- Ahdab: I have some coffee for you here, master.
- Shah Mashiq Rassim: You just poured it over my face!
- Ahdab: A hundred and sixty apologies, Scott of the Antarctic.
- Shah Mashiq Rassim: When are you going to take that bloody blindfold off?
- Ahdab: But master; if I were to even glimpse on your holy countenance I would have to pluck out my eyes with sugar tongs.
- Shah Mashiq Rassim: And another thing.
- Ahdab: Sir?
- Shah Mashiq Rassim: Scott of the Antarctic was a film starring Kenneth More. Oh, Ahdab, if only you hadn't lost those sea sickness pills. Now there is no relief!
- Ahdab: You are wrong, master.
- Shah Mashiq Rassim: Really?
- Ahdab: It starred John Mills, not Kenneth More.
- The Deacon: [on The Johnny Cyclops bomb] Mr. President, these complaints are a bit too late. It's being launched tomorrow.
- President Johnny Cyclops: What?
- Melvin Hickey: Sir, he means it's launched at a press conference, not actually launched at Russia.
- President Johnny Cyclops: Oh.
- The Deacon: Unless you...
- President Johnny Cyclops: No! No!
- [on the Quark Bomb]
- President Johnny Cyclops: My God, if one of those went off, it would destroy an entire State.
- The Deacon: Yes, sir, that's why we are basing it in Europe.
- [the Johnny Cyclops campaign song]
- Biff: Raised on a mountain in Omaha / Went to the mission where he played his guitar/ Always took his hat off when he spoke to his ma / Once gave a nigger kid a lift in his car. Johnny, Johnny Cyclops never started world war three. Who fiddled his tax returns and laughed at the law/ Who organised a cover up in 1954 / Who spent in bed a week and day with a whore / Not Johnny Cyclops, that's for sure. Johnny, Johnny Cyclops / never started world war three / Master of diplomacy he never fails to act/ Keeps his cool under pressure, never, ever cracks/ Always scares the shit out of the Warsaw Pact / Johnny, Johnny Cyclops / Never started world war three!
- President Johnny Cyclops: [shell-shocked] They killed the Shah. They blew him into a thousand pieces. Do you think maybe they can operate?
- The Deacon: Sir, the CIA detonated that boat by remote control. We feared that Saudi troops may have tried to assassinate the Shah, so to ensure his safety we had to make them think he was dead.
- President Johnny Cyclops: Oh, I see. Everyone thinks the Shah is dead... and in fact he his. Sounds foolproof.
- President Johnny Cyclops: I just don't feel comfortable with the most deadly weapon of mass destruction ever invented being called the Johnny Cyclops Bomb.
- Melvin Hickey: But Mr. President, Biff liked it. Right, Biff?
- Biff: The Johnny Cyclops bomb... it... grabs me!
- Melvin Hickey: Sir, it grabs Biff!
- Premier Dubienkin: Do not think for one moment that that is the only steak in the whole Soviet Union. There are dozens of steaks just like that one. Literally dozens.