- [Tommy is lying on Titus's porch]
- Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
- Tommy Shafter: [from the porch] I'm not gay!
- Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt!
- Tommy Shafter: What's that behind your ear? It's a nickel!
- [produces a nickel]
- Amy: What's that behind your ear?
- [slaps Tommy in the face]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Okay, young lady you're getting a time out. Now you just stand over there for three minutes and think about what you've done. Okay now you've got ten. I can stand here all day I got nothing but time.
- Amy: I believe the term for that is unemployed.
- Amy: You people are pathetic, ya know, do the world a favor and don't have kids. I'm outta here, losers!
- [turns to face Tommy]
- Tommy Shafter: Hi!
- [zaps Amy with her taser]
- Tommy Shafter: And the nickel wasn't really behind your ear!
- [having caught Amy after she tried to escape from the Titus house]
- Ken Titus: She's carrying a giant bag of Maui Wowie.
- Amy Fitzpatrick: [dismissively] It's Red Sensei.
- Ken Titus: Is that like Acapulco gold?
- Amy Fitzpatrick: Ooh, grandpa weed. Were you at Woodstock? Quit drooling, oldie.
- [Titus and Erin try to decide what to do with Amy's pot stash]
- Dave Scouvel: You will give me the marijuana, and I will destroy it. Joint by joint.
- [Titus slaps Dave's head]
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: All parents suck. There's not a good one out there. Not one. You people watching right now... if you were good parents you would turn this television off, you would grab a book, and you would read to you children.
- [waits]
- Christopher Titus: See, couldn't do it, could ya.
- Tommy Shafter: It's Amy! Well, well someone's turning into a woman.
- Amy Fitzpatrick: Yeah, and I'm looking at her!
- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: All parents suck. And there's not a good one out there. Not one. Except my dad. He's got a special way with children.
- [watches flashback]
- Christopher Titus: Some kids learn faster than others.