- Tiffany Malloy: [opens letter, gives victorious laugh] Oh, yes, yes! God, yes!
- Amber Moss: That's not bad, but, uhm, guys like it if you yell their name in there somewhere.
- Tiffany Malloy: Amber, this is not a man. I was just *accepted to Harvard!*
- [laughs happily]
- Tiffany Malloy: Who can I hurt the most with this news?
- [just then, in sails Sable]
- Tiffany Malloy: Hey, Sable! Where are you going to college?
- Sable O'Brien: [proudly] Stanford.
- Tiffany Malloy: Ah, yes, Stanford. A decent little West Coast school. By the way, I'm going to Harvard.
- [beams bright smile]
- Sable O'Brien: [throws big tantrum] Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
- Ryan Malloy: [consoles sobbing girl] Ah, there, there, there! There, I know how to make you relax. I'm - I'm gonna sing you a song. It always works for me when I was little, okay?
- [Sable's still sobbing, and he starts singing:]
- Ryan Malloy: Hush, little baby, don't you cry, Poppa's gonna buy you a pizza pie...
- [and he starts snoring, suspiciously with his head on her bosom]
- Sable O'Brien: [dismayed by the big baby] Uh, can somebody take this?
- [Ryan is pretending to be asleep in between laughing, his head cradled heavenly]
- Tiffany Malloy: [to big shot movie producer Ryan] That's it, I quit! You are dumber and far less competent than me, yet you are my boss! I guess this is an excellent introduction to Hollywood.
- Tiffany Malloy: Mom! Dad!
- [with irony:]
- Tiffany Malloy: How odd to see you both here during the day. Great news! I just got accepted to Harvard! And all it's gonna cost for the first year is $28 000!
- Jennie Malloy: Whoo! That is gonna be one heck of a summer job!
- Tiffany Malloy: [laughs] I'm not gonna get a job, I'm not an *orphan*.
- [chuckles]
- Tiffany Malloy: You have the money, don't you, Daddy?
- Jack Malloy: Of course!
- [as if anybody watching would believe that]
- Tiffany Malloy: Of course!
- [he laughs a big fatherly laugh, and she hugs him]
- Tiffany Malloy: Oh, I love you, Daddy! Oh, and Mommy...!
- [goes over to Jennie]
- Tiffany Malloy: Mommy, I love Daddy!
- [runs off]
- Jennie Malloy: [mocks] "I love Daddy I love Daddy!"
- [to Jack:]
- Jennie Malloy: Yeah, I'd love you too if I thought you had $28 000!
- Tiffany Malloy: Ah, Mr. Monteleone, you preening asexual B-minus-giving power-mongering rum-soaked excuse for an English teacher, suck on this: I'm going to Harvard!
- Mr. Monteleone: Ah, how wonderful! The most elite school in this nation! Thanks to my teaching, you'll be woefully unprepared! Further which, Harvard costs $28 000 a year! Your father couldn't make that much money in a lifetime! See you at Burger King, Miss Malloy! I can't wait to make you "hold the pickles!"