- Rob Petrie: How do you figure that you're the best dentist in the whole world?
- Jerry Helper: Simple logic. I consider you one of the smartest and brightest people in the world.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, thank you, kindly.
- Jerry Helper: And who does your dental work?
- Rob Petrie: You do.
- Jerry Helper: See?
- Buddy Sorrell: [trying to round up a dentist for Rob] Sally, how about your dentist?
- Sally Rogers: Oh, he's wonderful. He's handsome, he's single, and he's a wonderful dancer.
- Buddy Sorrell: How about teeth?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, he's got teeth.
- Rob Petrie: Boy, somebody once said, "The man's home may be his castle but very often his teeth are not his own."
- Rob Petrie: I know he'll understand about the emergency but I'm just wondering if he's going to understand about this other one.
- Laura Petrie: What other one?
- Rob Petrie: [pointing to another tooth] That one.
- Laura Petrie: Did he do that too?
- Rob Petrie: Yeah. It needed doing but I could easily have waited for Jerry.
- Laura Petrie: Well, why didn't you?
- Rob Petrie: Well, I don't know. I was sittin' there in the chair with my big mouth open, I thought I might as well let him drill away.
- Rob Petrie: Rip 'em out, Jerry. All of them. Just rip 'em out. Everything out of my mouth. Just leave me my tongue so I can curse myself, Jerry.
- Buddy Sorrell: I think toothaches are very funny. What's funnier than that?
- Sally Rogers: An itch.
- Buddy Sorrell: A tooth-itch?
- [Finally meeting Jerry after avoiding him for a week, Rob wants to keep the conversation serious so he won't smile and show Jerry his teeth]
- Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, I'm glad the girls are gone. I heard a couple jokes at the convention I gotta tell ya. Come on, sit down.
- Rob Petrie: Uh... Jer... I'd... d'I'd... I don't think we ought to be telling any jokes right about... Hadn't you been reading the papers?
- Jerry Helper: What, what?
- Rob Petrie: Well, there's a lot of... FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.
- Jerry Helper: Where?
- Rob Petrie: Well, it's around. A lot of it's going around, Jer.
- Rob Petrie: [comparing Dr. Helper to Dr. Bardhoffen] Jerry's a good dentist. I have nothing against his work at all. That's the difference, you see: One of 'em is a worker, the other one is an artist.
- Laura Petrie: Look, Jerry's been back in town for a week now. You can't avoid him forever.
- Rob Petrie: Who's tryin' to avoid him forever? I'm simply trying to avoid him long enough so I can figure out a way to tell 'im about those strange inlays on HIS back molars.
- Laura Petrie: Darling, those are YOUR back molars.
- Rob Petrie: According to Jerry, my teeth are his teeth.
- Jerry Helper: I been busier than a centipede's mother tryin' to diaper a baby while puttin' their shoes on.
- Jerry Helper: Ordinarily you're a very smiley guy. I haven't seen you smile once since I came in.
- Rob Petrie: Well, J-Jerry, uh, b'yah, it's the... it's FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.