- Abraham Lincoln: My boy, my advice to you is never give up. I lost almost every election I was in, but I didn't give up. I saw the United States fall nearly under, but I didn't give up. Then I was shot in the head... it's pretty difficult not to give up at that point.
- Marty DePolo: Mr Lincoln, Steve here needs a killer paper on the civil war by tomorrow morning. We thought you could help.
- Abraham Lincoln: You want me to do his homework? That doesn't seem right.
- Marty DePolo: I knew I should have brought back Nixon.
- Steve Beauchamp: Nixon's in Heaven?
- Marty DePolo: He snuck in through the back door.
- Steve Beauchamp: [to Abe] Listen, I'm sorry we bothered you Mr Lincoln.
- [to Marty]
- Steve Beauchamp: I don't think anybody can help me now.
- Abraham Lincoln: My boy, my advice to you is never give up. I lost almost every election I was in, but I didn't give up. I saw the United States fall nearly under, but I didn't give up. Then I was shot in the head... it's pretty difficult not to give up at that point.
- Steve Beauchamp: Yeah! You're right! I'm not licked yet.
- Marty DePolo: Hey, your speech really inspired him.
- Abraham Lincoln: Hey, I am Lincoln.
- [he sits down at Steve's desk]
- Abraham Lincoln: Let's get cracking.
- [He pulls a feather pen out of his jacket and dips it in the glass on Steve's desk]
- Steve Beauchamp: Uh, Mr Lincoln, that's diet coke.
- Abraham Lincoln: Uh huh.
- [He starts writing]
- Marty DePolo: I always thought we'd be together!
- The Head: If we couldn't keep the Beatles together, what makes you think we care about you and Steve Beauchamp?
- Marty DePolo: Sammy Noah, I've come to straighten out your wretched life!
- Sammy Noah: Start in the bathroom, I missed the toilet.
- Marty DePolo: But you hit the mirror!
- Katie Beauchamp: I'm getting chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chip with chocolate sprinkles!
- Judy Beauchamp: And you'll be sick all night.
- Katie Beauchamp: And I'll be sick all night!
- Mr. Nitzke: You're in more trouble than Pickett's troops at Gettysburg, son.
- Steve Beauchamp: Is that bad?
- The Head: I suppose you did all these things for Steve without using trickery?
- Marty DePolo: Well... Conceivably, I was outside the bounds of the fringes of the gray area...
- The Head: Marty, you know we don't allow lawyers into heaven.