Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover (2005)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mrs. Schmidt : What the hell is wrong with you?

  Alan Harper : I don't know...

  [pause] 

  Alan Harper : I was a bottle baby.

• Charlie Harper : ["babysitting" Alan's office for a few hours]  Don't worry about a thing. It's under control. You can count on me.

  Alan Harper : Oh, if I could believe even one of those things.

• Alan Harper : The office opens at eight.

  Charlie Harper : [shocked]  O'clock?

  Alan Harper : [sarcastically]  No, degrees.

• Mr. Malinkovich : Doc, how many more adjustments do you think I'm gonna need?

  Alan Harper : Well, Mr. Malinkovich... um, let's see. My son won't graduate college 'til 2015, so... a lot.

• Alan Harper : There is no one more sympathetic than I, to the plight of the large-breasted woman!

• Alan Harper : [mad at Charlie for not answering his phone when Alan was calling for help]  I just have to accept the fact that I... I can't count on anyone. Least of all, an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum and only cares about what lies between the two!