The Simpsons (TV Series)

A Star Is Burns (1995)

Jon Lovitz: Jay Sherman

Quotes 

• Jay Sherman : Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."

  [Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed] 

  Charles Bronson : I wish I was dead. Oy!

  Jay Sherman : But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

  Rainer Wolfcastle : Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."

  [Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?

  [pause] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : That's the joke.

  Man in audience : You suck, McBain!

  [McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

  Man in audience : Hey, that really sucked!

  [McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle : [Cut back to Rainer and Jay]  The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

  Jay Sherman : [contemptuous]  How do you sleep at night?

  Rainer Wolfcastle : On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

  Jay Sherman : Just asking. Yeesh!

• ["Man Getting Hit by Football" has been screened at the film festival] 

  Homer : [laughing hysterically]  This contest is over. Give that man the ten thousand dollars!

  Jay Sherman : This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos.

  Homer : But... the ball, his groin! Ah, ha! It works on so many levels!

  [chuckles] 

  Homer : Roll it again.

• Jay Sherman : Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied.

  Rainer Wolfcastle : [after many hours pass]  Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers.

• Jay Sherman : And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.

  Homer : It was a Gummi Bear.

• Jay Sherman : And if you ever want to visit my show...

  Bart : Nah, we're not going to be doing that.

• Jay Sherman : How can you vote for Burns' movie?

  Krusty the Clown : [nonchalantly lighting a cigarette]  Let's just say it moved me... to a bigger house! Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.