- Theresa Greco: So, you help me out of all this, and all I owe you is a million dollars?
- Chapel: Sorta like that.
- Theresa Greco: Do you take food stamps?
- Chapel: No. But I have a prudent buyer's plan.
- Theresa Greco: Which is?
- Chapel: Some day you owe me a favor.
- Theresa Greco: A million dollars or a favor. Yeah, well, I saw that movie and I'm really flattered...
- Chapel: That's not what I meant.
- [after Chapel returns a woman's earring]
- Theresa Greco: What did you need it for?
- Chapel: You can use those to pick locks.
- Theresa Greco: Where'd you learn that?
- Chapel: My mom. She was very handy.
- [IRS agent Gifford Marshall attempts to subdue Mr. Chapel and ends up on the floor holding his knee, writhing in pain]
- Chapel: Don't worry about that. It'll be okay in a couple of months. It's amazing what they can do with plastic nowadays.
- Chapel: I walked into a bar one time, and I bumped into a guy. He pulled a gun on me. And I said, "Hey, I'm sorry." And he said, "You know, if you let one person bump you, pretty soon everyone's going to start bumping you."
- Theresa Greco: So what happened?
- Chapel: Well, he has a new shoulder now. It's amazing what they can do with plastic. Anyway, my point is that some kids don't know how to play with others, so you just...
- KC: ...have to give them a new shoulder.
- Chapel: Well, yeah, there you go.
- Gifford Marshall: This is an official IRS investigation. What's your name?
- Chapel: I'm Gumby, dammit.
- Otto Carson: Mr. Chapel, I don't, ah, want to get emotional about this, but I think this is important that you know: the Internal Revenue Service is thee least corrupt, most efficient tax gathering organization in the world.
- Chapel: Take it easy, Otto - I'm... getting all misty.