- Homer: Who are you?
- Leon Kompowsky: [in Michael Jackson's voice] Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from The Jacksons.
- Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from The Simpsons.
- Leon Kompowsky: We call this one the Chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word. Never moves a muscle.
- Homer Simpson: [waves] Hey, Chief.
- Chief: [waves back] Hello.
- [all the doctors gather around muttering and writing notes]
- Chief: Well, it's about time somebody reached out to me!
- [Homer is calling home from a mental institution]
- Bart: Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
- Homer: Boy, when I get home, I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and...
- [noticing the orderlies glaring at him, he relents]
- Homer: ...smother you with kisses.
- Bart: Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose.
- Bart: [singing] Lisa, her teeth are big and green. Lisa, she smells like gasoline. Lisa, ta-ra-ra Lisa. She is my sista, her birthday I mista.
- Homer Simpson: Who stole my shirt? Who stole my shirt?
- Marge: I washed it.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, thank you Marge.
- [Homer saw his pink shirt from the laundry basket]
- Homer Simpson: Aaaah! Pink? Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.
- Marge: Now Homer don't panic, you have plenty of white shirts.
- Homer Simpson: [Homer grabs all of his pink shirts] Oh gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, oh no pink? pink? Pink!
- [Homer sobs]
- Homer Simpson: It's all over, Marge! It's all over!
- [Homer continues to sob]
- Marge: [Marge grabs Homer's pink underwear] I don't know how this could have happened?
- Bart: [Bart grabs his red hat] Ah, my lucky red hat. Clean as a whistle.
- Homer Simpson: [Homer saw Bart and his red hat from Homer's pink shirts] You! You did this to me!
- Bart: [Bart getting strangled by Homer] I... apologize!
- Marge: Oh, please. No one's going to notice if you wear a pink shirt to work.
- Leon Kompowsky: You know Bart, when I was growing up I didn't have much money. So you know what I did every time my sisters' birthdays rolled around?
- Bart: Stiffed them?
- Leon Kompowsky: No Bart, I wrote them a song to show them I cared.
- Bart: I can't write a song! I'm only ten.
- Leon Kompowsky: *Only* ten?, When I was your age, I had six Gold Records.
- Bart: Hey, Looney Tunes...
- [pulls out the "Thriller" album]
- Bart: *this* is what Michael Jackson looks like! You just look like a big, fat mental patient!
- Leon Kompowsky: You'd be amazed how often I hear that, Bart.
- Montgomery Burns: [watches the security camera and encounters Homer wearing a pink shirt] Wait a minute. Go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink?
- Waylon Smithers: Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir; he's one of your boobs from Section 7-G.
- Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of free-thinking anarchist.
- Waylon Smithers: I'll call security, sir.
- Montgomery Burns: Excellent. Yes, these colored monitors have already paid for themselves.
- Homer Simpson: [after Leon moonwalks] How do you do that thing with your feet?
- Leon Kompowsky: You mean the moonwalk?
- Homer Simpson: No! That thing with your feet!
- Bart: [Homer gives a mental health questionnaire he's supposed to complete to Bart] Dad, maybe you should fill out this form.
- Homer: Son, it's no different than the time I let you vote for me. Remember that absentee ballot?
- Bart: Oh, yeah!
- [Homer quickly gets absorbed in a "funniest home videos" show on the TV]
- Bart: Hey, Dad, do you hear voices...?
- Homer: [annoyed] Yes, I'm hearing one now, while I'm trying to watch TV!
- Bart: [checks] "Yes." Are you quick to anger...?
- Homer: [angrily and raises his fist] BART! Shut up or I'll shut you up!
- Bart: [checks] "Yes." Do you wet your pants...? Well, even the best of us has an occasional accident.
- [he proceeds to check "yes" for all remaining questions]
- [after Homer handed his mental health questionnaire to Mr. Burns and Smithers]
- Homer: So did I pass?
- Montgomery Burns: [laughing] No.
- Homer: [security guards grabbed Homer] Bart!
- Waylon Smithers: Careful, men. He wets his pants.
- Doctor: After analyzing your husband, we have determined that he's not a danger to anyone.
- Homer Simpson: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Can I have it in writing?
- Bart: [Lisa wakes up Bart] Lisa, it's 6 a.m., what's wrong? Dad died?
- Lisa Simpson: No, no, no, he's fine.
- Bart: Whaddya know, I'm relieved!
- Dave: Okay so I was working an insurance company right
- [sniffles]
- Dave: youngest VP in the history of the firm, okay the job was my life
- [sniffles]
- Dave: then one Monday morning
- [clears throat]
- Dave: I got up I couldn't leave the house, I just couldn't
- Homer: Was the door locked?
- Dave: No, I just couldn't face what was out there
- Homer: Was it raining?
- Nurse: No Homer, Dave suffers from agoraphobia: a fear of open areas and crowds, please Dave go on
- Dave: Thank you, anyway that day I, I just couldn't make that long drive to work
- Homer: Were you out of gas?
- [the nurse glares angrily at Homer]
- Homer: [turns toward Dave] Pfft baby!
- Leon Kompowsky: [In his real voice] Well, my work is done here.
- Bart: Hey, Michael, what happened to your voice?
- Leon Kompowsky: This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowski, and I'm a bricklayer from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Until one day, I just
- [In Michael Jackson voice]
- Leon Kompowsky: talked like this.
- [in his normal voice]
- Leon Kompowsky: All of a sudden, everyone was smiling at me, and I was only doing good on this earth. So I kept on doing it. To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?
- Homer: Not me, I've got this!
- [shows his certificate showing he is Not Insane]
- Mayor Quimby: This is the uh most exciting thing to happen to our uh fair town since the Dalai Lama visited in 1952. And so, I hereby declare that Route 401, currently known as the Dalai Lama Expressway, will be henceforth be known as the Michael Jackson Expressway.
- Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Would you fill out this form for me?
- Lisa Simpson: Well, all right - if you listen to the poem I just wrote.
- Homer: D'oh...! Uh, okay.
- Lisa Simpson: "Meditations on Turning Eight," by Lisa Simpson. "I had a cat named Snowball, she died, she died! Mom said she was sleeping, she lied, she lied! Why, oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? I had a hamster named Snuffy, he died!"
- [that's all she wrote, literally]
- Homer: No deal.