Family Guy (TV Series)
I Take Thee, Quagmire (2006)
Nicole Sullivan: Joan the Maid
Photos
Quotes
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Peter Griffin : Everybody, this is Joan.
Joe Swanson : Hi.
Cleveland Brown : Hello.
[smitten, Quagmire imagines them in Rivendell, a la "The Lord of the Rings"]
Joan the Maid : [in Elvish] My life is mine to give to whomever I wish. I choose a mortal life with you, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire : [replying in Elvish] Giggity.
[returning to reality]
Glen Quagmire : Uh, uh, hey, there. I-I-I mean, it's n-nice to pleasure your acquaintance. I-I mean, uh, w-would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night?
Joan the Maid : I'd love to.
Joe Swanson : God, he works fast.
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Peter Griffin : Joan, it's great to have you here. No one's cleaned my belly button in a long time. Lois is afraid to go near there and my fingers are too thick.
Joan the Maid : What is this?
Peter Griffin : [she pulls out a carton of cigarettes] A carton of Parliaments? I haven't smoked in ten years. Hey, keep digging.
[she pulls out a video game system]
Peter Griffin : Ohh, ColecoVision. Yeah! This could be a fun afternoon.
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Peter Griffin : All right, boys. It's my maid's last night, so we gotta make the most of it. Now, I filled this watermelon with chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers.
[cut to the family room, where Meg sits on the couch]
Peter Griffin : Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy?
Meg Griffin : Okay. Why?
Peter Griffin : Uh, it's a present. It's a "thanks for being such a sweetie" watermelon. So you'll hang onto that?
Meg Griffin : Yeah, sure.
[he runs away giggling]
Meg Griffin : This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this?
[she shrieks as it explodes]
Meg Griffin : I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
Peter Griffin : Oh, maid!
Joan the Maid : [coming in and seeing the mess] Oh, my God!
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Joan the Maid : Hi, I'm Joan. I'm, uh, your maid for the week.
Peter Griffin : [loudly as if she doesn't understand] Me Peter. You maid.
Joan the Maid : Um, I do speak English.
Peter Griffin : You maid clean for me, Peter. You clean Peter mess.
Lois Griffin : Peter, stop it.
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Joan the Maid : Mr. Griffin, this is unbelievably humiliating.
Peter Griffin : [riding her like a horse] Hey, hey, Lois wants me to go to the store and the car's low on gas.