Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? (2005)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Alan Harper : [shouting on the phone]  Do you just get up in the morning and figure out ways to make me crazy? Is that what you do? You, you plot it out? "How can I make Alan miserable today? How can I reach into his chest, *rip* out his heart and suck it dry?"

  Charlie Harper : Mom, or ex-wife?

  Alan Harper : [hand over phone]  Ex-wife.

  Charlie Harper : Hi, Judith!

  Alan Harper : Charlie says, "Hello".

  Alan Harper : She says, "Hi".

  [shouting again] 

  Alan Harper : You're evil and selfish, you know that? No! No! No, I, I think that *is* a helpful comment! I pay you alimony and child support so that you can have a nice house, a nice car and every weekend free because I've got Jake! And yet, you're telling me that *you* need a *vacation*! Oh, really? Oh, really. And what, exactly, is stressing you out, Judith? It is the weekly manicure? The housekeeper?

  Charlie Harper : The boob lift.

  Alan Harper : [phone]  The boob lift?

  Charlie Harper : That you paid for.

  Alan Harper : [phone]  That I paid for!

  Charlie Harper : And never got to see.

  Alan Harper : [phone]  And never got to see! No! No! No, you listen to me! I think you lead a damn fine lifestyle that I work sixty hours a week to support! So, if anybody needs a vacation, it's not you, it's me! Alright then! Good-bye.

  Alan Harper : [to Charlie]  Um, Judith's going to Hawaii for a week, so Jake's staying here.

  Charlie Harper : [sarcastically]  I'm shocked.

• Charlie Harper : [to Jake, after smoothing his hair down with spit]  One man's saliva is another man's mousse, so shut up!

• Alan Harper : Please, I really need your help.

  Charlie Harper : Then you're headed for disappointment.

• Berta : I'm going home.

  Charlie Harper : I suppose you want me to pay you.

  Berta : Not necessary. I took the money out of your wallet.

  Charlie Harper : Fine.

  Berta : Guess what? I got a raise.

  Charlie Harper : Congratulations.

  Berta : You want to know why I got a raise?

  Charlie Harper : No. I'm sure I had my reasons.

  Berta : Because when I took this job, all I had to do was clean up after *you*. And while that may have been disgusting, it was do-able. And then your brother moved in, which I accepted with my usual good humor because he cleans up after himself like a... neurotic raccoon.

  Charlie Harper : This is about the kid, right?

  Berta : Good for you! That's why you're the boss.

  Charlie Harper : He's just here for a week. It's a temporary situation.

  Berta : And yet, my raise is permanent.

• Berta : [to Alan and Charlie]  Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I have three busses to catch.

  Charlie Harper : [as soon as Berta leaves]  I'll bet she catches 'em by hand.