- The Vicar: [driving, and sees Hyacinth and Richard standing on the side of the road because Onslow's car has broken down] Oh damn, it's the Bucket woman!
- The Vicar's Wife: Should you be saying 'damn' like that?
- The Vicar: Not normally, no.
- The Vicar's Wife: What are you doing?
- The Vicar: I'm turning around.
- The Vicar's Wife: You can't turn round; you have to help those people.
- The Vicar: Oh, I suppose you're right.
- The Vicar's Wife: [sees Rose next to Hyacinth] Damn, it's the vampire sister! Turn round, turn round, turn round!
- Rose: [into phone] You're a louse! You've always been a louse! And what's more, you've got hairy toes! You're the first man I've ever known with hairy toes, Ted Butterfield, and it looks like a bad sign.
- Hyacinth: [grabs the phone and scowls at Rose, covering the receiver] Rose, you cannot speak like that to a Butterfield! Good gracious, girl, think of the bright future ahead.
- Rose: Bright future? Well, do you know the Butterfields?
- Hyacinth: Of course we know the Butterfields. We've just been there.
- [into phone]
- Hyacinth: My sister won't keep you a moment, Mr Butterfield.
- [covers receiver]
- Hyacinth: We call regularly at their place of business.
- Rose: What place of business?
- Hyacinth: [into phone] My sister's standing here in the grip of a very powerful emotion. You mustn't take any notice of her harsh words. It's just a crust that she's had to develop to cover her purity and simplicity. We're like that as a family; the highest standards prevail; my son wears pure silk pyjamas.
- [Rose is trying to grab the receiver]
- Hyacinth: Rose, pull yourself together. You'll have to learn to behave if you're going to maintain a relationship with one of the town's leading commercial families!
- Rose: What commercial family?
- Hyacinth: The executive motor showroom and garage. Their forecourt service is unparalleled.
- Rose: He's not that Butterfield! This one's a total dreck without a penny to his name.
- Hyacinth: Hnh?
- [into phone, shouting in a low voice]
- Hyacinth: And furthermore, will you kindly stop bothering my sister!
- [slams down receiver]
- Rose: [cries] What have you done that for! I love him!
- Hyacinth: How can you love him? The man has hairy toes.
- [first lines]
- Hyacinth: I heard a noise.
- Richard: There's no one there.
- Hyacinth: Are you sure everything's locked?
- Richard: Everything's locked, bolted, barred.
- Hyacinth: Did you check the windows?
- Richard: I checked the windows.
- Hyacinth: What about the garage?
- Richard: Yes, it's still there.
- Hyacinth: I can't understand why we've never been burgled. It's common knowledge that I have some very valuable objets d'art.
- Richard: Objets d'art?
- Hyacinth: My Royal Doulton!
- Richard: Oh, that.
- Hyacinth: And the figurines that were Grandmamma's.
- Richard: Yes, those.
- Hyacinth: The Wilkinsons were burgled. On his income, I can't understand how they could afford to be burgled. Quite honestly, in their circumstances I think it's a mite pretentious of them to be burgled.
- The Vicar's Wife: I liked it better when you were chaplain of a prison.
- The Vicar: I didn't! I was beginning to talk out the side of my mouth.