Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Fat Hilary : Do you remember my eldest, Dominic? He's an international chess master.

  Susan Harper : Yes, you said - twice.

• Susan Harper : Oh, look! Here's Janey! You probably don't remember her. She's changed quite a bit.

  Fat Hilary : [to Janey]  Goodness me! The last time I saw you, you were running round the school playground with your skirt over your head, showing all the boys your knickers!

  Susan Harper : Maybe she hasn't changed that much.

• Fat Hilary : Hello, Ben!

  Ben Harper : [Thinking it's Susan]  Hello, darling! God, you've changed! You've done something different with your hair!

  Fat Hilary : How are you?

  Ben Harper : I have no idea! Who are you? I'm sorry - do I know you?

  Susan Harper : You remember Hilary Jessop?

  [Does a fat woman pose at Ben] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, yes! That's right - you used to be so fat!

• Ben Harper : You should have heard me - airing my views! I was committed, forceful, persuasive, erudite. There's another word...

  Susan Harper : Boring?

• Susan Harper : Look, I've got to beat Fat Hilary's fundraising effort and come up with a gourmet meal that will knock her sideways on Saturday night.

  Ben Harper : Well, your cooking's been known to knock people sideways before, Susan.

• Ben Harper : Hey, I'm always here for you, Susan! Except when I'm not.

  Susan Harper : Don't let me down on this.

  Ben Harper : When have I ever let you down?

  Susan Harper : I'd tell you, but I want to get to sleep before breakfast.

• Susan Harper : [about Dominic]  But he's not your type. He's wholesome, decent, pure as the driven snow.

  Janey Harper : I know! It's so attractive!

• Susan Harper : I can't serve my guests burnt food!

  Abi Harper : But you always said the carbon was good for us!

• Susan Harper : How do you fancy cooking for our dinner party on Saturday?

  Roger Bailey : I would love to! A chance to work in a nice big kitchen like this? It's a dream come true!

  Abi Harper : Oh, can I help, Rog?

  Roger Bailey : Yes! You can be my sous!

  Abi Harper : I like being Abi!

  Roger Bailey : Sous chef, Abi.

• Janey Harper : [about Dominic]  Do you know he doesn't believe in sex before marriage and I've told him I feel exactly the same!

  Ben Harper : [laughs] 

  Susan Harper : I think that particular boat has sailed, Janey!

  Ben Harper : Yeah! I think it's a microscopic dot on the horizon!

• Susan Harper : You're making our lives a living hell! You have to apologise!

  Ben Harper : Are you serious? I'd rather have a chimp remove my spleen with rusty scissors!

  Susan Harper : Be careful for what you wish!

• Ben Harper : [On TV]  I'm here to set the record straight. I mean, to me, cyclists are the salt of the earth.

  Michael Harper : [Watching Ben on TV with the family]  What's dad doing?

  Susan Harper : Something he's never done before!

  Janey Harper : What?

  Susan Harper : The right thing!

• Fat Hilary : [Cries]  Why can't my life be like yours?

  Susan Harper : I'm sorry? But your life is perfect!

  Fat Hilary : No, it is not! Believe me it is not! It is a sham from top to bottom! My husband is having an affair, my eldest son is sexually confused and his younger brother is doing time in Ford Open Prison!

• Ben Harper : [Tries to leave the house, but the front doorway is bricked up] 

  Susan Harper : Ben, what else did you say on that programme?

  Ben Harper : Well, nothing much... I think... Ah, yes, I... I may have mentioned... that all builders are shiftless cowboys!