The Simpsons (TV Series)

A Star Is Burns (1995)

Harry Shearer: Kent Brockman, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, God, Rainier Wolfcastle, Montgomery Burns, Waylon Smithers, Scratchy

Quotes 

• Mr. Burns : OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

  Sr. Spielbergo : Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.

  Mr. Burns : Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!

• Jay Sherman : Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."

  [Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed] 

  Charles Bronson : I wish I was dead. Oy!

  Jay Sherman : But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

  Rainer Wolfcastle : Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."

  [Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?

  [pause] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : That's the joke.

  Man in audience : You suck, McBain!

  [McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

  Man in audience : Hey, that really sucked!

  [McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle : [Cut back to Rainer and Jay]  The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

  Jay Sherman : [contemptuous]  How do you sleep at night?

  Rainer Wolfcastle : On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

  Jay Sherman : Just asking. Yeesh!

• Mr. Burns : Get me Steven Spielberg.

  Smithers : He's unavailable.

  Mr. Burns : Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.

• Smithers : Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.

  Montgomery Burns : Excellent.

  [a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in] 

  Hannibal Lecter : Excellent.

  [makes the infamous slurping sound] 

  Montgomery Burns : Next.

  William Shatner : Exc-ell-ent.

  Montgomery Burns : Next.

  Homer : Exactly.

  [chuckles] 

  Homer : D'oh!

  Montgomery Burns : [irritated]  Next!

  Bumblebee Man : ¡Excellente!

  Sr. Spielbergo : Es muy bueno.

  Montgomery Burns : Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

• Marge : Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.

  Rainer Wolfcastle : ["Six months later"]  And the Oscar goes to...

  Montgomery Burns : Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.

  Rainer Wolfcastle : ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".

  [everyone applauds; Burns steams. A screen shows George C. Scott getting hit in the groin by a football] 

  George C. Scott : [doubling over]  Aargh! My groin!

  [falls to the ground, moaning] 

• Jay Sherman : Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied.

  Rainer Wolfcastle : [after many hours pass]  Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers.

• [filming a re-creation of the story of Moses, the Flanders are alarmed when the river current sweeps Tod away from them] 

  Tod Flanders : Help meeeeeeeeeee...!

  Ned Flanders : [praying]  Flanders to God, Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Tod!

  [a bolt of lightning hits a tree, knocking it into the river to stop Tod] 

  Ned Flanders : Thanks, God!

  God : [from heaven]  Okily-dokily!

• Smithers : I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir; market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.

  Mr. Burns : I outta club 'em and eat their bones!

  Smithers : Heh heh, well maybe this film festival can help us. A film biography might help them to get to know the real you: virtuous, heroic, nubile...

  Mr. Burns : You left out pleasant!

  [clubbing Smithers over the head]