- Sledge Hammer: [Hammer answers phone at bank robbery standoff] Second National Bank; hostage speaking.
- Captain Trunk: Hammer, this is Trunk. Have they hurt anyone?
- Sledge Hammer: No.
- Captain Trunk: Have *you* hurt anyone?
- Sledge Hammer: Not yet.
- Crandell: How may I help you?
- Sledge Hammer: Well, HAL-9000 out there tells me I have insufficient funds in my account. The thing is screwed up.
- Crandell: I'm sorry Sir, those machines never make mistakes.
- Sledge Hammer: Look, I made a deposit two days ago, I want my money.
- Crandell: Alright Sir, I'll check it out.
- [to Doreau]
- Crandell: Your friend's high strung isn't he?
- [to Hammer]
- Crandell: Your name, please.
- Sledge Hammer: Sledge Hammer.
- Crandell: Sledge... . Hammer. Where were you born, a tool shed?
- Sledge Hammer: You think that's funny? You can do better than that. You see, I'm not as easy an audience as the old lady. So go ahead, make me laugh, or I'll have you in stitches.
- Lou: Cops. And they're multiplying.
- Crandell: Wow. How'd they get here so fast?
- Sledge Hammer: There's a doughnut shop around the corner.
- Sledge Hammer: This guy's dead meat. Decisions, decisions huh? One bullet, two scumsuckers. I just have to figure out how to do it.
- Dori Doreau: Do what?
- Sledge Hammer: Get 'em to stand in single file.
- Sledge Hammer: This is for that little kid's piggy bank
- [Punches Cliff]
- Sledge Hammer: And this is for hittin' me.
- [Punches Cliff]
- Sledge Hammer: And this is for calling me names
- [Punches Cliff]
- Sledge Hammer: And this is for ordering pizza
- [Punches Cliff]
- Sledge Hammer: And this is for making me hold hands with another guy.
- [Punches Cliff, pauses, then punches him again]
- Cliff: What was that for?
- Sledge Hammer: That was gratuitous.
- Sledge Hammer: Doreau, get outta here. The cockpit is for men only.
- Dori Doreau: What do you want me to do, serve coffee?
- Sledge Hammer: I'll take mine black. No sugar, it makes me jumpy. Just black.
- Sledge Hammer: [Hammer enters the airplane cockpit] Hi Honey, I'm home. Flight's canceled, maggot.
- Cliff: Who do you think you are?
- Sledge Hammer: I'm Inspector Sledge Hammer.
- Cliff: You're with the Police Department?
- Sledge Hammer: No, no, no, no, no, no, I AM the Police Department.