Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Roger Bailey : [to Ben]  What's up with you, Mr Grumpy Boots?

  Alfie Butts : He's had a bit of a run-in with a cyclist who scratched his car.

  Abi Harper : Oh, is the cyclist alright?

  Ben Harper : Is the cyclist alright? Who cares?

  Roger Bailey : Well, did you get a good look at him?

  Ben Harper : No! But if I ever get my hands on him, I'd show him ways of using a bicycle pump he'd never imagined!

• Ben Harper : I didn't know you were a foodie, Roger.

  Abi Harper : He's fantastic! He's cordoned off!

  Roger Bailey : Cordon bleu, Abi, my little raspberry fool!

  Abi Harper : He's a wiz around the kitchen. Yesterday, he showed me how to tenderise my loins.

  Ben Harper : I'm saying nothing!

• Fat Hilary : Hello, Ben!

  Ben Harper : [Thinking it's Susan]  Hello, darling! God, you've changed! You've done something different with your hair!

  Fat Hilary : How are you?

  Ben Harper : I have no idea! Who are you? I'm sorry - do I know you?

  Susan Harper : You remember Hilary Jessop?

  [Does a fat woman pose at Ben] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, yes! That's right - you used to be so fat!

• Ben Harper : Mikey, grab your camera! Nip down to photograph the damage that cyclist has inflicted on my car!

  Michael Harper : What cyclist?

  Alfie Butts : No, no! Don't! You'll set him off again!

  Ben Harper : I'll tell you what cyclist!

  Alfie Butts : Told you!

• Alfie Butts : If you're really that upset about the cyclist, then you should get on the phone to West London Talk Radio.

  Ben Harper : What? Who?

  Michael Harper : Oh, yeah! Call them, dad! WLTR love nutters!

  Ben Harper : Yeah?

  Alfie Butts : Mmhmm. And personally, I've always found your opinions very, very interesting. Bigoted, narrow minded, fascist, but interesting.

  Ben Harper : I'm not bigoted, Alfie! I just want to make a point! A simple point that in a civilised society, there's no room for cyclists!

  Michael Harper : Didn't you say that about doctors?

• Alfie Butts : Mr Harper, I've got it on speed dial from when I was complaining.

  Ben Harper : Right. What were you complaining about?

  Alfie Butts : Well, the lack of airtime given over to alternative Welsh rock music!

  Ben Harper : Oh, well, we don't hear enough of that, do we?

• Ben Harper : You should have heard me - airing my views! I was committed, forceful, persuasive, erudite. There's another word...

  Susan Harper : Boring?

• Susan Harper : Look, I've got to beat Fat Hilary's fundraising effort and come up with a gourmet meal that will knock her sideways on Saturday night.

  Ben Harper : Well, your cooking's been known to knock people sideways before, Susan.

• Ben Harper : Hey, I'm always here for you, Susan! Except when I'm not.

  Susan Harper : Don't let me down on this.

  Ben Harper : When have I ever let you down?

  Susan Harper : I'd tell you, but I want to get to sleep before breakfast.

• Radio DJ : You've obviously got a bit of a bee in your bonnet about cyclists. But there are very good environmental benefits, you know?

  Ben Harper : What? Pfft! Like what?

  Radio DJ : Well, they don't burn petrol, Ben.

  Ben Harper : Pfft! Sorry, have you any idea how much pollution is caused in the manufacture of Lycra?

  Radio DJ : No?

  Ben Harper : No, exact... well, neither have I! But I mean, there must be a lot!

• Ben Harper : Look, I'm not for one moment suggesting that there should be some law passed which means cyclists should be rounded up and put in pens or... or camps... if you like. But, er... you know, let's not rule anything out...

• Janey Harper : [about Dominic]  Do you know he doesn't believe in sex before marriage and I've told him I feel exactly the same!

  Ben Harper : [laughs] 

  Susan Harper : I think that particular boat has sailed, Janey!

  Ben Harper : Yeah! I think it's a microscopic dot on the horizon!

• Susan Harper : You're making our lives a living hell! You have to apologise!

  Ben Harper : Are you serious? I'd rather have a chimp remove my spleen with rusty scissors!

  Susan Harper : Be careful for what you wish!

• Fat Hilary : And their daughter has a little boy called Kenzo.

  Richard : Strange name. What does his father do?

  Ben Harper : Impregnates college students and scarpers!

• Alfie Butts : Look, erm, Mrs Harper, if it's OK with you I think I'll take some soup to the cyclists.

  Ben Harper : Cyc...? You will... you will not feed those Lycra-clad vermin!

  Richard : You don't like cyclists, Ben?

  Ben Harper : Oh, love them - under the wheels of a juggernaut!

• Richard : You!

  Ben Harper : You! You gave me a V-sign!

  Richard : Well, there's plenty more where that came from! What do you think you were playing at?

  Ben Harper : I was observing the rules of the Highway Code, which is more than bloody cyclists ever do!

  Richard : I have a mind to smack you in the mouth!

  Ben Harper : Oh, really? Come on! Come on! Try! I'm a dentist - I can fix my own teeth!

• Ben Harper : [On TV]  I'm here to set the record straight. I mean, to me, cyclists are the salt of the earth.

  Michael Harper : [Watching Ben on TV with the family]  What's dad doing?

  Susan Harper : Something he's never done before!

  Janey Harper : What?

  Susan Harper : The right thing!

• Trevor : I thought you hated cyclists.

  Ben Harper : Oh... Trevor, Trevor, Trevor! N-n-n-no, no... My words have been, erm, taken completely out of context!

  Trevor : But you called them a bunch of lentil-munching pansies!

• Ben Harper : [Tries to leave the house, but the front doorway is bricked up] 

  Susan Harper : Ben, what else did you say on that programme?

  Ben Harper : Well, nothing much... I think... Ah, yes, I... I may have mentioned... that all builders are shiftless cowboys!