The Sopranos (TV Series)
The Telltale Moozadell (2001)
James Gandolfini: Tony Soprano
Photos
Quotes
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Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : Amazing thing about snakes is that they reproduce spontaneously.
Tony Soprano : What do you mean?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : They have both male and female sex organs. That's why somebody you don't trust you call a snake. How can you trust a guy who can literally go fuck themselves?
Tony Soprano : Don't you think that expression would've come from the Adam and Eve story? When the snake tempted Eve to bite the apple?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : Hey, snakes were fucking themselves long before Adam and Eve showed up, T.
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Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Your thoughts have sort-of an Eastern flavor to them.
Tony Soprano : Well, I've lived in Jersey all my life.
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Carmela Soprano : Jackie Junior took her into the city to see, "Aida".
Tony Soprano : I ate her?
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Carmela Soprano : Your father and I have discussed your punishment
Tony Soprano : Your grounded for a month. That means no Nintendo, no DVD's, no skate boards
Carmela Soprano : And no computer
A.J. Soprano : I use the computer for school
Carmela Soprano : Get the typewriter out of the basement
A.J. Soprano : Dad threw it out
Carmela Soprano : Then use a pen. It worked for Einstein, it can work for you
Tony Soprano : On top of that you're going to work your little ass off around here which you should have been doing anyway
A.J. Soprano : OK
Tony Soprano : OK or not, you got no choice. Number one you go to the garage and clean it out, make it neat and organized
Carmela Soprano : Jackie Jr. did that the other day
Tony Soprano : [to Carmela] See what I'm saying about him?
Tony Soprano : [to AJ] You know you ought to take a few lessons from Jackie Aprile. Get your act together, the kid's pre-med at Rutgers and finds time to come down here and help out
Carmela Soprano : And your going to clean the gutters
A.J. Soprano : What gutters?
Tony Soprano : On the roof
A.J. Soprano : Where?
Tony Soprano : On the edge, the things that collect the water?
A.J. Soprano : I don't know what you mean
Tony Soprano : [Assuming AJ is playing dumb to get out of the punishment] Don't get smart with me
A.J. Soprano : I don't know
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Principal Cincotta : Verbum Dei has a strict zero tolerance policy in cases of vandalism. It's a policy that demands the immediate expulsion of the offending student
Tony Soprano : [to the principal then to AJ] I told him, you see?
Principal Cincotta : Having said that in this case after much deliberation and assessment, we have decided on a "suspended sentence." This consideration has only been arrived at upon Anthony's academic performance and his involvement in extracurricular sport
Carmela Soprano : His academic performance?
Principal Cincotta : His brought his GPA up to a C...
Tony Soprano : So, what is the punishment?
Principal Cincotta : We suggest and hope that Anthony's punishment be meaded out parentally
Carmela Soprano : So, it's not exactly "zero tolerance?"
Father Nicolai : Each child is special: that's the guiding principal of this school too
Tony Soprano : What about detention?
Principal Cincotta : A lawsuit a few years back forced us to eliminate our detention program
Tony Soprano : Well, his off the football team right?
Father Nicolai : No
Principal Cincotta : Studies done at Harvard and elsewhere have shown that boys have greater success in avoiding the pitfalls of adolescent when committed to and involved in sport
Tony Soprano : [to AJ] You better wipe that smile off your face
Tony Soprano : Look, I told him his going to be off the team. Now aren't you kind of...
Carmela Soprano : [Interrupts him] undermining...
Father Nicolai : [Interrupts her] It's not only skill that Anthony has shown on the field, it's also leadership qualities as well. We feel that it'll be against his best interests and the team's to sever his relationship with the squad
Tony Soprano : Well, if you think that's best
Principal Cincotta : However, and I can't this strong enough, if there is one more infraction of our code, the sentence will be immediately go into effect and Anthony will be expelled
Principal Cincotta : [Leans forward] do you understand this Anthony?
