The Simpsons (TV Series)

A Star Is Burns (1995)

Dan Castellaneta: Rappin' Rabbi #2, Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Paparazzo, Krusty the Clown, Mayor Quimby, 'Marge is gonna say something....', Heckler #1, Heckler #2, Airport Tannoy, Hans Moleman, Barney Gumble, 'Pure egotism!', Beer Vendor, Itchy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Barney : [during his acceptance speech]  I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.

  Mayor Quimby : Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.

  [the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck] 

  Barney : Just hook it to my veins!

  [the truck driver prepares an I.V] 

• Homer : [after observing Barney's movie]  Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.

  Wiseguy : Beer here.

  Homer : I'll take ten.

• Homer : Barney's movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.

• Grampa : The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it.

• Barney : I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.

  Lisa : Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.

  Barney : Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

• [a Lady compliments Barney's movie] 

  Barney : You're very kind.

  Woman : Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?

  Barney : It didn't die.

• Smithers : Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.

  Montgomery Burns : Excellent.

  [a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in] 

  Hannibal Lecter : Excellent.

  [makes the infamous slurping sound] 

  Montgomery Burns : Next.

  William Shatner : Exc-ell-ent.

  Montgomery Burns : Next.

  Homer : Exactly.

  [chuckles] 

  Homer : D'oh!

  Montgomery Burns : [irritated]  Next!

  Bumblebee Man : ¡Excellente!

  Sr. Spielbergo : Es muy bueno.

  Montgomery Burns : Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

• ["Man Getting Hit by Football" has been screened at the film festival] 

  Homer : [laughing hysterically]  This contest is over. Give that man the ten thousand dollars!

  Jay Sherman : This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos.

  Homer : But... the ball, his groin! Ah, ha! It works on so many levels!

  [chuckles] 

  Homer : Roll it again.

• Lisa : I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...

  Homer : [walking by]  My ears are burning.

  Lisa : Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.

  Homer : No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.

  Marge : Mmm...

• Barney : Next they're gonna show my movie.

  Bart : You made a movie ?

  Barney : I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

  [Barney holds up an Entertainment Weekly featuring him in a somber, dramatic pose] 

• Jay Sherman : And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.

  Homer : It was a Gummi Bear.

• Homer : [after watching a Jewish parody of "Can't Touch This"]  Marge are we Jewish?

  Marge : No.

  Homer : Woo hoo! Oh boy!

  [Takes out a roast pig and starts to eat it] 

• Homer : Marge, do you respect my intelligence?

  Marge : [long pause]  Yes.

  Homer : Okay.

  [goes to bed, gets up] 

  Homer : Wait a minute... why did it take you so long to say yes?

  Marge : [long pause]  No reason.

  Homer : Okay.

  [goes to bed, gets up] 

  Homer : Wait a minute... are you humoring me?

  Marge : [long pause]  Yes.

  Homer : Okay.

  [goes to bed, gets up] 

  Homer : Wait a minute... that's bad!

• Marge : I'm Marge Simpsons and I have an idea.

  Most of People at the Meeting : Ohhh...

  [in frustration] 

  'Marge is gonna say something... ' : Marge is gonna say something.

  [in a low voice] 

• Woman Praising Barney's Movie : Excuse me - did something crawl down your throat and die?

  Barney : It didn't die.

• Homer : But what can I do? I'm just...

  [counts on the fingers on one of his hands] 

  Homer : One man.

• Jay Sherman : How can you vote for Burns' movie?

  Krusty the Clown : [nonchalantly lighting a cigarette]  Let's just say it moved me... to a bigger house! Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.

• Barney : Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.