- [Marge and Homer have an argument in the car. Marge turns on the radio]
- Marge: When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting!
- [Bart, Lisa and Maggie watch from the house]
- Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
- Lisa Simpson: That music always sends a chill down my spine.
- Homer: Now, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
- Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
- Homer: I admit it - I didn't know when to say when. Sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
- Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
- Homer: Aww.
- [Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party]
- Julius Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
- Marge: Um, thank you, I will Doctor Hibbert. Thanks for coming.
- Julius Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."
- Marge: Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, and that there was no line you could cross that could make me stop loving you. But last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it!
- Reverend Lovejoy: We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack including "Bible Bafflers," "Satan's Boners" and "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners" and for you teens, "It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell."
- Clerk: Yep, General Sherman. They say he's five hundred pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's hundred years if he's a day.
- Customer: And, uh, no one's ever caught him?
- Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel: cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of Hell.
- Ned Flanders: [Ned is telling Reverand Lovejoy what he doesn't like about Maude] Maude, God blees her... She's always marking passages in my bible.
- Homer: It's a good thing you don't have guns in the house.
- Marge: [about Homer] It's just that he's so self-centered!
- Homer: [covers his face] Buh, wait, oh!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Now, Homer...
- Marge: He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, both religious and secular. He chews with his mouth open. He gambles. He hangs out in a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes!
- Homer: It's true, it's true. It's all true.
- [crying]
- Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, don't interrupt.
- Homer: Sorry.
- [stop fake crying]
- Marge: He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle!
- Homer: I only did that a couple of times!
- [reaching the end of her list of Homer's flaws]
- Marge: He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises, and when he wakes up, he makes honking noises. Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it... Oh, no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long, and yellow.
- [a la "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"]
- Gloria S.: Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it, man-wise, for some time, not that I'd want stench of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.
- John S.: That's enough, Gloria!
- Reverend Lovejoy: John, why don't you speak?
- John S.: She never cooks, she doesn't keep a clean house, she
- [shouts]
- John S.: smokes and she drinks and she talks profanely! She's the queen of the harpies!
- Gloria S.: No, I'm not.
- John S.: [shouts] Queen of the harpies!
- Gloria S.: No, I'm not!
- John S.: [shouts] Here's your crown, Your Majesty. Queen of the harpies!
- Gloria S.: Get away from me, you swine!
- Homer: [inebriated off Flanders' punch, speaking to one of the guests] I've been wantin' to tell you off for years, but I never had the nerve!
- Marge's Friend: [worriedly] Homer, I don't know you. My wife and your wife are friends. We met just three hours ago...
- Homer: You... stink! You and your whole lousy operation stinks! I QUIT!
- Marge's Friend: Uh... gee, don't - don't quit.
- Homer: Alright then.
- [he staggers over to Maude, eyes twitching slightly]
- Homer: Could you... give me a... handful of peanuts... Maude?
- Maude Flanders: Oh, sure.
- Homer: Not those peanuts. The ones at the bottom...
- Maude Flanders: Oh, okay.
- [Homer sees her cleavage and gurgles. Marge watches, getting increasingly annoyed]
- Marge: Call this number of Grandpa falls in the bathroom.
- [quietly to Bart and Lisa]
- Grampa Simpson: I heard that!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where I've ever told one partner that they were one-hundred percent right! It's all his fault, and I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.
- Lisa Simpson: Bart, Grampa is a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure its right to take advantage of him?
- Bart: Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong. Right now, my gut is telling me: "bleed Gramps dry."
- Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
- Lisa Simpson: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.
- Barney Gumble: Is that new kind of mace? It's really painful.
- [after one of Marge's sisters sprays him in the eyes for flirting with them]
- Reverend Lovejoy: Remember my saving your lives and bringing you happiness when we pass the collection plate next week!
- Imaginary Party Guest #3: [Reacting to Homer's drunken prank] I pronounce it to be the most whimsical jape of the season!
- Barney Gumble: [drunkenly flirting with Patty] Hey you're Homer's sister in law right?, I remember you, but I don't remember you being so beauti-
- [belches]
- Barney Gumble: ful
- [Patty sprays him with mace causing him to go into a coughing and burping fit]