A.J. Soprano : Yes
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Carmela Soprano : I cannot believe this. Do you know how serious this is?
Carmela Soprano : [after AJ remains silent] do you? Answer me right now
A.J. Soprano : Yes
Carmela Soprano : Yes what?
A.J. Soprano : I know it's serious
Carmela Soprano : So, why did you do it?
A.J. Soprano : I don't know
Carmela Soprano : Why did you do it? Do you hate the school? Do you have a problem with someone there or something?
A.J. Soprano : No
Carmela Soprano : Then why?
A.J. Soprano : It just happened. We went swimming as a group. Someone threw something in the pool. Couple of guys started throwing stuff into the pool. We just did it
Carmela Soprano : And if they were "just" jumping off the George Washington Bridge would you "just" do that too?
A.J. Soprano : No
Tony Soprano : [Asking why AJ is home when he should be in school] what're you doing here?
Carmela Soprano : Answer your father
A.J. Soprano : I got sent home
Tony Soprano : Why?
Tony Soprano : [Raising his voice after AJ remains silent] Why?
A.J. Soprano : I got into trouble
Carmela Soprano : Your son broke into his school Friday night and vandalized the swimming pool
Tony Soprano : How do you vandalize a swimming pool?
Carmela Soprano : Threw a bunch of stuff in it and broke things
Tony Soprano : What'd you do that for?
A.J. Soprano : Screwing around
Tony Soprano : [Smacks his head] on your mother's birthday?
A.J. Soprano : It wasn't. It was after midnight
Tony Soprano : What're you fuckin stupid? So are you suspended?
A.J. Soprano : I don't know
Carmela Soprano : Tony, do you know how serious this is? He may be expelled
Tony Soprano : What'd they say?
A.J. Soprano : Nothing, they just sent me home. They said to bring your parents into the principal's office
Tony Soprano : On your mother's birthday
A.J. Soprano : They're going to call you
Tony Soprano : Just when everything was going good, your going to miss the big game. Your screwing everything up. Your football career down the drain!
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Tony Soprano : [referring to the birthday gift he bought her] The ring looks beautiful on you
Carmela Soprano : It is gorgeous: is there anything you need to tell me?
Tony Soprano : About the ring?
Carmela Soprano : I don't know, you didn't buy that little car you were talking about
Tony Soprano : Mercedes? I look like a douche bag in one of those
Carmela Soprano : Jean Cusamano calls your cars a midlife crisis mobiles
Tony Soprano : What the fuck does she know?
Tony Soprano : [when Carmela sighs] What?
Carmela Soprano : [referring to them dating] I don't know, I'm m not thrilled about this thing with Jackie and Meadow. I think she came home and he came over so they can go out tonight
Tony Soprano : So what? He's a good kid, comes from good stock
Carmela Soprano : His been on his best behavior lately, I can't deny that. I just never pictured Meadow with someone like him
Tony Soprano : Someone like him? His one of us
Tony Soprano : [referring to Noah Tannenbaum, her previous boyfriend, a Jewish African American] Don't tell me you were happy when she was going out with that Jamal Ginsberg, Hasidic homeboy?
Carmela Soprano : I just don't want her to miss the opportunities that are available to her: she should be at the Museum of Modern Art in her free time, not watching TV at Rosalie Aprile's
Tony Soprano : Oh, you'd rather have her look at pictures of soup cans than be close to home?
Carmela Soprano : [sighs] I don't know
Tony Soprano : Well, you talk to her and I'll talk to Jackie Jr.
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Carmela Soprano : [after meeting with AJ's principle and football coach to discuss his punishment for vandalizing the swimming pool] you completely sold us out in there
Tony Soprano : what'd I do?
