The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)
Summer (2000)
Roger Lloyd Pack: Owen Newitt
Photos
Quotes
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Owen Newitt : [brainstorming on how to save Dibley from being replaced by a reservoir] I've had another superb idea, Vicar... With this one there's an absolute minimum of sickening violence... We get Dibley classified as a site of natural environmental importance.
Geraldine Granger : [sceptical] Right, how do we do that?
Owen Newitt : We find a species of animal that isn't found anywhere else in the world.
Geraldine Granger : I think finding a new animal in Dibley is about as likely as finding intellectual life on Ibiza.
Owen Newitt : That's just where you're wrong, Vicar. Dibley could be, for instance, the only place on earth with a genuine, 3-legged cow.
Geraldine Granger : [amazed] You've managed to breed a 3-legged cow?
Owen Newitt : I'm very close. I've got a 4-legged cow and a sharp axe. That's where the small amount of sickening violence comes in.
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Owen Newitt : [walking into the parish hall] Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning, and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.
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David Horton : Any ideas for the millennium statue?
Geraldine Granger : Ooh, goodie, I've been looking forward to this. Glorious Dibley in all her glorious glory. Who's gonna go first?
Owen Newitt : Ah, me. When you said famous people from Dibley's past, does that include murderers?
Geraldine Granger : Well, I'd rather it wasn't a murderer, if that's all right with you, Owen.
Owen Newitt : Right. Well, that's my family out, then.
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Jim Trott : [Bringing in a clipboard with a petition] I've got 500 this afternoon.
Geraldine Granger : That's fantastic! All opposed to the reservoir?
Jim Trott : No no no no, they didn't give a toss for the reservoir, but I asked them to sign if they thought that Claudia Schiffer should get her tits out more often.
Geraldine Granger : Right.
[Looks through the signatures]
Geraldine Granger : I see you've managed to sign it 10 times, Owen.
Owen Newitt : It's a cause I feel very passionately about.
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David Horton : Vicar, much as I applaud your efforts, I fear we have to accept the compensation the water company offer us, however derisory that is.
[Geraldine sighs]
Hugo Horton : Oh, I thought they offered you 4 million pounds?
Jim Trott , Frank Pickle , Owen Newitt : [Shocked] What?
David Horton : Yes, well... um... do you think I'm happy about that?
Hugo Horton : Well... you were dancing around the rose garden singing.
David Horton : [Warningly] Hugo.
Hugo Horton : [singing and dancing] Money money money; Must be funny...
Owen Newitt : You treacherous git! You'd sacrifice this village for your own personal greed - have you no respect for tradition?
Geraldine Granger : Well said, Owen!
Owen Newitt : For centuries my family's been massacring deer, staging cockfights and gassing foxes in this valley, and we don't intend stopping now!
Geraldine Granger : *Less* well said, Owen!
David Horton : [Showing Owen a notebook] Incidentally, this is what you'd be getting for your farm, by the way.
[Owen's eyes widen]
Owen Newitt : [sings and dances] Who wants to be a millionaire?
[High pitched]
Owen Newitt : I do!
[Speaking]
Owen Newitt : You're right, Dave - Dibley's a dump!
Geraldine Granger : Oh, for goodness sakes, Owen! There are people here who don't own their own properties.
[Indicates Jim and Frank]
Geraldine Granger : You know, they won't get any compensation at all.
Owen Newitt : Well, sod 'em! *Now* will you sleep with me? I can pay you big time, babe!
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[At a Council meeting, everyone is looking unkempt due to not having been able to wash or shave because of the drought]
David Horton : We'll try to keep this meeting short as the smell really is intolerable.
Geraldine Granger : [Fanning herself] Has one of us actually died and not realised?
Jim Trott : I-I like having a beard. You keep finding bits of dinner in it. I-I can make a meal last an entire evening.
[Picks something out of his beard]
Jim Trott : Delicious... interestimg combinations.
[Eats it]
Jim Trott : Rhubarb... and grilled fish.
[Owen enters]
Owen Newitt : Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.
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Owen Newitt : Or we could discover the world's only short-nosed badger. All it would take is a long-nosed badger and a big pair of secateurs.