Everybody Loves Raymond (TV Series)

Home from School (2003)

Sullivan Sweeten: Michael Barone

Quotes 

• Michael Barone : The kids teased me.

  Ray Barone : What?

  Michael Barone : In my class, all the kids laughed at me.

  Ray Barone : The kids laughed at you? Why?

  Michael Barone : I went up to the teacher to ask her a question, and I accidentally said "Mommy."

  Ray Barone : You called the teacher "Mommy"? Why? Was the teacher yelling?

  Michael Barone : Then I cried, and everybody called me "crybaby."

  Ray Barone : I made you eat the fiber. Hey, speaking of baseball, did I ever tell you the story about me and Little League? It's kind of funny. It's, uh I was a little older than you, and right before the game, I had just drank a lot of Kool-Aid. So I had to go to the bathroom, but I decided to hold it, 'cause when I was a kid I didn't like going to the bathroom. Now I like going to the bathroom. I like it a lot. So it's the third inning, and I'm playing second base, and I've gotta go real bad. I'm scrunching my legs together. I'm banging my mitt against my thigh. I'm trying to keep up the chatter real loud. I thought if I screamed loud enough, it would distract me. You know, "Hey batter batter hey batter batter, swing!" But couldn't hold it. I started to go.

  Michael Barone : You were on the field?

  Ray Barone : Right between first and second. It-it-it felt so bad and yet so good. I still tried to keep up the chatter, but it was more like

  [fluctuates the pitch of his voice] 

  Ray Barone : "Hey batter batter hey hey batter, swing." So this this dark spot is getting bigger and bigger. But nobody seemed to notice, so I just thought soon as the inning's over I'm just gonna run off the field, jump on my bike, and ride home. Just then I look up, and there's Dave Malloy on our bench. "Hey! Look at Barone!" I look up, and all the kids are laughing at me. My own teammates, they were pounding the fence, they were laughing so hard. And there I was, at second base right in the middle of everything.

  Michael Barone : What did you do?

  Ray Barone : I did exactly what you're supposed to do I cried. I bawled my eyes out. I should've cried earlier. Maybe it would have diverted some of the pee into tears.

  Michael Barone : Really?

  Ray Barone : No, the body doesn't work that way. Anyway, you know how in baseball you want a cool nickname? You know, like "Hammerin' Hank" or "The Big Hurt"? You know what the kids called me? "Pee Pee" Raymond.

  [Michael giggles] 

  Ray Barone : That's pretty clever, huh? "Pee Pee Raymond! Pee Pee Raymond!" That was me Pee Pee Raymond. Yeah that was a bad day. It was like I had a rain delay in my pants. So that's baseball.

• Ray Barone : None of this Captain Sugar's Chocolate-Covered Sugar for you! You're hungry? All right, if you're hungry, here. Here's what you're gonna eat. Fiber 100, all right? Yeah, that's right. No fun stuff, okay? No cartoons on the box for you, you're... you're getting two grandmas on a bike, the kind of crap I have to eat every day. Yeah. Yeah. No maze to Chocolate Land. Yeah, you can read about colon health. So dig in! Here you go. Here's some delicious skim milk for you. Welcome to my world. All right, listen, here's how it's gonna go today: No cartoons, no video games, no computer games, no fun, okay? First, you're gonna eat this wood. Then you're gonna get your homework, and you're gonna come downstairs to my office. It's study hall. That's right. You're gonna work right in front of me where I can keep an eye on you, you got that?

  Michael Barone : I don't have any homework.

  Ray Barone : Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Who do you think you're dealing with here, huh? I may seem stupid, but that's just to get your mother to not ask me to do stuff, okay? I know all the angles, pal. I know all the excuses. If my dog Shamski had eaten as much homework as I said, he would have pooped the "Encyclopedia Britannica." All right? So you just eat this, then you're getting your homework and you're coming downstairs.

  Michael Barone : I don't have any.

  Ray Barone : You're sticking' with that story, huh? All right. Well, you know what? You're just gonna come downstairs and you're gonna watch me work. You think school is boring and meaningless, wait till you see what I do for a living.

• Ray Barone : All right, pay attention. I'm gonna read you something that I'm working on. It's a baseball column. "Everybody always says the designated hitter has taken the strategy out of the game. You know, is the manager gonna pinch-hit for the pitcher, or is he gonna leave him in? I say, 'What's so exciting about watching some fat manager think?"' How's that sound?

  Michael Barone : Good.

  Ray Barone : Yeah? What's good about it?

  Michael Barone : The fat manager.

  Ray Barone : It's kind of funny, isn't it? All right.