- Janey: Well, that was a waste of time.
- Lisa: Janey, school is never a waste of time.
- Elizabeth Hoover: Class, since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put your pencils down and stare at the front of the room.
- Bart Simpson: Wow! Can I see your club?
- Lou: It's called a baton, son.
- Bart Simpson: Oh. What's it for?
- Lou: We club people with it.
- Marge: Morning, honey.
- Lisa: [sullen] What's so good about being stuck in the house behind a stove?
- Marge: Lisa, I know you're down on homemaking but it can really let you be creative. See? This morning I turned bacon, eggs, and toast into a smiley face for Bart and Homer.
- Lisa: What's the point? They'll never notice.
- Marge: Oh, well, you'd be surprised.
- [Homer and Bart sit at the kitchen table and begin scarfing their plates without a word or glance at Marge. Lisa gives Marge a look]
- Marge: Mmm...
- [Homer belches]
- Principal Skinner: How would you like to be a hall monitor?
- Bart Simpson: Wouldn't that mean squealing on other kids?
- Principal Skinner: That's the meat of it.
- Bart Simpson: Hmm...
- [in Bart's daydream, he is testifying in a murder trial, his face and voice electronically disguised]
- Prosecutor: Now, Witness X would you please tell the court what you saw?
- Bart's Electronically Altered Voice: I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there seal Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum and roll him off the pier.
- Mr. Montone: [pulls a knife] I kill you!
- [he lunges toward the witness stand and grabs Bart]
- Bart's Electronically Altered Voice: Ay, caramba!
- [back in reality]
- Bart Simpson: ...I don't know.
- Lisa: Bart, why did you take the blame?
- Bart Simpson: Because I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.
- Mr. Flascock: This is a great day for me! I thought I could never teach again.
- Principal Skinner: Oh, times have changed. There will be no more mockery of your name, Mr. Flascock.
- Marge: [referencing Lisa playing the saxaphone] Do you think she could be a professional someday?
- Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Oh lord no!
- Lisa: But I'll practice every day!
- Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Yeah well I'll be frank with ya Lisa and when I say frank I mean, you know, devastating. You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness, it usually comes from the father's side...
- Lisa: [Lisa's just discovered her future vocation after a career aptitude test.] A homemaker! I might as well be dead!
- Marge: Lisa, it's not that bad.
- Homer: So, what are you gonna be, boy?
- Bart Simpson: Policeman.
- Homer: [Chokes on food.]
- Marge: Oh, that's nice, Bart. You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy.
- Homer: No, the army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.
- Miss Hoover: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was nick-named "Old Hickory"?
- Lisa: I don't know... you?
- Miss Hoover: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the answer is...
- [flips to the answers in the back of her teacher's edition study book]
- Miss Hoover: The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson.
- Lisa: Well, you're earning your eighteen grand a year.