- Greg Proops: [in "Let's Make a Date"] Bachelor number one, I like the differences between men and, like, women. And...
- Wayne Brady: [playing Michael Jackson] Huh? There's a difference?
- Drew Carey: A lot of people have been asking, uh, and let me tell you: The only difference between our cast and the cast of "Friends" is, that the cast of "Friends" is richer, better-looking, and more popular. Other than that, no difference at all.
- Ryan Stiles: [after "Party Quirks", where his quirk was "Series of delivery guys in porn films"] I had to just think, what that'd be like, 'cause I've never, uh...
- [Colin laughs sarcastically]
- Greg Proops: [in "Funeral", about Joe who died tragically in a fishing accident] Little Billy, you were with Joe when he passed on that day. You were in the boat with him.
- [Ryan pretends to cry; audience awws]
- Greg Proops: Would you like to share something with us today, Billy? You can hear the sympathetic voices.
- Ryan Stiles: I was in the boat that day.
- Greg Proops: Yes.
- Ryan Stiles: I feel partly responsible for Joe's death. I actually saved him, but as you know, Joe's a small man, I threw him back.
- [pretends to cry]
- Ryan Stiles: I had him right there in my hands and I threw him back. I didn't even measure him, he might've been okay, I don't know.
- Greg Proops: That's all right. You, you mustn't...
- Ryan Stiles: It's the law!
- Colin Mochrie, Greg Proops, Ryan Stiles: [in "Funeral", all singing at the same time] Here, lies, Joe. / Why, did, he, go? / Fishing was his life, / Now I sleep with his wife!
- Drew Carey: [after "Let's Make a Date"] Man, I'd like to give a thousand points to Colin Mochrie for puttin' up with the bald jokes.
- [Colin waves; audience applauds]
- Drew Carey: A thousand points to you, Colin. Way to go, baldy! Hey, another thousand points, how about that. Good for you, chrome dome! Hey, another thousand points, how about that.
- Greg Proops: Can we watch movies on his head later?
- Drew Carey: Another thousand points! Hey, how about that.
- Greg Proops: I'm joking!
- Drew Carey: That's not a forehead, it's a fivehead! Another thousand points!