- Oliver David Beene: Michael, do you think I spend too much time with my mother?
- Michael: [while sorting his vinyl album collection] Are you kidding? You're the biggest mama's boy ever. Where should I put Perry Como? Under 'Romantic Male Vocals', or 'Romantic Ethnic'? Don't answer. I have to listen to my heart on this one.
- Oliver David Beene: So what should I do?
- Michael: Why don't you just try hanging out with guys more? Do a little male bonding.
- Oliver David Beene: [thrilled] That's a great idea! Come on, let's go do some "guy stuff" right now.
- Michael: [he has just found a favorite vinyl record] Ooooh, "South Pacific". We'll sing along. Wait! We'll make coconut bras!
- Oliver David Beene: [to himself, suddenly preferring his older brother] I wonder what Ted is doing?
- [after spending the morning male-bonding in places like the steam room, Oliver and his Dad are now having lunch]
- Narrator: I'd been scalded, beaten, scraped and seen my Dad's weiner, but at least now I was a man.
- Oliver David Beene: [he suddenly grabs his back in pain] Oy!
- Narrator: A 90-year-old man.
- Dr. Jerrimiah 'Jerry' Beene: I hope you're hungry. Feast your eyes on Dr Beene's Saturday Special: chili burgers, cheese fries, hot dogs, onion rings, milk shakes, and... steak and eggs!
- Oliver David Beene: Oh my God! It's everything I love, all in one place.
- Dr. Jerrimiah 'Jerry' Beene: Hang on. Don't forget your vegetables.
- [he places the ketchup bottle in front of Oliver, and they laugh hysterically]
- Narrator: Wow. Bonding with the Old Man over 650 grams of fat. What could be more grown up than that?
- [a waitress pours Oliver's Dad a cup of coffee]
- Narrator: Of course. The elixir of manhood.
- Oliver David Beene: Wait, please. Hey, Dad... could I get a cup of coffee?
- Dr. Jerrimiah 'Jerry' Beene: Mmmm, I don't know, Oliver. I'm not sure you're old enough.
- Oliver David Beene: Look, if I'm old enough to get beat with a branch
- [he's referring to the sauna earlier]
- Oliver David Beene: I think I can handle a little coffee.
- Dr. Jerrimiah 'Jerry' Beene: Mabel... my son wants a cup of coffee.
- Narrator: Then, Dad said the words that have bonded fathers and sons for centuries.
- Dr. Jerrimiah 'Jerry' Beene: [whispering] Just don't tell your mother.