The Simpsons (TV Series)

Duffless (1993)

Harry Shearer: Principal Skinner, Mr. Largo, Tour Guide, Richard Nixon, Eddie, Reverend Lovejoy, Jasper Beardly, Ned Flanders, Otto Mann, Commercial Man #2, Baseball Commentator, Train

Quotes 

• Lisa Simpson : I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.

  Clerk : Okay.

  [reaches into a box under the counter] 

  Clerk : Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor.

  Lisa Simpson : How can a hamster write mysteries?

  Clerk : Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward.

  Lisa Simpson : Aw, c'mon.

  Clerk : Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?

• [during the 1960 vice-presidential debates on TV] 

  John F. Kennedy : I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer.

  [cheers] 

  Richard Nixon : Uh, I'd also like to express my fondness for that particular beer.

  [boos] 

  Homer : The man never drank a Duff in his life.

• Rev. Lovejoy : Now Homer, feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.

  Homer : The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.

  Rev. Lovejoy : I cast thee out!

• Homer Simpson : I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.

  Rev. Lovejoy : Mm-hm. Third door on your left.

  [Jasper walks up] 

  Rev. Lovejoy : Coping with senility?

  Jasper : No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait.

  [pause] 

  Jasper : Coping with senility.

• [first lines] 

  Principal Skinner : Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.

• Principal Skinner : [seeing Bart's science project]  "Go-Go Ray"?

  Bart Simpson : Allow me to demonstrate.

  [turns switch to "Mashed Potato" and zaps Skinner] 

  Principal Skinner : AH! What the-?

  [He does the Mashed Potato across the room. Mrs. Krabappel laughs. Bart turns the switch to "Monkey" and zaps her] 

  Edna Krabappel : AH! Can't... stop... doing... the Monkey!

• Principal Skinner : [Bart throws Lisa's giant tomato at Principal Skinner]  NOOOOOOO!

• Tour Guide : Now, this is the most important man on the tour. He's in charge of quality control.

  Phil : [removes a bottle from a conveyor belt if it contains an unsavoury object]  Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine.

  Barney Gumble : Lemme just say, you're doin' a great job, Phil!

  Phil : Hey, thanks a lot. That makes it all worthwhile.

  [distracted, he fails to notice bottles containing false teeth, a severed finger and a three-eyed fish, as well as a jar containing Adolf Hitler's severed head, pass by on the belt] 

• Principal Skinner : [Principal Skinner bends over to tie his shoe]  Over, under, in and out... That's what shoe tying is all about.