- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.
- Christopher Titus: Every man remembers the day he left the nest and went out on his own. Actually, I don't because I was wasted!
- Nurse Kathy: You guys are being so nice, and since I'm going to be a part of your father's life, which makes me part of your life, I hope I can give you what your other mothers couldn't.
- Christopher Titus: [cut to the Neutral Space] Kathy will be my sixth mother, which means "Here comes the 'I-hope-I-can-give-you-what-your-other-mothers-couldn't' speech."
- [pause]
- Christopher Titus: Okay, Kathy...
- [holds up wooden Viking shield]
- Christopher Titus: ... show me what you got!
- Nurse Kathy: [back to reality] I want you to know I'm on your side.
- Christopher Titus: [back to Neutral Space] She's on my side...
- [arrow flies in from offscreen and Titus ducks behind the shield as the arrow hits the top portion]
- Christopher Titus: Ooohhhh... worked for stepmom #2 and 4, not today!
- Nurse Kathy: [back to reality] I know I can't be your mom, but I'd like to be your friend...
- Christopher Titus: [back to Neutral Space] She can't be my mom, but she'd like to be my friend.
- [arrow hits the bottom portion of the shield]
- Christopher Titus: Oooohhhh... my real mom said that.
- Nurse Kathy: [back to reality] ... because you are such an upstanding young man. At least that's what your dad says.
- Christopher Titus: What?
- [back to the Neutral Space]
- Christopher Titus: Dad said that?
- [lowers sheidl, arrow hits him in the chest]
- Ken Titus: Kat, let me get something straight. You tricked my boys into moving Dave's stuff out and your stuff in, and then you told them I was proud of them?
- Nurse Kathy: Yes, Kenny, I did.
- [pause]
- Ken Titus: You are my best friend.
- [to the others]
- Ken Titus: Surprise!
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party.
- [excited]
- Christopher Titus: For me ? I had no idea.
- [back to normal]
- Christopher Titus: And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.