Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? (2005)

Conchata Ferrell: Berta

Quotes 

• Berta : I'm going home.

  Charlie Harper : I suppose you want me to pay you.

  Berta : Not necessary. I took the money out of your wallet.

  Charlie Harper : Fine.

  Berta : Guess what? I got a raise.

  Charlie Harper : Congratulations.

  Berta : You want to know why I got a raise?

  Charlie Harper : No. I'm sure I had my reasons.

  Berta : Because when I took this job, all I had to do was clean up after *you*. And while that may have been disgusting, it was do-able. And then your brother moved in, which I accepted with my usual good humor because he cleans up after himself like a... neurotic raccoon.

  Charlie Harper : This is about the kid, right?

  Berta : Good for you! That's why you're the boss.

  Charlie Harper : He's just here for a week. It's a temporary situation.

  Berta : And yet, my raise is permanent.

• Berta : [to Alan and Charlie]  Show of hands. Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a get-away car?

• Berta : [to Alan and Charlie]  Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I have three busses to catch.

  Charlie Harper : [as soon as Berta leaves]  I'll bet she catches 'em by hand.