Thirtysomething (TV Series)
Housewarming (1987)
Ken Olin: Michael Steadman
Photos
Quotes
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Melissa Steadman : You want everything to be really nice and beautiful for the housewarming so that all your business friends, who you don't really like, will be really impressed.
Michael Steadman : Exactly.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I mean, can't we find a simpler solution? You know, more like an intermediate idea? A compromise approach.
Melissa Steadman : Cheaper.
Michael Steadman : No, no, it's okay. It's okay. All the people will come, and they'll rip their clothes on the nails, and they'll say "What's that mildew smell?". They'll lose all respect for me, and I'll go bankrupt. I can handle that.
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Hope Murdoch Steadman : It's come to this?
Michael Steadman : It's only a little chart.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : How many variables are there on this particular chart?
Michael Steadman : Do you really wanna know or are you just making fun of me?
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Both.
Michael Steadman : Okay. We've got money coming in, that's green. And we have household expenses; monthly, that's blue. Weekly, that's purple. Additional money for the breakfast room, that's red. Ha ha. Insurance, mortgage, government extortion, charitable guilt, auto usury, general upkeep on our house. Ha ha. Travel, ha. Leisure, ha ha. And a new car, which I don't need and I can't justify spending any money on. Ha ha ha ha.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : You seem a little tense, honey. Try and get some sleep.
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Michael Steadman : What is that? No. Give me that. You cannot read that.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : [taking pleasure in teasing him] "The Girl with the Kool-Aid Soul," a novel in verse by Michael J. Steadman.
Michael Steadman : Give me that. That should be burned.
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Dave Finland : Yeah, it's an archway.
Michael Steadman : The question is, can it not be an archway?
Dave Finland : It can probably not be anything you want it to be, assuming, uh...
Michael Steadman : Assuming?
Dave Finland : Well, assuming we can keep the second floor up on the second floor.
Michael Steadman : Huh.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Hi.
Dave Finland : Hi.
Michael Steadman : Hi.
Dave Finland : Hi, there. What's your name?
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Say, "I'm Janey." So, is it terrible?
Dave Finland : No. Nah. It's quite a house.
Michael Steadman : He says it's in worse shape than we thought it was.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I didn't think that was possible.
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Michael Steadman : I think you're, like, really an okay person with very limited bad qualities.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Thank you.
Michael Steadman : Which makes it hard to understand how you could have ever gone out with Jerry Stahl.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I didn't go out with Jerry Stahl. I had a stupid, self-destructive, extended physical encounter with Jerry Stahl.
[Mike groans]
Hope Murdoch Steadman : It was eight years ago. I didn't even know you then.
Michael Steadman : You wouldn't have had a self-destructive, extended physical encounter with me.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Why would I want to? You're the most wonderful person I've ever met. You are sweet and good and true. And I love you.
Michael Steadman : [a little insulted] Sweet?
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I'm going to sleep now, completely satisfied. Good night.
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Michael Steadman : Glad to see it's coming along so well.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : You don't like it now 'cause it's not what you wanted. But, you know, once it's done, you're gonna love it.
Michael Steadman : I suppose.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : [giving Janey to him] Here you go, Janey. Make your daddy feel better.
Michael Steadman : Come here, sweetie.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Yeah.
Michael Steadman : I'm sorry.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Oh, it's okay. Everybody in this family is allowed to go crazy once every three days, as long as someone else isn't crazy concurrently.
[Janey coos]
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Yeah. I mean, how could anybody ever go crazy after they've looked in this perfect face?
Michael Steadman : Yeah. Aw, you don't give a damn about money and wallboard or anything except sleeping and playing and Mommy's breasts. And if your daddy were smart, he would adopt the same attitude.
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Hope Murdoch Steadman : Where'd you get the shirt?
Michael Steadman : Bought it.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : When? You never tell me anything anymore.
Michael Steadman : I bought it last week when the collar wore through on my 15-year-old Brooks Brothers button-down.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : You actually went out into the real world and bought something for yourself? Well, what was it like?
Michael Steadman : Shut up. You don't like it?
Hope Murdoch Steadman : No, no, no, I like it. I mean, I just have to get used to it. It's, um, not your... you.
Michael Steadman : I'm hip, babe. I'm happening.
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Michael Steadman : Oh, I need these posters. You didn't want them on 21st Street. So I remember packing them with the extra copies of "The People's Flame".
Hope Murdoch Steadman : [sarcastically to Janey] I'm so glad we kept the extra copies of "The People's Flame".
Michael Steadman : When was the last time you considered the need for artistic expression by the downtrodden workers?
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I was discussing that with Janey, right after "Mister Rogers".
Michael Steadman : See, you have no recollection of these posters, and you have no sense of history. You're just a running-dog lackey of the imperialist warmongers.
[finding what he's looking for]
Michael Steadman : Ha. Here they are. Look at this.
[unfurling a promotional concert poster]
Michael Steadman : Wait a second. Wait a second. Where are the others? I had a whole set. What did you do with the others? Look, all I have is a Jefferson Airplane? No. I mean, I had Hendrix. I had... I had two Hendrixes. I had Joplin. I had Moby Grape. Now where are they?
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I didn't do anything with them.
Michael Steadman : [groaning sigh] It is this house. It eats things.
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Melissa Steadman : Who's coming to this extravaganza, anyway?
Michael Steadman : You know who's gonna be there. Acquaintances. All the people you say you're gonna get together with and never do. All the people that had you to some horrible dinner, and now you owe them but you don't want to see them alone. All the people that are cooler than you, and wish you they would be your friends, so you invite them over and hope that they'll invite you back. Acquaintances.
Melissa Steadman : Name names.
