- [Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
- Barney: Beer! That's what I need!
- Barney: Barney, no! Don't!
- Barney: Yes! I need it.
- Homer, Barney: [Barney opens the beer can and starts to drink, but Homer grabs his arm]
- Homer: No! You've gotta be sober for this. Give me that.
- Homer: [starts chugging the beer] Ew, it's warm.
- Barney: You can't drink 'em all.
- Homer: Oh, yes, I can.
- [Homer wrestles Barney for the rest of the six-pack and chugs it]
- Homer: I won't let you give up now, when you worked so hard...
- [slurring]
- Homer: ...to be the greatest pal in the world. I love you. Let's not lose touch after graduation.
- [passes out]
- Barney: You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me.
- Homer: Stay away from my wife!
- Barney Gumble: I'm just saying that when we die there's gonna be a planet for the french, a planet for the chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier.
- Lisa: Mr. Gumble, you're upsetting me.
- Barney Gumble: No, I'm not.
- Homer: Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning.
- Barney Gumble: Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last twenty years.
- Moe: Oh, that's okay, Barn.
- Barney Gumble: No, it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
- Moe: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.
- Barney: So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.
- Homer: [punching his pillow] Stupid Barney! Thinks he's too good for me.
- Marge Simpson: Cheer up, Homey. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years.
- Homer: But you've got me. Who have I got?
- Marge Simpson: [sighs] You still have Lenny and Carl.
- Homer: Aw, Lenny and Carl suck!
- [pleadingly]
- Homer: Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, because if I ever lost them as friends...
- Marge Simpson: Well, if Barney's that important to you, you've got to work it out. Old friends stick together, like OJ and AC. Or the Falcon and the Snowman.
- Homer: Oh, why can't I have a nickname?
- Moe: [Homer arrives at Moe's] Hey Homer!
- [as Homer starts to sit down]
- Moe: Oh no no no, don't sit there
- [wipes off another stool]
- Moe: take this seat right next to the tap
- Homer: But that's Barney's seat! Are you trying to make me the new Barney?
- Moe: Hey ever bar needs a world class drunk
- Lenny: Yeah someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging
- Homer: Well forget it I am not Barney!
- [let's out a belch just like Barney's signature belch]
- Moe: [everyone laughs at Homer] See Homer, it's not so bad, now dance rummy!
- Homer: [sadly] Oh, okay
- [hums a tunes while dancing in a disappointed manner]
- Lisa: We'll never get a good picure.
- Bart Simpson: Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head?
- Lisa: That picture's a cliche.
- Bart Simpson: Picture?
- Barney: When I think about all the time I wasted at Moe's...
- Homer Simpson: Wasted? But what about our staring contests? And how we always knew what football coaches should have done!
- Barney: [after seeing a videotape of his birthday party] Oh, I'm a disgrace!
- Homer Simpson: Disgracefully hilarious. You passed out before we could even give you your presents!
- Barney Gumble: Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behaviour over the last twenty years.
- Moe: No, that's okay, Barn.
- Barney Gumble: No it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
- Moe: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.
- Homer: [as the Tiki] Behold, I'm King Talky Tiki!
- Homer: Hey, Flanders, can your god do that?
- Ned Flanders: Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god.
- Homer: [as the Tiki] Irregardless, I am your god, now!
- [Homer saves Bart and Lisa from a forest fire while drunk]
- Bart Simpson: You did it, Dad!
- Homer: You can't prove I did it!
- Lisa: No, you saved our lives.
- Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money.
- Lisa: What?
- Moe Szyslak: I got you helicopter flying lessons. Can you imagine this booze-bag at the wheel of a whirlybird? He'd be all "Look at me, I'm a tanked up loser in a helicopter!"
- [bar patrons all laugh]
- Kirk van Houten: [at AA meeting] Welcome back, Homer. I see you finally hit rock bottom.
- Homer Simpson: Psshh, not a chance. I can sink way lower.
- [first lines, Bart writing on the blackboard during opening credits]
- Bart Simpson: I was not touched "there" by an angel.