- President Josiah Bartlet: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Yes, it does. Leviticus.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important 'cause we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: While you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.
- President Josiah Bartlet: I'm sorry. Uh, you're Dr. Jenna Jacobs, right?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Yes, Sir.
- President Josiah Bartlet: It's good to have you here.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Thank you.
- President Josiah Bartlet: The awesome impact of the airwaves and how that translates into the furthering of our national discussions, but also obviously how it can... Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: A Ph.D.
- President Josiah Bartlet: A Ph.D.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Yes, Sir.
- President Josiah Bartlet: In psychology?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: No, Sir.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Theology?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: No.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Social work?
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I have a Ph.D. in English literature.
- President Josiah Bartlet: I'm asking 'cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go by the name Dr. Jacobs on your show, and I didn't know if maybe your listeners were confused by that and assumed you had advanced training in psychology, theology or health care.
- Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't believe they are confused. No, Sir.
- Josh Lyman: The House stayed the same? After four months and 400 million dollars, everything stayed the same.
- Sam Seaborn: Yup.
- Josh Lyman: Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?
- Toby Ziegler: God bless America.
- President Josiah Bartlet: I don't need to wait another week.
- Leo McGarry: Sir, let's play a game of "Who Do You Think I'm Going to Agree With?" Fourteen doctors say you should wait another week before assuming a campaign schedule. Who do you think I'm going to agree with?
- President Josiah Bartlet: Get away from me.
- Leo McGarry: Yes, sir.
- Donna Moss: I'm perfectly serious, Toby: he's recovering from an attempted murder, he's supposed to be resting, and I don't want people going over there, getting him fetushed.
- Toby Ziegler: Fetushed. Don't bring the Yiddish unless you know what you're doing.
- Donna Moss: You know what word should be Yiddish but isn't?
- Toby Ziegler: Donna...
- Donna Moss: Spatula.
- Toby Ziegler: Thank you.
- Donna Moss: Also farfetched.
- Josh Lyman: Hey, Leo, you know there's something called the superstring theory, which at its most basic level says that the universe consists of these tiny loops of string that vibrate at different frequencies.
- Leo McGarry: How did that bullet not kill you?
- Josh Lyman: Just lucky, I guess.
- President Josiah Bartlet: And can you believe I'm on hold?
- C.J. Cregg: You're not, sir. You finished the call.
- President Josiah Bartlet: I did?
- C.J. Cregg: Yes, sir.
- President Josiah Bartlet: How'd it go?
- C.J. Cregg: Very well.
- President Josiah Bartlet: [addressing a radio personality party in the White House, entering room to applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. I wish I could spend more than a few minutes with you, but the polls don't close in the east for another hour, and there are plenty of election results still left to falsify.
- [everyone laughs]
- C.J. Cregg: ...and as a special treat for our friend, Josh Lyman, who's recovering very nicely at G.W., the President's science advisor is telling us that psychics at Caltech and the Fermi National Accelerator Lab
- [Lyman is shown pounding his head against the headboard of his hospital bed]
- C.J. Cregg: ... you know, I'm pretty sure that was supposed to be "physicists"...
- Toby Ziegler: Why does it feel like this? I've seen shootings before.
- President Josiah Bartlet: It wasn't a shooting, Toby. It was a lynching. They tried to lynch Charlie right in front of us, can you believe that?
- President Josiah Bartlet: Anybody know what the word "acalculia" means?
- Sam Seaborn: It's an inability to perform arithmetic functions. I'm sorry, Mr. President; you wanted to answer your own question, didn't you?
- President Josiah Bartlet: Yeah, but I'll get over it.
- Sam Seaborn: Good for you, sir, that's very mature.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Shut up.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Now, you don't take these people seriously 'cause they don't get anywhere nationally, but they don't have to. All they have to do is bit by little bit, get themselves on the boards of education and city councils; 'cause that's where all the governing that really matters to anybody really happens.
- C.J. Cregg: We do a little governing here, Mr. President.
- Sam Seaborn: Grant Samuels died.
- C.J. Cregg: Really?
- Sam Seaborn: Yes.
- C.J. Cregg: He really died this time?
- Sam Seaborn: Yeah.
- C.J. Cregg: 'Cause last time you told me he was dead, he wasn't.
- Sam Seaborn: He's dead this time.
- C.J. Cregg: Somebody poked him a little to see if...
- Sam Seaborn: He died, CJ!
- C.J. Cregg: Well, okay, then I shouldn't have made a joke.
- Sam Seaborn: [wavering] I'm almost certain he's dead.
- C.J. Cregg: Sam!
- Sam Seaborn: I was making a joke, too - what, you work alone?
- Charlie Young: Zoey and I are going out. I'll be on my pager.
- Leo McGarry: You're going out?
- Charlie Young: Yeah.
- Leo McGarry: Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?
- Charlie Young: [taken aback] Hey, Leo, I...
- Leo McGarry: Secret Service protection, Charlie, but thanks for loading me up with that image.
- Charlie Young: Yeah, we'll have extra protection.
- Josh Lyman: [on speaker phone from his hospital bed] It's called the Theory of Everything.
- C.J. Cregg: The Theory of Everything?
- Josh Lyman: Yes.
- C.J. Cregg: Is it comprehensive?
- Josh Lyman: CJ...
- C.J. Cregg: That was a joke there, pal o' mine.
- Tom Jordan: Sam, this is my wife, Sarah.
- Sarah Jordan: Hi!
- Sam Seaborn: It's nice to meet you. You got married!
- Tom Jordan: Two years. With a baby on the way.
- Sam Seaborn: [to Sara] Is it his?
- C.J. Cregg: I think you're Director of Operations and you're neglecting your responsibilities...
- Toby Ziegler: That's crap.
- C.J. Cregg: So you can behave like the director of the FBI.
- Toby Ziegler: I'm waiting for the director of the FBI to behave that way. I'm waiting for the Justice Department to behave that way. I'm waiting for Congress to behave that way. I'm waiting for Congress to behave that way. I'm waiting for the White House to behave that way!
- C.J. Cregg: You want to lock up everybody with a white sheet?
- Toby Ziegler: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Who has a problem with that? Bring them to me right now. Yes, I do!
- C.J. Cregg: You're pissed at me?
- Toby Ziegler: I'm saying, I could've used your support in there.
- C.J. Cregg: You get my support the same way I get yours: when I agree with what you're saying or when I don't care about what you're saying. This time I disagreed.
- Sam Seaborn: When asked whose approach on important national problems do you think is generally best, President Bartlet or the Republican leaders of Congress, Bartlet gets 61 percent.
- President Josiah Bartlet: Well, 19 percent of the country has clearly made up their minds about me, 20 percent just feels sorry for me. This is what you want if you're the leader of the free world.