Michael Steadman : Tony Valani, Ray Godshaw, Jerry Stahl, Marcy Madelman, Linda Louwe.
Melissa Steadman : I don't even know these people and they're boring.
Michael Steadman : So don't come. Save me six dollars in hors d'oeuvres.
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Michael Steadman : We used to do this.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I know. All the time.
Michael Steadman : Mm. We should still do it all the time.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I'm ready.
Michael Steadman : Oh, we'll probably do it again. All the time, I mean.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I think we will.
Michael Steadman : Well, that's really neat. I mean, I think you're okay. I don't mind you too much. I could stick around here for a while.
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Michael Steadman : We cannot afford the stage.
Elliot Weston : We cannot not afford the stage.
Michael Steadman : What are you... what do I do? You have no basis on which to judge, so you decide.
Gary Shepherd : I think you should get out of this business. You're selling things to people who don't need 'em, can't afford 'em, and are too stupid to realize they shouldn't want 'em.
Elliot Weston : Exactly. And should we rent the stage to do it in?
Michael Steadman : You know, you are a jerk, Shepherd. 25% of the work we do happens to be pro bono for all kinds of nonprofit organizations, and good causes and other non-toxic things.
Elliot Weston : And we really only do it so people will see our work and like it and hire us to do real work, which is sell things to people who don't need them.
Michael Steadman : Okay. Go away and let me figure this out.
Elliot Weston : Mike, what's the bottom line here? Right? The business goes under, and we lose our houses. Which, in my case, is no big deal since I hate my house, and in your case, serves you right for getting a nice house to begin with.
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Janine : Uh, it's 3:00.
Elliot Weston : And?
Janine : The Kramer brothers are here. Back at the office, waiting.
Michael Steadman : We have a 3:00 appointment with the Kramer brothers? Since when?
Janine : Since Monday. I told you.
Michael Steadman : Janine.
Janine : I didn't tell you.
Elliot Weston : Janine.
Janine : Well, I meant to tell you. Doesn't that count?
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Michael Steadman : You sure this is big enough?
Elliot Weston : I see rice paddies. I see helicopters in the distance. I see Meryl Streep as the simple peasant girl. "You American, soldier? You buy my baskets?"
Michael Steadman : Elliot... Elliot, you could shoot "Lawrence of Arabia" in here. We're doing a local TV spot for an onion dicer.
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Michael Steadman : What we're saying is we cover this disgusting wall stuff with cheap new wallboard, throw some paint on it. I'm not upset.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : You're not?
Michael Steadman : No, I'm depressed.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : About wallboard?
Michael Steadman : No, I'm upset about wallboard. I'm depressed about the impossibility of ever having anything in your life exactly the way it's supposed to be.
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Michael Steadman : We moved into this house in November. We are still in boxes.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : So, let's unpack.
Michael Steadman : We can't unpack until we finish this wall.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : So, finish the wall.
Michael Steadman : We can't finish the wall 'til we figure out what we're gonna do with the room.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : So figure out what you're gonna do with the room.
Michael Steadman : Okay. You know what we're gonna have to do, because let's face it, we are never gonna do it until something forces us to.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I don't think I want to hear this.
Michael Steadman : What we need is something that makes us so humiliated and ashamed that it forces us to get it in shape.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : I am not hearing this.
Michael Steadman : It doesn't have to be big. I swear to you.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : You want to have the "H" word?
Michael Steadman : What? Just an informal gathering of our 600 closest friends.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Okay, I can do this. I mean, people expect that when you move into a house, you're gonna have a housewarming party. Honey, it's just that I thought that we could wait until Janey was old enough to...
Michael Steadman : Pay for it?
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Michael Steadman : $5,346 for a breakfast room? Is this guy out of his mind?
Melissa Steadman : [trying to be helpful] Sell the baby.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : We've waited this long. We can wait $5,000 longer.
Melissa Steadman : Mikey's moping.
Michael Steadman : I'm not moping. I'm sulking.
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Melissa Steadman : Mikey, why are you getting so worried? Think about Grandpa Morrie. He never worried. He lived his life. He didn't take any crap from anybody.
Michael Steadman : Right. He was full of wisdom, which was very useful for people living in Kiev in 1912.
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Hope Murdoch Steadman : What is going on?
Michael Steadman : I'm making decisions. I rented the space. I'm in over my head. I'm a terrible person.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Michael, you know what I think? I think this is boring. I mean, you want me to comfort and baby you and make everything all right, only I don't see what it is that's wrong. I mean, what is it exactly that you're upset about? You're upset because your business is doing well and you have to rent a space so you can film a commercial. You're upset because you're spending a lot of money, which you've earned, on a house which you love so you can fix it up in a certain way and have a big party and show it off. I mean, you could upset because Janey's healthy. How about the fact that we have enough food to eat? That's very upsetting.
Michael Steadman : Don't forget about Jerry Stahl.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Exactly! Here's a guy I had an affair with eight years ago, and you're upset, even though you're the one that I'm with now and forever until the end of time. I mean, what is it about you that makes it so impossible for you to enjoy the things you have?
Michael Steadman : Because I might lose them?
Hope Murdoch Steadman : So, you pretend that you don't have them rather than risk that?
Michael Steadman : What about the Cossacks?
Hope Murdoch Steadman : You're right. Armed men could swoop down at any moment, and everything that you have or hold dear could be instantly taken away. But then again, that might not happen. And wouldn't you feel foolish having waited around all that time?
Michael Steadman : You can't tell me that bad things don't happen.
Hope Murdoch Steadman : Oh, Michael. I love you so much, but you're such a pain in the butt. Yes, bad things happen. But not as punishment for the good things. Can you see that it's not the end of the world if you enjoy yourself just a little bit?