- Alan Harper: [Charlie is injured and is only thinking about nailing his hot doctor] You're unbelievable! Does your penis have an off switch? Pause button?
- Charlie Harper: No. Just a little freckle.
- Charlie Harper: You know the difference between you and me?
- Alan Harper: Yeah. I have a functioning liver, and somehow you're gonna get laid tonight.
- Charlie Harper: [in pain on the examination table] Oh, God! Oh, jeez!
- Alan Harper: [Browsing through an old magazine] Hey, guess what? The Soviet Union is boycotting the Olympics.
- Charlie Harper: My pain is just a big joke to you, isn't it?
- Alan Harper: I offered to help you and you refused, so... yeah.
- Dr. Michelle Talmadge: Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.
- Charlie Harper: [sits up on examination table] Hellooooo, Doctor!
- Alan Harper: Hallelujah, it's a miracle.
- Charlie Harper: [Charlie's in great pain after throwing his back out, and initially asks Alan to help him] New plan. I need someone who can give me drugs.
- Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls.
- Alan Harper: Drugs just mask the problem.
- Charlie Harper: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it, let it fight crime... I just want it to go away!