Carmela Soprano : they're not punishing him at all and you went right along with it
Tony Soprano : I suggested detention
Carmela Soprano : that whole "thing" was a disgusting charade so the freshman football team can win the big game
Tony Soprano : we've been waiting for years for him to get off the couch, this is good for him
Carmela Soprano : oh, please
Tony Soprano : we should keep this in the family: punish him at home, he ain't getting off that easy
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Meadow Soprano : So, I've been thinking about getting a car
Tony Soprano : I knew I was going to get hit up for something on this trip
Meadow Soprano : What? You can spend thousands on sapphires but a hard working student has to take the bus everywhere?
Tony Soprano : You live a block away the school, what'd you need a car for?
Meadow Soprano : It'd be nice to hop in a car to have dinner with you guys once in a while
Carmela Soprano : They steal cars left and right in New York: parking is impossible besides the bus gets you here in forty-five minutes
Meadow Soprano : I'm not asking for anything fancy, just something to get me around
Tony Soprano : You could've had a car last year but you chose not to take it
Meadow Soprano : Eric's car. Is that a sick joke? It may interest you to know his father is now in a mental health facility in Nevada
Carmela Soprano : Why don't you wait and see how this semester goes? You were just complaining on how there's so much work you had to do. Don't you think you should concentrate on that?
Meadow Soprano : I am concentrating, what the hell do you think I am? Jesus Christ you sound like a broken record
Tony Soprano : Hey!
Carmela Soprano : Keep it down a notch. We just want to make sure your taking advantage all the city has to offer you. Culturally, socially, and educationally
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Gloria Trillo : [while at the zoo, looking at the baboons] You have to wonder what their thinking
Tony Soprano : [jokingly] I'm thinking "You guys ever smell yourself? Because you're killing us over here"
Gloria Trillo : [laughs] Your probably right, huh?
Tony Soprano : [kisses her, after smelling her perfume] Except for you: what you got on, even a baboon would love
Gloria Trillo : It's their "innocence", it's like their babies
Tony Soprano : Yeah, they can "innocently" maw you into ten pieces
Gloria Trillo : Usually, they engage in what's called "threat behavior"
Tony Soprano : That's because they already did all their "mawing", all they gotta do is give you a look
Gloria Trillo : You know other primates, they groom each other?
Tony Soprano : That I like
Tony Soprano : [after seeing a necklace around her neck] What's this?
Gloria Trillo : It's Tibetan, meant for protection
Tony Soprano : I knew it, I knew that had to be "something"
Gloria Trillo : What? What is wrong with that? It's a Buddhist symbol
Tony Soprano : [referring to Janice] My sister was a Buddhist: she's a whack job
Gloria Trillo : Oh, I see, so I ought to be a whack job too?
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Gloria Trillo : [while dancing in a hotel room after Tony turns on romantic music] I just want to tell you that I don't expect anything from you but kindness: that's it
Tony Soprano : Ok
Gloria Trillo : [amused] You are really in love with yourself, aren't you?
Tony Soprano : You mean conceited?
Gloria Trillo : Self-centered, ok there's a bunch of alternates you could've said. You deprive yourself of nothing
Tony Soprano : [confused] You think I'm vain?
Gloria Trillo : [beginning to undress, after pushing him down onto a couch] I think your wonderful
Tony Soprano : [when she feels the revolver in his ankle holster, explaining why he has a gun] Some of my "accounts" are in bad neighborhoods
Gloria Trillo : I know why you lie but you don't have to, can I hold it?
Gloria Trillo : It's heavy... is it loaded?
Tony Soprano : Nothing more useless than an unloaded gun
Gloria Trillo : [hands the gun back to him] There you go
Gloria Trillo : [jokingly] Mr. "Waste Management"
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Tony Soprano : [referring to AJ's punishment] I mean, we're paying the school: we're buying a service. If their opinion is he shouldn't be treated too harshly, you gotta listen to the experts, right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : [after she slightly shrugs] what else is going on? How is the rest of your week?
Tony Soprano : to be honest? Very good
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : why is that?
