Yes Minister (TV Series)
The Skeleton in the Cupboard (1982)
Nigel Hawthorne: Sir Humphrey Appleby
Photos
Quotes
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Sir Humphrey Appleby : The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume, but, not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.
James Hacker : I beg your pardon?
Sir Humphrey Appleby : It was... I.
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[last lines]
James Hacker : How am I going to explain the missing documents to "The Mail"?
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Well, this is what we normally do in circumstnces like these.
James Hacker : [reads memo] This file contains the complete set of papers, except for a number of secret documents, a few others which are part of still active files, some correspondence lost in the floods of 1967...
James Hacker : Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?
Sir Humphrey Appleby : No, a marvellous winter. We lost no end of embarrassing files.
James Hacker : [reads] Some records which went astray in the move to London and others when the War Office was incorporated in the Ministry of Defence, and the normal withdrawal of papers whose publication could give grounds for an action for libel or breach of confidence or cause embarrassment to friendly governments.
James Hacker : That's pretty comprehensive. How many does that normally leave for them to look at?
James Hacker : How many does it actually leave? About a hundred?... Fifty?... Ten?... Five?... Four?... Three?... Two?... One?... *Zero?*
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Yes, Minister.
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Sir Humphrey Appleby : If local authorities don't send us the statistics that we ask for, then government figures will be a nonsense.
James Hacker : Why?
Sir Humphrey Appleby : They will be incomplete.
James Hacker : But government figures are a nonsense anyway.
Bernard Woolley : I think Sir Humphrey want to ensure they are a complete nonsense.
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Sir Humphrey Appleby : Administration is eternal.
Bernard Woolley : Forever and ever.
Sir Humphrey Appleby , Bernard Woolley : Amen.
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Bernard Woolley : [on the phone] Hello, Graham, it's Bernard. Tell Sir Humphrey that the Minister's just gone walkabout. Yes, yes, AWOL. Well, of course I told him, yes. I know. I think you'd better let him know right away.
[hangs up]
Bernard Woolley : One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... TEN.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : [arrives at the office] What's all this about?
Bernard Woolley : The minister's just left the office, that's all.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : That's all? Do you mean he's loose in the building? Why didn't you warn me?
Bernard Woolley : I did advise him, but he is the minister. There's no prohibition aga inst ministers talking to their staff.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Who's he talking to?
Bernard Woolley : Perhaps he was just restless.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : If the minister's restless, he can feed the ducks in St James's Park!
Bernard Woolley : Yes, Sir Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Tell me who the minister's talking to.
Bernard Woolley : Well, surely the minister can talk to anyone.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Bernard... I'm in the middle of writing your annual report. Now, it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge whilst I am in a bad temper. Who's the minister talking to?
Bernard Woolley : Perhaps you could help me. I can see that you should know if he calls on an outsider. I fail to see why you should be informed if he just wants to, to take a hypothetical example, to check a point with... Dr Cartwright...
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Thank you, Bernard. Must fly.
Bernard Woolley : Room 4017.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : I know.
