yo.

  Tommy Lee : What's up, dude?

  Vince Neil : Hey, man.

  [Tommy jumps on the couch while Vince approaches the band] 

  Nikki Sixx : I got, um, the lyrics. I made a couple of adjustments, but...

  [Nikki hands Vince the lyric sheet] 

  Nikki Sixx : I think you may like 'em.

  Vince Neil : 'Home Sweet Home'?

  Nikki Sixx : It's been too long, buddy. Here.

  [Nikki offers a dish] 

  Nikki Sixx : Have a bump with me.

  Vince Neil : I just got out of fucking jail.

  [long pause while Nikki plays his bass, then Vince decides to take the dish] 

  Vince Neil : You're an asshole. Wanna show me the melody?

  [Vince snorts a line and suddenly feels uncomfortable. He runs and throws up on a waste basket] 

  Vince Neil : What the fuck was that?

  Nikki Sixx : That was smack.

  Vince Neil : You guys slip me smack, and I'm the fucking problem?

  [Vince kicks the table] 

  Vince Neil : Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm a monster. I killed Razzle, yeah. Could have happened to any one of you!

  Mick Mars : [puts on sunglasses]  Nice job, Nikki.

  [Vince walks out] 

  Nikki Sixx : [narration]  The craziest thing about all this... is that I thought it was Vince who was fucking up the band.

• Doc McGhee : Well, at least the album's great.

  Vince Neil : [scoffs]  The album blows, Doc.

  Doc McGhee : What are you talking about? 'Smokin' in the Boys Room' is gonna be huge. Come on! 'Home Sweet Home', everyone knows that's a hit.

  Vince Neil : Two decent songs. The rest is pure shit. Believe me, I know. I'm gonna be the only one sober up there every night trying to sell it.

  Doc McGhee : Well, I believe in you guys. Look.

  [Doc rolls up his left sleeve to show his 'Entertainment or Death' tattoo] 

  Vince Neil : [scoffs]  You know Nikki changed the title to 'Theatre of Pain' last night, right?

  Doc McGhee : Uh, of course he did. Go get some rest, buddy.

  [Vince walks backstage] 

  Doc McGhee : [whispering]  Fuck me.

  [pulls down his sleeve] 

  Doc McGhee : 'Theatre of Pain.'

• [before Tommy and Heather's wedding] 

  Tommy Lee : She's really gonna marry me, huh? This isn't some kind of a sick joke, is it?

  Mick Mars : Life's a sick joke.

  Tommy Lee : [fixing his bowtie]  Hey, what time is it? I think we should get out there. Hey, Nikki, let's hit it. You guys ready?

  [Nikki is sleeping on the couch] 

  Tommy Lee : Yo, best man! Let's go! I got a wife waiting. Come on.

  [Nikki is out cold] 

  Tommy Lee : You fucking kidding me?

  [Tommy approaches Nikki] 

  Tommy Lee : Hey, Nikki. Wake up, asshole.

  Nikki Sixx : What the fuck, dude?

  Tommy Lee : Jesus!

  Nikki Sixx : I'm good. It's all good.

  Tommy Lee : You're most definitely not all good, man. But, whatever, just clean up...

  [Nikki gets up and stumbles on the coffee table] 

  Tommy Lee : Hey! Hey, get your shit together! I don't want Heather to be embarrassed, okay?

  Nikki Sixx : I'm embarrassing? Cool.

  [Nikki drinks a beer] 

  Nikki Sixx : Let's go marry your fancy ass TV chick in this fancy ass hotel.

  Tommy Lee : Hey, are you gonna do this on the happiest day of my life, asshole?

  Nikki Sixx : The happiest day of your life? Nah, the happiest day of your life was when I let you join my band.

  [Tommy takes off his bowtie and walks away from Nikki] 

  Tommy Lee : Shall I get someone else to stand up there with me or what?

  Vince Neil : Don't look at me, man.

  Mick Mars : I'll do it, drummer.

  [Mick gets up] 

  Nikki Sixx : I-I-I've already got the fucking rings. Let's just go.

  [Tommy walks out of the living room while Nikki struggles to put on his jacket and falls on the coffee table again] 

  Nikki Sixx : Shit!

• [Vince storms into the studio] 

  Mick Mars : Maybe if we save that fill until the second chorus when we come in with the...

  [Vince barges in] 

  Vince Neil : Someone wanna tell me what the fuck's going on here?

  Nikki Sixx : Let's save us all some time, especially yours, Vince, as it's clearly more fucking valuable than ours!

  Vince Neil : You'd better tell me what the fuck's going on.

  Nikki Sixx : What's going on is that we're down here, and we're working, and we wanna be here, but we are tired of forcing you to be here with us.

  Vince Neil : Maybe I'd come in more if I liked the material.

  Tommy Lee : [gets up]  Maybe you'd like the material if you were in the studio making it with us instead of staring at your fucking watch!

  Vince Neil : Yeah, I'm staring at my watch because this album is fucking stupid!

  [pause] 

  Vince Neil : You know what, fuck all y'all. You know, I am done. Fuck this. I quit.

  Nikki Sixx : Good, 'cause you're fucking fired!

  Vince Neil : I quit already, dick!