That '70s Show (TV Series)

Christmas (2003)

Paul Butcher: Young Boy #2

Quotes 

• Reginald "Red" Forman : This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.

  Bob Pinciotti : Tell ya what. You name five reindeer and I'll step down.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass!

  Kitty Forman : [annoyed]  Oh, for goodness sake! Why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it "Assmas"?

  Bob Pinciotti : [gets up, sighing]  Fine, I'll go. I only got worked up because Joanne's gone and Donna's working. The only people I have at home are my two friends, Egg and Nog.

  [Red sighs and takes off his Santa suit] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Alright, fine. You wanna be Santa, go ahead.

  Bob Pinciotti : [sits back]  Thanks, Red.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Yeah, it's all for the best. I've already eaten about two pounds of fake beard as it is.

  [the young boy returns with a cop. He points accusingly at Bob, mistaking him for Red] 

  Young Boy #2 : There he is! Santa's the one that told me communists hate God.

  [confused, Bob looks around] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : [smiles]  Gotta go, Santa!

  [Red walks away, without correcting the boy's mistaken identity] 

  Kitty Forman : Merry Christmas, Bob!

  [Kitty walks away] 

  Kitty Forman : [mumbles angrily]  Mrs. Claus needs a drink.

  [the cop approaches Bob, who still does not understand what he's been accused of] 

• [Red has just finished telling the boy his version of the Vietnam War] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : ...and that's what really happened in Vietnam.

  Young Boy #2 : [confused]  I don't understand.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : [glumly]  Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.

  Kitty Forman : Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.

  [Kitty leads the boy away. The boy turns to her] 

  Young Boy #2 : What's an "ambush"?

  Kitty Forman : [smiles]  It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.

  [Red gets up and approaches Kitty] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Kitty, I gotta tell ya. I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. Y'know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.

  Kitty Forman : Well, I'm glad Red, but let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a firefight.

  [Red turns back and sees Bob sitting in his chair, also dressed like Santa Claus. Bob waves to him] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Bob, what the hell are you doing?

  Bob Pinciotti : You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney!

  Bob Pinciotti : I'm not moving.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : [takes off his Santa hat]  Kitty, hold my silly red hat.