Tony Soprano : well, I guess that's how life is sometimes? Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Things come, things go
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : how are things with you and Carmela?
Tony Soprano : she was moody for a while but now she's her old self. Maybe it was from coming here?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : possibly, well, you do look happy, I must say
Tony Soprano : yeah, I went to the zoo the other day
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : [surprised] the zoo?
Tony Soprano : [jokingly] yeah, you know, sometimes you gotta get away and smell the gorilla shit
Tony Soprano : [after she chuckles] it's good to be in nature though
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : and the zoo made you happy?
Tony Soprano : yeah, I think a lot of it's because of you too: you put a lot of time into me and now it's paying off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : the progress you make is entirely up to you and how honest you are willing to be with yourself and with me
Tony Soprano : well, I have improved after joyfully participating in the suffering of the world
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Your thoughts have an Eastern flavor to them
Tony Soprano : [confused] Well, I've lived in Jersey my whole life
Dr. Jennifer Melfi : I mean "Eastern" as in terms of "Asian", like Buddhist or Daoist
Tony Soprano : [nods] Sun-Tzu, I told you about him
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Carmela Soprano : [after he kisses her neck] good morning
Tony Soprano : [when he notices them on her ear] new earrings
Carmela Soprano : I went out and treated myself
Tony Soprano : they match
Carmela Soprano : I almost bought the necklace that goes along with them: show some restraint. Although Christmas is coming so...
Tony Soprano : [interrupts her] maybe. Any cannoli's left from yesterday?
Carmela Soprano : [referring to looking in the refrigerator] I think you can answer that yourself
Tony Soprano : Meadow still here?
Carmela Soprano : Jackie Jr. took her into the city to see, "Aida"
Tony Soprano : [misunderstanding the name] "I ate her?"
Carmela Soprano : it's the Elton John musical on Broadway. I have to say you were right: Jackie Jr. has really surprised me. He's been a perfect gentleman, he takes her to the city for a little culture, his great with AJ. As long as she does good in school, things could be a lot worse
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Tony Soprano : so, I hear your taking Meadow out tonight?
Jackie Aprile Jr. : yeah
Tony Soprano : where?
Jackie Aprile Jr. : a place in the city called "Shea Josephine", they have live piano music. Harry Connick Jr. used to play there before he became famous: friend of mine's brother is a bartender there
Tony Soprano : don't you two have class tomorrow?
Jackie Aprile Jr. : she has it at two o'clock and I'm off
Tony Soprano : how many days they give you off at Rutgers?
Jackie Aprile Jr. : I got class three days a week
Tony Soprano : listen, I think you're a good kid: you show respect at my house and you come from a good family
Jackie Aprile Jr. : thanks
Tony Soprano : as far as my daughter goes, you know I only want the best for her and I'm gonna be very protective over her, you can understand that right?
Jackie Aprile Jr. : of course
Tony Soprano : so, if you want to spend time with her, I want the best from you. If you're in school, you gotta give it everything you got
Jackie Aprile Jr. : yeah, right, I know it...
Tony Soprano : [interrupts him] shut up. Listen to me, I know I've been saying this to you all along but now it's "different", you understand what I'm saying to you?
Jackie Aprile Jr. : I just got an A on my LIT paper
Tony Soprano : you did?
Jackie Aprile Jr. : Edgar Allan Poe: good writer, what a fuckin nutjob
Tony Soprano : he's the guy that did all the Vincent Price shit right?
Jackie Aprile Jr. : the guy smoked opium and married his cousin: he was from The Bronx, you believe that?
Tony Soprano : you got an A huh?
Jackie Aprile Jr. : I'm doing good Tone
Tony Soprano : just keep it that way: keep your father in mind
Jackie Aprile Jr. : [nods] I will
Tony Soprano : [stands up and hands him money] have some desert on me
Jackie Aprile Jr. : no, it's ok
Tony Soprano : take it, just don't keep her out too late