- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [considering Klinger's leave request] I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son. And he dresses a lot like my wife.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [In mess line] You're going on KP, Maxwell!
- Igor Straminsky: I AM on KP, sir.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well the minute you come off, you're going on!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Major Burns would give a drowning man a glass of water.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Should you give a drown...
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Major Burns has no heart.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: What's that?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: They're flowers, ma'am.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: I can see that, Corporal. I've been to the country.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, the person who gave these to me said, "Give them to Major Houlihan, the most wonderful person in the whole camp."
- Major Margaret Houlihan: [Looking lovingly at the flowers] Anemones.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Yeah, but he wants to be friends now.
- Driver: [Watching Klinger, decked out in evening wear, get into Gen. Barker's car] It can't be...
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What's that?
- Driver: She looks like she needs a shave.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, she's been on duty all day.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Major Burns] You're gonna get the distinguished stingy cross.
- Maj. Frank Burns: These two aren't entitled to civility. They stuffed lard in my gun belt and write nasty things on my shorts.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We like to send threatening underwear.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hold still, Frank.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Hmm?
- [Hawkeye swats Frank's forehead with a towel]
- Maj. Frank Burns: Did you get it?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Get what?